tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post3931888241294853987..comments2023-03-07T03:09:03.200-08:00Comments on Not a Guru: Spiritual Insights into Every Day Life: Is it possible to have an intimate relationship that is joyful?Despina Gurlideshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11479507100650738161noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-77325784307878383882011-09-22T15:12:08.298-07:002011-09-22T15:12:08.298-07:00Thanks for the kind words and I will keep a lookou...Thanks for the kind words and I will keep a lookout for any appropriate friends. ;-)Jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08366146417413085773noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-29055600848829399982011-09-21T07:02:23.456-07:002011-09-21T07:02:23.456-07:00It's great to hear from a man who
considers th...It's great to hear from a man who<br />considers the importance of having a plan to deal with upsets in the<br />relationship, and who communicates<br />so well.<br /><br />Alexandra is an evolved woman, with<br />experience at long term relationships,, and it seems she's attracted a man who may be closer to her level than others in the past.<br /><br />And see how quickly Despina can go<br />from feeling depressed, to feeling<br />"hopeful". <br /><br />That's a better place to attract<br />from.<br /><br />Keep us in the loop if you do have<br />a "friend" that you can introduce<br />to Despina.Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-26212523962533968192011-09-20T19:41:49.934-07:002011-09-20T19:41:49.934-07:00Dear James,
A male perspective! Thank you so much ...Dear James,<br />A male perspective! Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy for you and Alexandra, that you have such a conscious relationship. Got any friends?Despina Gurlideshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11479507100650738161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-79704747536694307802011-09-20T15:41:59.689-07:002011-09-20T15:41:59.689-07:00Hi Despina,
I don't know if you remember me, ...Hi Despina,<br /><br />I don't know if you remember me, I'm Alexandra's boyfriend.<br /><br />She sent this blog to me as she thought it would interest me, and it does. <br /><br />I enjoyed reading everyone's comments, and I thought I would add my own since I am at this point in my relationship with Alexandra. <br /><br />The short answer to your question is; yes. As Shandi wrote, many couples have spent decades in a loving and nurturing relationship. The question is how do you find the right person with whom to build such a relationship. I agree that the better emotional state and sense of self love that you have, the better your odds are, but it's important to remember that an intimate relationship may open wounds that you didn't know that you had, and may be different with each person.<br /><br />Alexandra and I will celebrate our one year anniversary together next month. This year had exposed wounds for both of us, and on a couple of occasions put a strain on the relationship.<br /><br />That said, we started this relationship committed to openness and honesty. We both believe in communication, and that support of the relationship has to be a major priority for both of us. That by no means makes the relationship easier, at least not in the beginning, but I think the relationship is easier now because of it, and without that, a relationship can split at the first sign of difficulty.<br /><br />I think for those reasons our love for each other has grown deeper over the year. Those wounds are still there in us, but commitment to the relationship and communication has at least given us some tools for recognizing them, and dealing with them honestly and compassionately. <br /><br />As an example, we both know that there will come a time when one of us will flood to some extent emotionally, so we had the discussion this last weekend about creating an agreement on dealing with these times. I can't tell you how well it will work yet, but I imagine it will be better than just winging it. <br /><br />I guess my point is that my relationship with Alexandra is a mutually loving and supportive partnership, but it didn't just happen. The opportunities to walk away were there, but we chose instead to walk a path of love and understanding. While we can't make our wounds just disappear, we can lower their impact by being committed to each others healing.Jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08366146417413085773noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-52561257304612375202011-09-19T13:01:38.136-07:002011-09-19T13:01:38.136-07:00I don't believe in perfection. Never met anyon...I don't believe in perfection. Never met anyone who was perfect, although from outward appearances it may seem so.<br /><br />But I do believe that the "blame"<br />game can ruin many potentially<br />loving relationships.<br /><br />Blame is rampant in our society, and manifests in outrageous lawsuits where it's obvious "user error".<br /><br />Personal responsibility isn't <br />nearly as attractive as "blame".Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-63926071895409054822011-09-19T10:46:05.696-07:002011-09-19T10:46:05.696-07:00With different choices, couldn’t the story of Adam...With different choices, couldn’t the story of Adam and Eve have a Disney outcome? Let’s suppose Adam is the perfect man. He can laugh at himself and carry on a converse over dinner without all those boring details about work. He has a wallet and isn’t shy about taking it out. He is actually good at something, besides Fantasy Football. And he knows if he wants Eve to be his kitten, he has to make her purr. As I say, perfect. Meanwhile, Eve kills herself at the gym so she can still get into the right tight pants and pull on her confidence one leg at a time. Although she does have to hear it from Adam to believe it. Everything is perfect in the Garden Apartment. <br /><br />Until one day, their happiness is tested by choice and desire. <br /><br />Adam, sitting silently on the couch, appears to be contentedly reading the latest book on intimacy and fulfillment, when he puts down that copy of Eat, Sleep, Come unread to go test drive the new Fiat? Grinding the gears looking for reverse he starts asking himself: Why should we give up what feels good. <br /><br />Eve meanwhile has yet another sports injury from her last session on the Elliptical and makes an appointment with that handsome orthopedist as soon as she gets home. Her heart flutters at the sound of his Tiger-receptionist who gives her the appointment for next Wednesday. As she clicks off her cell, the question comes to mind: Why should we give up what feels good.<br /><br />But the real test doesn’t present itself until they find themselves at couple’s therapy.<br /><br />How does the story end? In fact, this is where the real story starts.<br /><br />After all, giving in to temptation never did bring expulsion from the garden. The end of paradise was written when Adam blames beauty and beauty blames the beast.Debnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-31435337179716550502011-09-19T08:33:54.953-07:002011-09-19T08:33:54.953-07:00I agree with poohbear, as a way to live, in genera...I agree with poohbear, as a way to live, in general, and especially with an intimate partner.<br /><br />Although it seems "simple", if we get triggered by unresolved patterns, we "re-act" from fear (usually)or insecurity.<br /><br />If we're in "reaction", we're not in tune with our kinder, wiser selves.<br />We've all been there, and later on when the emotion of the moment has passed, we wish we could have been<br />more loving.<br /><br />In order to get beyond our reactions, sometimes it's helpful<br />to have guidance from someone who<br />can mirror our behavior, or read<br />"self-help" books.<br /><br />Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't see people treating others with kindness, but<br />something inside told me this created conflict and pain.<br /><br />Hearing the "Golden Rule" made sense to me. But I know that I<br />was guided by my reading self help<br />books, as a way of becoming more<br />aware of my reactive patterns.<br /><br />A question...what could be some of<br />the reasons that most people don't<br />live as Poohbear suggests?<br /><br />Would Poohbear share some of her relationship(s)experience? Her age<br />group? Present relationship?<br />How long?<br /><br />Recently this blog has become a<br />way to share more of the self, and<br />can benefit all of us.Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-47454635938497396282011-09-18T20:21:12.297-07:002011-09-18T20:21:12.297-07:00people it is really simple just treat your loved o...people it is really simple just treat your loved one the way you wish to be treated.... stupid simple.<br /><br />throw your self help books out.poohbearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17157964280666046293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-37541221797911525052011-09-18T20:19:09.958-07:002011-09-18T20:19:09.958-07:00It is really so simple, people..... just treat you...It is really so simple, people..... just treat your love one the way you wish they treat you, what ever that is. <br /><br />stupid simple... throw all the self help books out.poohbearhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17157964280666046293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-38232045685677181282011-09-17T15:02:03.556-07:002011-09-17T15:02:03.556-07:00Enjoy the rose while you can, and
remember to watc...Enjoy the rose while you can, and<br />remember to watch the thorns.<br /><br />We are all roses.Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-45081319154007285032011-09-17T14:59:42.903-07:002011-09-17T14:59:42.903-07:00We all have some basic expectations of a relations...We all have some basic expectations of a relationship, but many have<br />unrealistic expectations. That gets us into trouble.<br /><br />The needier we are of another, the<br />less we will get.<br /><br />Consider you are looking or open to<br />having a relationship, and you meet<br />yourself. What do think? Are you<br />attracted? What is it about you<br />that is so appealing? Apart from<br />the physical beauty.<br /><br />After a few dates, what is it that<br />makes you want to spend more time<br />with you? What are those qualities<br />that you cherish? What are the<br />values you stand for? What are you<br />willing to take a stand for?<br /><br />How important is it for you to<br />find your purpose...your joy?<br /><br />What do you bring to the table of<br />relationship? What are your hopes,<br />your dreams, desires? <br /><br />What is it about intimate relationship that you believe?<br />Has this been your experience, or<br />is it still a fantasy?<br /><br />Can you honestly look at your<br />expectations? What would you want<br />your partner to expect of you?<br /><br /><br />Thinking that relationship will<br />bring you joy that you haven't <br />been able to create yourself, is<br />pretty unrealistic.<br /><br />Having a relationship with another<br />is by nature "higher maintainance"<br />than having one with yourself.<br /><br />Being seen by another in intimacy<br />can bring up all kinds of stuff<br />that is easily avoided when alone.<br /><br />Fear of abandonment may create a<br />situation where we get out before<br />it happens, or we imagine it's<br />happening, or it is actually<br />happening.<br /><br />As you've said before, we all have<br />patterns that need to be looked at.<br />Some may be so imbedded that we're<br />unable to release them.<br /><br />That's depressing....Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-68225546573014108682011-09-17T12:47:13.127-07:002011-09-17T12:47:13.127-07:00Frankly, I find these answers around relationship ...Frankly, I find these answers around relationship depressing.I get that you're not suppose to bring any expectations to a relationship. Good luck! I also get that doing work that you enjoy will make you joyful. I'm not there yet. So the question is, are there relationships where the thorns don't make it impossible to enjoy the rose?Despina Gurlideshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11479507100650738161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-59697357012972892832011-09-17T09:03:42.657-07:002011-09-17T09:03:42.657-07:00I've been reading Russ Volckmann's
intervi...I've been reading Russ Volckmann's<br />interview with Barbara Marx Hubbard,<br />and would like to share something from it.<br /><br />"Everyone who's evolving in consciousness, and who isn't in dire straits of hunger or war begins to have an impulse to create - to express their own selves - not<br />simply in a mystical way, but in a<br />way of self expression, life purpose, greater meaning than a<br />meaningless job or relationship.<br /><br />Maslow discovered that every<br />"joyful" person had one thing in<br />common...chosen work that they found intrinsically self rewarding.<br /><br />I know how this feels. I had a <br />business in Hawaii, and looked<br />forward to every day.<br /><br />I was asked this question by an advisor from SBA: "Why do you get<br />up in the morning?" My answer<br />"To create"!<br /><br />He said "oh, your answer should be,<br />"To make money"<br /><br />I felt successful, not by the amount of money I produced, but by<br />the "joy" I experienced most of the time in my work. <br /><br />The best part of this story is that<br />I resisted going into business for<br />myself because of beliefs I had.<br /><br />An (angel) man who didn't even know<br />me that well, gently prodded me into it, and gave me some fundamental support (not money) to<br />take the leap.<br /><br />He moved from the island before he<br />ever knew the positive impact he'd<br />had on my life. I can't remember his name, but I do know that he<br />was GREEK.<br /><br />I think if you have joy in your<br />chosen work or service, you'll <br />attract other joyful beings.<br /><br />I agree with Popi's last response.<br />This is a gift of wisdom that she's <br />sharing. Take it to heart.Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-79691986671129546972011-09-17T08:35:05.091-07:002011-09-17T08:35:05.091-07:00D,
Shandi said everything very eloquently and all...D,<br /><br />Shandi said everything very eloquently and all of it makes sense. <br /><br />Me, answer to your question. NO. It does not exist on a permanent basis. Here and there, may be. No explanation, it is, what it is. Grab what you can. Do not bring ANY expectations in any relationship. Let it unfold and soon you will know, whether you want to be in it, thorns and all, or stay away from it all together.POPInoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-50698002205145947552011-09-16T20:15:21.865-07:002011-09-16T20:15:21.865-07:00Thank you, Shandi, for your comments. I really app...Thank you, Shandi, for your comments. I really appreciate them. How can I have a joyful relationship with another, if I don't have one with myself? Good question. More and more, I am having a joyful relationship with myself. I'll keep working on that :-)Despina Gurlideshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11479507100650738161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791244652554936.post-78338777900978462402011-09-16T19:11:08.480-07:002011-09-16T19:11:08.480-07:00Despina,
Being in a relationship of any kind,intim...Despina,<br />Being in a relationship of any kind,intimate or not, means bringing together beings of different worlds,in a way.<br /><br />We each have our unresolved childhood "wounds" that block us from a full experience of intimacy. (Sexual or not)<br /><br />We have the unquestioned decisions that we made as children, that don't serve us very well now.<br /><br />We bring our unrealistic expectations, and our own perceptions of what love means to<br />us.<br /><br />Our insecurities, fears, negativity, needs, conditioning all<br />play a role in the bumpy road of<br />relationships.<br /><br />We all know couples who've been <br />together for 50 or 60 years, and<br />wonder how they do it. It wasn't all joyful, but they each had reasons to stay rather than go.<br /><br />I remember attending a class in<br />relationships, and we were asked to<br />make a list of all the things that<br />we want in a partner. It was an<br />easy exercise. Then she told us to<br />make a list of all the things that<br />we bring to a relationship. That<br />was a shorter list, and much harder<br />to do.<br /><br />Knowing who we are and what we offer is as important as knowing<br />about the other person.<br /><br />I married my best friend; we'd known each other since 7th grade.<br />We didn't have romantic feelings<br />until we were about 16. So we had<br />a long friendship to build on.<br /><br />Our 19 year marriage was mostly<br />peaceful, not always joyful. We<br />did argue, but never name called or<br />fought physically. I loved him,<br />and because of my own insecurites,<br />it took awhile to believe that he<br />loved me.<br /><br />He was very supportive of anything<br />I wanted to do, and I owe a lot to <br />him for who I am today.<br /><br />As time went on, I was going through changes from being a<br />conservative person to a liberal<br />one. He wasn't interested in making a shift of values.<br /><br />That was the beginning of the end<br />of my marriage. Values are the<br />glue that binds. His insecurities<br />drew him to the material world of<br />accummulating to prove himself.<br /><br />I was not called to that life. I<br />knew I wanted something more, and<br />felt that I had a contribution to<br />make. I didn't think that being<br />a wife and mother was all I could do.<br /><br />I've never experienced a better<br />relationship than the one I had with him. As I look back, maybe<br />since we were young friends, and<br />got married before we had too much<br />baggage and expectations, it<br />sustained us for quite awhile.<br /><br />We have two wonderful sons, and<br />memories of joyful times as a family.<br /><br />As we get older, I think it becomes more difficult to develop our ideal<br />intimate relationship. Our wounds<br />get in the way, and unless both people have evolved prior to coming together, and are committed to<br />the work involved in sustaining<br />a desired intimacy, it wont last<br />very long.<br /><br />Some can do it, but most cannot.<br />The longing is there, but it's just<br />not enough. <br /><br />We must love ourselves as we would<br />have another love us. Until our<br />relationship with ourselves is<br />joyful, how can it be with another?Shandihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07812338717674787601noreply@blogger.com