Coming back to life

Again, it's been about half a year since I've written in my blog. I wasn't sure that I would write again. I'm still not sure. But for the first time in months I feel like writing as I am starting to feel passionate again about life.

I haven't been unhappy these last few months, but I haven't been very joyful either. I've been feeling that everything is happening as it should be, and "All things are lessons God would have me learn." So when money issues show up, I just deal with them and with my fears. It takes more and more to scare me these days. I am more peaceful, kinder, and more accepting of what is. This is all good. But in the last couple of weeks I feel as if a part of me--a very passionate, joyful, feminine part--is waking up after a long sleep (or shall I say coma?)

It started when I heard myself singing in the bathroom. I was surprised and couldn't remember the last time I sang. I did remember that I use to sing when I was really happy. So when was the last time I was really happy? I've been so serious. Money problems and survival issues put me in a serious mode. My spiritual path has also been serious. (Yes, yes, people are pissing me off and I need to forgive them. But where's the fun in that?) I've been tutoring students who are afraid of math; that's kind of serious. And I've been volunteering to spend time with older people, who discuss their aches and pains and health issues. Don't get me wrong. This is all worth while, and I love the people who are in my life. But where is the fun? Where is the laughter? Where is the passion?

Thankfully, it's showing up. Last week friends arrived from the Bay Area and we went to Mt. Shasta. On the ride home I found myself laughing so hard my stomach was hurting. Enough with being serene. That laugh felt better than anything I have felt in a long time. A man showed up to whom I am actually attracted. I was wondering if that was still possible for me, and to my relief and joy, I find that it is. Along with this revelation comes longing and desire. Oh no, bad! I shouldn't have longings and desires, I find myself thinking. Well, who says? I ask myself. This longing may be a bit scary but it feels alive. Coincidentally--as if there are coicidences--I just came across a poem by David Whyte called Longing which is just what I needed to read. Not some Zen koan about eliminating my desires.

So excitement about all the possibilities that the future holds is showing up for me. And yes, this is about the future, but I am feeling passionate and alive in the present. The world has gone from gray to full living color and I am glad about that.

From the Christ Mind

It's been about half a year since I last wrote in this blog. My life has improved dramatically. I am happily back in California and like where I am living. I have enough work, enough time, and money doesn't seem to concern me these days. All in all, I can say that I don't have any problems, because I am following a guidance that is wiser than my own. A Course in Miracles has transformed my life, and I am grateful that I was able to give something back.

I spent the summer working on a book that has just been published. From the Christ Mind, by Darrell Morley Price, is a kind of later day supplement to A Course in Miracles. For students of the Course, this book contains some additional explanation to some of the main ideas of the Course, along with some material not found in the Course reminiscent of Advaita Vedanta and Buddhism. For those who have not studied the Course, From the Christ Mind offers a clear summary of its basic ideas and a transmission that is very similar to that of the Course, and may inspire people to work with the Course.

Darrell Price has been a student of A Course in Miracles since 1984. He scribed this book, receiving it from the Mind of Jesus and writing it down as he received it. Not being computer savvy, he asked Jesus how he was going to get this book typed and edited. Jesus told him that He would find him the perfect person for the job. I had the honor of being that person, the one who typed and did some minor editing on the book. Synchronicity led me to Chico where I spent the summer working with Darrell. The experience was magical, or rather miraculous. Light filled the room as Darrell read the words to me. At times my computer started sparking. Time stood still or sped up, making four hours seem like one.

I am very grateful to have participated in the creation of this book, and hope that you will find it to be a light guiding you Home, as I have.

To order it please send a check for $14.95 ($11.95 plus $3 S&H) to Darrell Price, PO Box 4123 Chico, CA 95927

Take a leap of faith and God will catch you

I haven't written while I've been staying in California. I was too busy joyfully participating in life. I took a leap of faith and went to Marin County for six weeks, even though I barely had enough money for gas and food for a few weeks. And as always happens, I was totally supported.

Despite the fact that I was strapped for money, I decided to have a session with my network chiropractor. My logic told me that it didn't make sense to spend the money, but my heart (gut) told me to go. I was slightly amazed when Dr. Laura told me that her receptionist had just quit, and asked me if I wanted to work for her a couple of mornings a week. The money was minimal but it would cover food and gas; and I would get my treatments for free. Not to mention that I believe in her work and enjoy meeting with the people who come to her office. Yes! Of course I wanted to work for her.

Then I visited my friend who creates wonderful skin care products. She was planning an event and asked if I would consider helping her. Again the money was minimal by my old standards, but it definitely helped, and I was given all the skin care products I needed. Woo hoo!

Then a college student showed up who needed tutoring in algebra. Then a book showed up to edit. Invitations kept coming to me, and I kept saying "yes!" As a result more invitations kept coming to which I could say yes. This was very different from my old way of being, which was a tendency to say "no" so that I could keep my boundaries. Eight months of being isolated in Florida cured me from my need for isolation. A new person had returned to California, who was joyfully participating in life.

But looming in the background was the fact that I needed to return to Florida on July 31. How would I be able to move to California permanently? With one week to go, I found myself talking to God: "You have one week to move me back here! There is no way I am staying in Florida." And God's response caused me to laugh: "I created the world in one week. You think I can't move you back to California in one week?"

Sure enough, He moved me back. I won't go into all the miracles that happened but I am moving in two days, with my cats, home. For months I had been asking, "Where is my home? Where is my tribe?" and the answer has come. It took a tribe to move me back home, and I am grateful and happy.

God's will for me is perfect happiness, indeed!

Navigating in life without a map

A friend called me yesterday in turmoil. Like me, the old way of doing things is not working for her. Like me, in the past she knew what she wanted, put out her intent, and then manifested her desires. Like me, she finds that she doesn't really know what she wants these days. She'll think she wants something, and then finds that it fizzles out when she pursues it because she lacks passion. Like me, she is no longer able to push herself to do something that isn't inspiring to her.

I imagine that quite a few people are experiencing life like this. It's becoming more and more obvious that we are not in control. In fact, we were never in control, but we thought we were. In fact, most things that we created--relationships, jobs, etc.--did not lead to happiness. And we are no longer willing to spin our wheels to create something unless it will lead to our version of happiness.

So what to do, when we find ourselves in a new world, and the old maps no longer work? Well, for one thing, we can pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for God's grace. Pray for happiness. Pray for miracles.

Micromanaging God doesn't work, but we can still ask for what we want if the desire is a deep one. So while I don't feel that I can ask for a specific job, a specific home in the Bay Area, a specific relationship, a writing or speaking career, I can ask for the basics: happiness, freedom, love. I can even take my desires up a notch: I desire to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day; I desire to live in a place that feels like Home; I desire to have work that I enjoy and that takes care of my needs; I desire to live amongst my tribe; I desire a joyful partnership with a man.

Joyful participation in life, has become my mantra. I want to participate. And slowly I am finding myself in circumstances where I am participating and feeling happy. I am in California right now, after more than seven months in Florida; this feels like home. I am surrounded by friends who feel like my tribe. And work is showing up that is enjoyable as it involves something I believe in and working with people who are friends.

While I can't see the big picture, I am trusting that it is all being taken care of. I don't have any other option living so close to the edge. I can trust in a God that loves me Who is delivering me to a Heaven on Earth. Or I can place my faith in the world that tells me that I need to take control and make things happen, that I have to fight for what I want, that someone has to lose for me to win. Happiness or suffering, is my choice and it depends on where I place my faith.

In other words I can be host to God or hostage to the ego.

Doesn't seem like much of a choice to me.

Letting go of the idea that we need a vision

It's been months since I last wrote in my blog. The main reason is that I like to write in my blog when I have some clarity, and I haven't felt clear for a long time. Instead I have been in some deep, dark vortex--a place very close to what I imagine death is--and I have only been able to come up for air once in a while. I have had no answers, not for me, not for anyone else. All I have had are a lot of questions: What am I suppose to be doing? Do I have a purpose? How can I earn a living? Where is my home? Where do I belong? How can I be happy?

I haven't had a clue as to what the answers to these questions are. And most of my misery has been because I have had the belief that at this stage of my life--at my age and with all the spiritual work I've done--that I should have a vision. I should know what I want to create, I should set my intention, and I should be able to create it. I should have known that there was something off with this belief because it was making me so unhappy.

Today I learned that we have it backwards. Through Leslie Temple-Thurson (http://www.corelight.org), a spiritual teacher whom I respect, I learned about Lena Stevens's forecasts (www.thepowerpath.com). What she says is that the idea of having a vision first, then setting an intention, and then creating something, is backwards. It is putting the masculine (vision) ahead of the feminine (creativity.) Instead we need to allow ourselves to experience the void and let go of trying to control the chaos that we are in, which is rooted in the fear of the feminine. When we can hold creativity without form, the vision will come in its own time.

Woo hoo! This is one of the answers I've been waiting for. What I am wanting to manifest in my life is an unprecedented way of being, a life of happiness. I don't know how to envision this, as everything I thought would bring me happiness so far has brought me pain. So how can I be expected to create something that is beyond anything I've experienced or even imagined? I can't. All I can do is stay with the not-knowing and follow that which inspires me. If nothing inspires me, I do nothing. Eventually the chaos will start morphing into something wonderful, and then I will know what to do. And it will be a joyful experience.

So the challenge this month, according to Lena Stevens, is being comfortable with lacking purpose and not knowing what to do. And the opportunity is letting go of really old baggage and manifesting unimaginable miracles. I am just beginning to see the swirls of energy creating something that I didn't expect. And I am seeing the light after all the darkness. And I am beginning to remember what it feels like to be truly happy

Intense times for those of us born around 1953: Second Saturn Return

I know it's been a couple of months since I've written. Lately I've been debating deleting this blog, or at least deleting all the posts up to this point and starting fresh. Much of what I wrote a couple of years ago--or even six months ago--isn't representative of who I am now. Intense self-inquiry and processing has caused some major shifts in my way of being. For one I don't feel as passionate about my beliefs. Beliefs keep changing; they keep being upgraded just like software. Ultimately all beliefs are limiting, but our computers need some kind of software to run.

In meditation last week, I asked why I've been doing such intense processing this last year. I mean, for a few decades now I've processed up the wazoo and have had several dark nights of the soul. But this last year--especially these last five months--have taken the cake. The answer that popped into my head was: You're going through a Second Saturn Return.

Oh, right. I remembered that Saturn Returns happen every 29 years. I'm 58 now, so that makes sense. When I started googling "Second Saturn Return" most of the information was very depressing. Apparently a lot of people die around 58-60 years old, if they don't pass this test. And if you flunked your first Saturn Return then you're in deep trouble by the time the second one comes around.

Well, after I freaked out for a while, I realized that this Second Saturn Return was a good thing. This passage marks the time of becoming a true elder, someone who has wisdom and can offer guidance to others. Well, that's what I've wanted to do for a long time, but it seems I wasn't ready. This time-out in Florida was Saturn's way of getting me to come back to my family and process some serious childhood issues that I wasn't even aware of. How can you be an elder when a raging five-year old is sabotaging you?

When Saturn returns a second time, you are being called to a new life. The first Saturn Return at 29 years of age, marked the beginning of being an adult. It was a challenging time for me. I went through my first divorce, moved to Manhattan, met my second husband, and got my first direct marketing job. All these intense changes set the stage for my being in the world, and succeeding in creating the material life I wanted at the time.

Now Saturn is returning to say that what I've done the last 30 years will no longer work. I'm being called to start offering my true gifts, not the marketable skills that I acquired along the way. When the time-out is over, there will be a new harvest--a life worth living. Already I feel the energy starting to move.

This Second Saturn Return is a generational thing. Everyone who was born around the time I was, is going through it. If you want to see if you're in it, there is a calculator: http://www.astrocal.co.uk/saturn-return.htm . If you're in it, the bad news is that you're going to be uncomfortable. But the good news is that this passage has an end to it, and it is calling you to a happier life.

The difference between heaven and hell: A shift in perspective

A while ago I wrote that I was waiting for God to give me guidance before I did anything. I wasn't about to do something just to feel that I was in control and being active. I received a comment on that post, saying that I needed to look within, to take responsibility, to follow my passions. While I agree with this comment, it leads me to believe that I was misunderstood--or wasn't expressing myself clearly.

When I say that I am waiting for God to guide me--or waiting for a miracle--what I am really saying is that I'm waiting for a shift in my perspective. That is the miracle. And guidance from God may come from a thought that gives me joy, as it did recently.

A few weeks ago I was awake at 2 am and thought to myself that I could take my favorite posts from this blog (I've been writing after all for a few years) and group them together according to topic: Health, Work, Relationships, Friendships, etc. Then I could write before each section how my thinking had evolved. For example I have gone from believing in manifesting to believing in miracles. I have gone from being angry at men to honoring them.

Well, as soon as I thought of doing this, I felt excitement. Something inside me was jumping up and down from joy. I was looking forward to starting this project. And so I did. I actually have completed it, which is part of the reason I haven't written in a while.

I have since learned about writing query letters and sending them to literary agents. I am about to start writing a book proposal. While I don't know what will come of this, I now am doing something that makes me happy. I am using my God given talents to offer something more than this blog to the world. And I am no longer focusing on not having money, or on all the things that are happening in my life that I don't like. Instead I am focusing on what I want to create: a book that will be published and a speaking career that will support others on their life's journey.

As I am doing this, the whole world around me is shifting. My relationships are improving. I feel a sense of abundance. New opportunities are coming into my life, such as the possibility of speaking at an event. The miracle is a shift in my perspective--from feeling poor and needy to feeling that I have something to offer to support others. And this shift in perspective is the difference between heaven and hell.