The challenges of relationships

Relationships are hard work. I don't mean sexual partnerships such as husband and wife. Those are super hard work which I have avoided--or rather it has avoided me--for two decades. People think that being in a partnership will be romantic and fun, and they will get their needs met. Well, that hasn't been my experience. Partnerships will push every button you have. If you are conscious you will use this to grow. If you are not, you will leave and start the same partnership with another person. There is no escape.

But I'm not talking about sexual partnerships. I'm talking about friendships. What do you do when a friend does something that triggers you?

Do you say something to her? Probably not a good idea when you're angry. The issue will get lost in the emotions, and it will be more about winning the battle.

Do you wait until you're no longer angry, and then speak to her? Possibly. But some time will have passed by then, and the issue will seem petty. Of course the real issue isn't petty. The real issue is usually something important, like trust.

And what if she's a defensive type of person, and she won't hear anything you have to say? Then isn't speaking with her a waste of time?

But if you don't say anything, these little issues pile up until you can't have a real friendship. Unspoken issues have a tendency to leak out and poison the friendship.

The easiest thing seems to be to not say anything and stop seeing the person--that is if the relationship isn't that important to you. But if you do that often enough then you are left with very few friends, or all alone.

I don't have the answers. This is an issue I'm dealing with right now. But it's a weekend, and frankly I would rather sit alone and read a book...

Learning Self-Love

If you accept that everything that happens to you is a projection of what is going on inside you--which I do--then when ever there is a problem, the first place to look is within. If there's a battle going on outside, what is the battle that is going on inside? If someone out there hates me, how do I hate myself? This last question has been important to me lately, as I realize that most of my problems stem from self-hatred. Actually I would venture to say that most people's problems are the result of some form of self-hatred.

I read a book a while ago, I think the title was The Five As of Love. Basically it stated that there are five aspects to love, all of which begin with the letter "A":

1. Appreciation
2. Acceptance
3. Allowing
4. Attention
5. Affection

So one by one I started asking myself how I treat myself in regards to the above:

1. Do I appreciate myself? Uh, no. I'm always looking for things that I've done wrong so that I can improve. So I'm constantly criticizing myself. That must be why I need to hear appreciative words from others (my boss is great at that.) Perhaps if I appreciated myself, I wouldn't be so starved for it. I started listing the things that I appreciate about myself, and at first it felt wrong. It felt arrogant. But after a while I found myself relaxing. Hmmm... I do some things well. Maybe I'm not such a lost cause!
2. Do I accept myself? Nope. As soon as I do something that isn't perfect, I start beating myself up. Why didn't I catch that mistake? Why did I make that comment? There's a constant judge going on in my head. Ok, how about I accept that I'm not perfect? So I started listing all the things that I accept about myself: I accept that I get frightened; I accept that I like to be in control; I accept that I have a temper. Whew! Again, I found myself relaxing as I said these things.
3. Do I allow myself to just be? Not really. What a relief it would be to just allow myself to be what ever it is I'm being.

I think the only "A" that I got is that I pay attention to myself--too much attention to myself. Perhaps if I started appreciating and accepting myself, then I wouldn't have to focus on everything that I'm doing wrong. And then perhaps I'd be able to relax and that relaxed way of being would be reflected on the outside as well. It's worth a try...

Navigating the Dark Night of the Soul - Part 2

This is not about my workshop on Saturday, but rather about my own process in navigating the dark night of the soul. It seems true that we teach what we most need to learn.

Clearly the shadow people have been my own dark journey. What a perfect manifestation of the dark night of the soul! I tried everything to get rid of them: ignoring them and pretending they weren't there, battling them, performing banishment rituals, calling upon Archangel Michael with his sword to get rid of them, hiring shamans to clear my home, going to energy healers...You name it; I did it. After decades of studying new age metaphysics, I have a full tool box. But nothing had worked, leaving me feeling hopeless.

Well, I hadn't tried everything. A healer whom I see on a regular basis, who practices Network Chiropractic, had a very different suggestion for me. "I'm a pacifist" she said. "Have you tried talking to them and seeing what it is they want?" Uh, no. That didn't make sense to me. Putting my sword down and no longer fighting the dark? Wasn't that giving in to the dark?

As I prayed on this, I realized that she made sense. What didn't make sense was fighting a war. How was I different than these dark entities if I wanted to kill them, banish them, all in the name of my own survival? I realized that she didn't mean for me to be a wimp and let them take over. I had already done that. What she meant was that I bring in my own presence and shine my light on the situation, without anger and without fear. The way Home is the middle way; it passes through the place where dark and light meet. You cannot get to heaven by killing off the dark--not the dark outside, and not the dark parts inside.

Nothing can affect you without your permission. I know this, and I've been saying that I break all contracts and agreements that do not serve my highest good. Last night I realized that these dark entities were serving my highest good. They were showing me where I had given my power away. They were showing me what I needed to heal. If I'm meant to be a true teacher and support others in awakening then I need to be able to meet their darkness when it shows up. And it will show up to be healed. I've been praying to be such a teacher. How can I meet the darkness of others, if I can't meet my own?

Last night when the shadows showed up, I thanked them for the gift they had given me. I asked them if there was anything they wanted to say to me. They were silent. I slept well.

This morning I woke up feeling grateful for all the gifts in my life including--no, especially--those that have taken me to the dark night of the soul. These dark gifts are a call to love more deeply.

Battling the Shadow People

When I was young I enjoyed watching a show called Dark Shadows. I also loved Science Fiction and was a big Star Trek fan. Little did I know that these interests would prepare me for my very unusual life. There is a big part of me that is rational, logical, and good with numbers. That part knows how to fit in and also earns the income to pay the bills. It's the part I show the outside world.

In the last couple of decades however, the other part of me has grown--the intuitive mystical part that has abilities that are beyond normal. When I am meditating in a dark room I can see light fill the room. I can also see light when I am around enlightened teachers. That part is fun. What isn't fun is that I can see dark creatures as well. For months I have been waking up in the middle of the night seeing dark hooded figures floating by my bed. Needless to say I have not been happy about this.

I thought it might be my imagination until a friend slept over a few weeks ago. I had the best night's sleep and found out that she hardly slept at all. She felt these beings and tried to banish them, but they kept coming back. Having this confirmation, I decided to find out what I could about these dark hooded figures. I found out that they are called "shadow people" and that many people are seeing them at night. I found out that unlike ghosts, moving won't get rid of them. They will follow you. Unlike ghosts they have never been human beings; they are made up of fear and feed off of it. And they try to stop lightworkers from doing their work.

Instead of being afraid I got angry. I'd be damned if I was going to let a shadow person push me around. I cleared up my space, blessed it with holy water that I brought from Ecuador, put out pictures of saints, and called on Archangel Michael to support me. I started fighting them but the war escalated. Finally I had to take a step back and see how I was creating this.

I know that you can't end a war by going to war. I feel that I've been fighting the war between good and evil for eons, definitely going back to Atlantis. I realized that it was time to put an end to this war. Last night when I woke up at 5 am seeing these shadows, I told them that I would not fight nor would I comply. I had no contracts or agreements with them and they were trespassing. It was time for them to leave.

I went into meditation and started looking at my own shadow. Can I embrace my shadow, in addition to embracing my light? Can I end the war of good and evil within me? I hope so, for that is the only way to end it on the outside--by ending it on the inside.

Navigating the Dark Night of the Soul

That's the title of the workshop that I'm starting to offer (http://tinyurl.com/despinawk), having been through several dark nights of the soul and having come out on the other side. I figure that there are many people entering this dark part of their spiritual journey, and perhaps I can offer some guide posts to make their path easier to travel. I learned some lessons the hard way. Perhaps other people can benefit and have an easier time of it.

I used to think that I had to become enlightened (what ever that means) before I could support people on their spiritual path. But it finally occured to me that I would be waiting for a long time. In the meantime, I can't stop discussing spiritual issues. That's where my heart is. That's where my passion is. That's what I should be doing.

A friend helped me by saying, "You don't have to be enlightened to teach. You just have to know more than your students." That makes sense to me. So I've been praying to be a true teacher and to offer the gifts I have joyfully and with humility.

It's clear to me that life isn't about suffering and sacrifice. If you follow that which gives you joy, then you are doing what you came here to do. If you are not following your heart's desire, if you are not offering your gifts, then the Universe (God, what ever you wish to call the higher power) will send you a wake up call. First it will be a light tap on the shoulder. If you don't listen, it will become a stronger tap. Then a punch. Then the rug will be pulled out from under you, your whole life will collapse, and you will go through the dark night of the soul. This is not a punishment. It's grace pulling you away from the things that were causing you pain: the loveless marriage, the boring job, the energy-draining friends, etc.

I just read a quote from Seth, channeled by Jane Roberts, which states:
Organize your reality according to your strength, playfulness, dreams, joy, and hopes. Then you can help those who organize their reality according to their fears.

I found this to be profound, and I hope I am doing that.

More on Hypo-Thyroidism

This blog was not intended to be about health. It was intended to be about spiritual matters. But how can you separate one from the other? When you are feeling constantly tired and barely able to function, how can you focus on self-actualization and spiritual awakening? You are too busy focused on survival. You are focused on taking care of the basics: getting your job done so you can pay your bills, cleaning the house, cooking, sending the kids off to school, taking care of your responsibilities. There is no energy left over for fun, passion, purpose, or anything that makes life worthwhile.

I am convinced that among women hypo-thyroidism (low thyroid) is a rampant epidemic. I thought it was just middle-aged and older women. But yesterday I met a drop-dead gorgeous 30-year old woman who was telling me the story I knew so well. She had no energy. She woke up tired and in a fog. She could barely function. She had been to doctors who kept telling her she's fine because they couldn't find anything wrong with her. Meanwhile she was starting to lose her beautiful blonde hair.

I quickly whipped out two of the thyroid supplements I've been taking (read the previous post) and asked her to take them right away. I promised her that she would feel better within a day if thyroid was her issue, which I have no doubt that it is. She seemed skeptical but took them. I too was skeptical when my friend gave me the supplements to take. But I was a believer the next day when I woke up with more energy than I had had in years. Since then I have seen two other women take the supplement and come back to life overnight.

I also gave her some direction around:

• Not eating sugar--use maltitol, xylitol or agave nectar instead
• Staying away from Nutrisweet. It causes headaches, which she has been experiencing, and has been known to cause brain cancer.
• Staying away from dairy. Coconut milk makes a great smoothie, with a protein powder of your choice and frozen organic berries.
• Finding some gluten-free substitutes for bread and pasta.

I'm not a nutritionist but I have read enough and have noticed what works for me. I wish that medical doctors would do the same.

She called me "her angel" and I saw hope light her face. I hope she lets me know how she is.

So again, I beseech you. If you are feeling really tired and especially are losing hair, spend $20 and buy a bottle of Raw Thyroid by Natural Sources. Take a couple of supplements in the morning, and a couple more at lunch time. In all probability you will get your life back.

By the way, I am in no way connected to the company that produces these supplements--except that I am grateful for their product changing my life.

Back from the dead

From the date of my last post I see that it's been almost a year since I wrote. I wasn't sure that I would write in my blog again, but it seems to have come to life on its own. Everyday there is a nice comment from a fellow blogger and so I thought I'd pick up the pen again, so to speak.

Much has transpired in the last ten months since I wrote. I found out that my being tired all the time was not a result of old age. My mother is 82 years old and had five times more energy than I did. But it wasn't until I started losing much of my hair that I realized there was something really wrong with me. Well it turned out that I had a low thyroid (hypo-thyroidism). The $1,800 worth of blood tests while revealing many things wrong, did not identify my thyroid as the main culprit. A friend diagnosed me. She handed me a couple of supplements and said, "If it's your thyroid, you will feel better right away." I didn't believe her but I took a supplement and the next day I felt really alive for the first time in months.

It seems that over 40% of the female population suffers from hypo-thyroidism. These women are constantly tired, don't have the energy to do simple things like get dressed and put on make-up, lose their sexual desire and passion for life, and when it gets really bad lose their hair. I thank God that I went practically bald. It allowed me to see that there was something really wrong with me and no, forcing myself to exercise was not going to help. Exercising when you have low thyroid totally depletes you to the point where you think you're going to collapse.

My sister recommended an excellent book called Hypo-thyroidism: The Unsuspected Illness by Broda O. Barnes and Lawrence Galton. If I had only read it when it was first published, in 1976, I could have had more energy sooner and more of a life. But better late than never.

The remedy is so simple. I didn't even need to take thyroid hormone. There is a great Raw Thyroid supplement by Natural Sources that you can buy at Whole Foods or order online at www.luckyvitamin.com . It costs less than $20 a bottle and a couple of pills will make a huge difference right away, if thyroid is your issue. Since I've been taking these supplements (I take 4 a day) I have energy, the world has gone from gray to color, and my hair is starting to grow back. Also I have helped several other friends who had similar symptoms and who are now feeling much better thanks to these supplements.

Ladies, we are not meant to go quietly in the night and fade away. If you are feeling the way I did, just try these supplements out. And don't waste your time with visits to the doctor and expensive tests which more often than not do not indicate a problem.

It's good to be back!