To my surprise, today is the 12th day of my following the Course in Miracles. There are 365 lessons, one for each day, which I started on my birthday. I've heard about the Course in Miracles for years--decades really--but wasn't drawn to it until now. The reason for this is clear to me. I wasn't ready for this teaching which is all about forgiveness. The only way to salvation is by forgiving others. Ugh! Anything but that, was my first thought. I really got the lesson about truth and freedom, but for years now I have been using truth and freedom mostly as a weapon to beat other people with. It's clear that it's time to lay the sword down.
The path that lead me to start the Course was circuitous. First I read a book by David Icke called Human Race Get Off Your Knees. While I believe that most of what is written there is true, it was about 700 pages of very depressing stuff. We live in a world where religion destroys true spirituality, medicine destroys health, education destroys true knowledge, the legal system destroys true justice. Yep. I get this. But there were only a few pages at the end that were inspiring, concerning what to do to clean up this mess. So I finished this book and prayed for inspiration.
Then a friend sent me a book for my birthday called The Disappearance of the Universe. It discussed the Course in Miracles and the importance of forgiveness. I started shifting from focusing on everything that's wrong with the world, and started focusing on what is wrong with me. I don't forgive. I see minor things as attacks. I play old events that happened years ago over in my mind and get angry. My mind is insane--as is everyone else's. OK, I realized that I needed help to get to the next level. And it couldn't be another guru. I was not about to give my power away again. The teaching needed to be a self-study course.
Another friend gave me a book for my birthday which I had already read. She exchanged it for the Course and off we went. In addition to the 365 lessons there is a LOT of text. Most people don't read the text, but of course I do. I'm up to page 600 and it's intense. But here's what has spoken to me so far. Illness comes from attack--believing that you can be attacked and in turn attacking others. Since in Reality there is only one of us, when you attack another person you are really attacking yourself. The way to heal is by forgiving, rather than attacking. In reality, there is nothing to forgive as no one is really hurting you. But at this level, where we are still in the illusion of separation, forgiveness is necessary.
So for purely selfish reasons, I am now focusing on forgiving and not attacking--as I do not want to live in a lonely world where illness and pain reigns. Forgiveness will pave the way to Heaven on Earth. Unfortunately forgiveness does not come as easily as freedom does for me, but then again I haven't been practicing for very long. And I know that I have help, as I can call upon the Holy Spirit for support. This is the only way to end the insanity of the world. I need to end my own insanity.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Being a team player
Am I a team player? I've been asking myself that lately, but I'm not sure what the definition of a team player is. If being a team player means that I keep the commitments I make to the team, that I support my co-workers with the best work I can do, that I meet my deadlines (usually early), that I tell the truth to the team--then I think I can say that I'm a team player. But if being a team player is a form of self-betrayal, then I am not a team player. Or rather my intention is not to betray myself, though the lessons are on-going.
What does betraying myself in order to be a team player mean? Well, I'll go back to my Columbia House days, when I was a vice-president in my thirties--as those days exemplify the grossest forms of self-betrayal. My 90+ year old father was very sick in Florida, and my mother was taking care of him. One day my mother, who never asks anything of me, called to tell me that my father was asking to see me, and if I wanted to see him while he was still alive, I needed to go to Florida right away. But there was a big presentation going on that I was in charge of, to the Chairman, President, CFO, and various other Vice presidents of the organization. What could I do? I can't believe that I actually considered not going to see my father. Whew! I would have regretted it to this day.
Instead I woke up and realized that seeing my father was the priority. There were no lap tap computers in those days, and I didn't even use the computer. I left my director in charge, gave specific tasks that she needed to do, made myself available on the phone, and went to Florida. I won't say much about that trip except that for the first time I experienced my father as being demonstratively loving, and realized that he actually did love me. He never had spent much time with me when I was growing up.
Returning to New York, I went to the office a day before the meeting, only to find that my director had botched things up. I worked all day and night to fix the presentation, and showed up exhausted the next morning to present. The Chairman looked at me and sarcastically said, "It's nice that you could join us." That really brought home the abuse of this specific company, and most corporations. Human Resources is an ugly term but accurate. The human being is another resource to be used up. Needless to say that was the beginning of an increasing disenchantment with the corporate world.
So to my surprise I have found myself working almost four years for a large high tech company in the South Bay. This has only been possible because I feel that I have the freedom to make my choices, and never feel coerced to betray myself in any way. But we make our own chains sometime. Yesterday was my birthday. Being a Friday I already had the day off (I supposedly don't work on Fridays) and decided that I was going to spend the long weekend celebrating. But when asked if I would be willing to go to the office for a presentation that day (which involves driving at least four hours) I agreed to do it in order to be a "team player." I betrayed the commitment that I made to myself, and it turned out the presentation didn't happen. If only I had stayed true, it would have all worked out. Instead I spent most of my birthday stuck in traffic in an unairconditioned car, feeling angry with myself.
As if that wasn't enough, I agreed to do the presentation next Friday when I had decided to take time off to spend with my 82 year-old mother who will be visiting me from Florida. Friday will be her first day here. Stuck in the car yesterday, I asked myself, What the hell am I doing? Will my mother be able to visit me again? What about my commitment to spend time with her? I called my coworker to let her know that I would not be available next Friday and she understood. As I said, we make our own chains. And the self-betrayals as we become more awake (conscious) become more subtle. As Papaji, an Indian enlightened master, said: Vigilance is required to the last breath.
So am I a team player? Not if it means putting the team above my physical and mental health, or above my important relationships.
What does betraying myself in order to be a team player mean? Well, I'll go back to my Columbia House days, when I was a vice-president in my thirties--as those days exemplify the grossest forms of self-betrayal. My 90+ year old father was very sick in Florida, and my mother was taking care of him. One day my mother, who never asks anything of me, called to tell me that my father was asking to see me, and if I wanted to see him while he was still alive, I needed to go to Florida right away. But there was a big presentation going on that I was in charge of, to the Chairman, President, CFO, and various other Vice presidents of the organization. What could I do? I can't believe that I actually considered not going to see my father. Whew! I would have regretted it to this day.
Instead I woke up and realized that seeing my father was the priority. There were no lap tap computers in those days, and I didn't even use the computer. I left my director in charge, gave specific tasks that she needed to do, made myself available on the phone, and went to Florida. I won't say much about that trip except that for the first time I experienced my father as being demonstratively loving, and realized that he actually did love me. He never had spent much time with me when I was growing up.
Returning to New York, I went to the office a day before the meeting, only to find that my director had botched things up. I worked all day and night to fix the presentation, and showed up exhausted the next morning to present. The Chairman looked at me and sarcastically said, "It's nice that you could join us." That really brought home the abuse of this specific company, and most corporations. Human Resources is an ugly term but accurate. The human being is another resource to be used up. Needless to say that was the beginning of an increasing disenchantment with the corporate world.
So to my surprise I have found myself working almost four years for a large high tech company in the South Bay. This has only been possible because I feel that I have the freedom to make my choices, and never feel coerced to betray myself in any way. But we make our own chains sometime. Yesterday was my birthday. Being a Friday I already had the day off (I supposedly don't work on Fridays) and decided that I was going to spend the long weekend celebrating. But when asked if I would be willing to go to the office for a presentation that day (which involves driving at least four hours) I agreed to do it in order to be a "team player." I betrayed the commitment that I made to myself, and it turned out the presentation didn't happen. If only I had stayed true, it would have all worked out. Instead I spent most of my birthday stuck in traffic in an unairconditioned car, feeling angry with myself.
As if that wasn't enough, I agreed to do the presentation next Friday when I had decided to take time off to spend with my 82 year-old mother who will be visiting me from Florida. Friday will be her first day here. Stuck in the car yesterday, I asked myself, What the hell am I doing? Will my mother be able to visit me again? What about my commitment to spend time with her? I called my coworker to let her know that I would not be available next Friday and she understood. As I said, we make our own chains. And the self-betrayals as we become more awake (conscious) become more subtle. As Papaji, an Indian enlightened master, said: Vigilance is required to the last breath.
So am I a team player? Not if it means putting the team above my physical and mental health, or above my important relationships.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What is enlightenment?
That's the question a friend asked me on Sunday. She wondered if I'd be willing to discuss enlightenment with her and another friend, with whom she was having a disagreement. "Uh, no" was my immediate response. I can discuss plenty of things based on my experience. But since I have yet to experience enlightenment, I didn't feel it made sense to argue over what it is or isn't. How do I know? All I know is what I've read. And I have read A LOT on enlightenment. But that's like three blind people arguing over what the color red looks like, after someone who can see has described it to them. Until they can see for themselves, how can they possibly know?
But as I talked with my friend, I realized that she thought that enlightenment was bullshit. It didn't exist. It was simply us gradually becoming more aware and conscious. And that's where I would disagree. Even though I have yet to experience enlightenment, there is a knowing from deep within me that this stage of evolution exists, and is a quantum leap from our current consciousness. I have seen it in the fathomless, still eyes of spiritual teachers and saints. I have received transmissions of clarity and heart energy not only from live teachers but even from pictures of Ramana Maharshi and Yogananda that came to life and glowed with light. I know there is a state of being at one with everything, experiencing oneself as boundless love, that represents a huge shift in human evolution. People like Eckart Tolle, Byron Katie, Leslie Temple Thurston, Ammachi, are part of a different species of human--one into which we are all evolving.
So yes, there is such a thing as gradual awakening--becoming more conscious and more aware. And I can talk about that, as I am more awake now then I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, or even last week. I have experienced many shifts over the years: I do not betray myself; I tell the truth; I am committed to freedom above all else. As a result, my life has improved tremendously. Twenty years ago I could not imagine living in such a beautiful area, having work that I enjoy so much, having such beautiful friends. I've changed and my outer circumstances have changed.
But that quantum leap of being enlightened has yet to happen. The work I have done on myself has ripened the fruit on the tree. But when the fruit finally falls off the tree depends on Grace. I can't do anything to rush that. A spiritual teacher once said that you would know when the shift happens. It would be as if you were in a dark closet and all of a sudden the light bulb went on. I look forward to that time.
In the meantime, I appreciate how far I have come. I am no longer blind. I've started seeing shadows which are getting clearer and clearer. My reality isn't in full living color yet, but it will be. It will be.
But as I talked with my friend, I realized that she thought that enlightenment was bullshit. It didn't exist. It was simply us gradually becoming more aware and conscious. And that's where I would disagree. Even though I have yet to experience enlightenment, there is a knowing from deep within me that this stage of evolution exists, and is a quantum leap from our current consciousness. I have seen it in the fathomless, still eyes of spiritual teachers and saints. I have received transmissions of clarity and heart energy not only from live teachers but even from pictures of Ramana Maharshi and Yogananda that came to life and glowed with light. I know there is a state of being at one with everything, experiencing oneself as boundless love, that represents a huge shift in human evolution. People like Eckart Tolle, Byron Katie, Leslie Temple Thurston, Ammachi, are part of a different species of human--one into which we are all evolving.
So yes, there is such a thing as gradual awakening--becoming more conscious and more aware. And I can talk about that, as I am more awake now then I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, or even last week. I have experienced many shifts over the years: I do not betray myself; I tell the truth; I am committed to freedom above all else. As a result, my life has improved tremendously. Twenty years ago I could not imagine living in such a beautiful area, having work that I enjoy so much, having such beautiful friends. I've changed and my outer circumstances have changed.
But that quantum leap of being enlightened has yet to happen. The work I have done on myself has ripened the fruit on the tree. But when the fruit finally falls off the tree depends on Grace. I can't do anything to rush that. A spiritual teacher once said that you would know when the shift happens. It would be as if you were in a dark closet and all of a sudden the light bulb went on. I look forward to that time.
In the meantime, I appreciate how far I have come. I am no longer blind. I've started seeing shadows which are getting clearer and clearer. My reality isn't in full living color yet, but it will be. It will be.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
What is commitment in a relationship?
I don't know why relationships have been on my mind lately. In the past my thoughts were all about money, but there's been abundance in my life for a while now. Maybe it's because I haven't been in a partnership in a long time, and I am feeling ready for one--not hoping or longing, just ready. Because I haven't had any partnership issues I've become an observer of others' partnerships.
A friend is separating from her partner for a while. Fear of intimacy seems to be the culprit, as it often is. When she first began the partnership, they both wrote down a series of commitments to each other. When she read them to me they seemed, how shall I say it, a bit fairy-tailish. They were committing to being romantic and nice and I forget what else. I remember telling her that I thought when you get into a partnership you are bound to push each other's buttons. There will come a time when you downright hate each other. That's when commitment needs to show up.
If I were starting a partnership, the commitment would be for neither one of us to leave the partnership if we were angry or afraid. It wouldn't be about the relationship lasting forever, as I don't believe that's what relationships are about. Some of them outlive their usefulness. If the relationship doesn't support my highest good, then I don't want to participate in it. But I tend to leave when I'm angry, because I don't feel valued or appreciated. That's my stuff to work out--my abandonment issues. Others tend to leave when they are afraid. Rushing out of a relationship is just as detrimental as rushing into one.
I now know that partnerships will bring up all the anger and fear so that these issues can be healed. Expecting a partnership to be all about romance and having fun is putting serious limits on it, that will keep it at a very superficial level. Staying put when all your demons come up, and having a partner who is committed to stay with you as you walk through the dark night, is where true intimacy lies. My intention is to be such a partner so that I can attract one. We shall see...
A friend is separating from her partner for a while. Fear of intimacy seems to be the culprit, as it often is. When she first began the partnership, they both wrote down a series of commitments to each other. When she read them to me they seemed, how shall I say it, a bit fairy-tailish. They were committing to being romantic and nice and I forget what else. I remember telling her that I thought when you get into a partnership you are bound to push each other's buttons. There will come a time when you downright hate each other. That's when commitment needs to show up.
If I were starting a partnership, the commitment would be for neither one of us to leave the partnership if we were angry or afraid. It wouldn't be about the relationship lasting forever, as I don't believe that's what relationships are about. Some of them outlive their usefulness. If the relationship doesn't support my highest good, then I don't want to participate in it. But I tend to leave when I'm angry, because I don't feel valued or appreciated. That's my stuff to work out--my abandonment issues. Others tend to leave when they are afraid. Rushing out of a relationship is just as detrimental as rushing into one.
I now know that partnerships will bring up all the anger and fear so that these issues can be healed. Expecting a partnership to be all about romance and having fun is putting serious limits on it, that will keep it at a very superficial level. Staying put when all your demons come up, and having a partner who is committed to stay with you as you walk through the dark night, is where true intimacy lies. My intention is to be such a partner so that I can attract one. We shall see...
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Are relationships about getting our needs met?
Last week I went out with a male friend who has made it clear that he would like to be more than just a friend--this, despite the fact that he already has a partner. Our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I thought that we had gotten to a place where we could enjoy each other's company without any expectations or agendas.
From my part, I don't feel that I have expectations from him or an agenda. I don't secretly hope that he will leave his partner and be mine. I don't expect him to take me out and treat me to dinners; we pay our own way. When I'm going through difficult emotional times, I don't expect him to come running to me and make it all better. I don't expect him to call me or show up in my life frequently. I'm just happy when he calls and I enjoy his company because I find him to be truthful, aware (except in the sexual arena), kind, loving, intelligent, wise, and fun to be around. I appreciate who he is and do not try to change him. We have very different ideas about certain things, mainly about what a partnership between a man and a woman should look like. But we both tell the truth and have a passion for freedom, and that to me is a very good reason to have him in my life.
This is the first relationship that I've had with a man which is not about getting my needs met. In my younger years (OK, up to a few years ago) I didn't see the point of being with a man unless there was a possibility that the relationship would lead to marriage. Hurray! I'm growing up.
So you can imagine how surprised I was when last week, at the Chinese restaurant, this friend told me that he wasn't getting his needs met from me. He asked me if I ever intended to have sex with him. "No," was my reply. He appeared hurt. Then there was hope in his eyes as he asked, "Well, would you consider just sleeping with me?" "No," I replied. He finally got it and became sullen.
When I asked him what he was feeling, he said he was feeling rejected. I was surprised and sad that he couldn't feel how much I love him because he had sex and love linked together. His belief seems to be that if a woman loves him, she will want to have sex with him. I explained that I love him and that this is his issue to resolve. He's mature enough to understand this but still needs to go away to process. Whether he decides to see me again or not is his choice.
I've been thinking of all the conditions that we place on our friends. If you love me you will...have sex with me, give me money, come to my birthday party, listen to my story, agree with me that my ex-husband is a jerk, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. What a heavy burden we put on friendship!
Can we imagine being in relationship just for the sheer pleasure of connecting?
Can we imagine being in relationship without getting anything out of it? Without any agreements of what the other person owes us or what we owe them?
I certainly hope so, because that's the only friendship that I'm willing to have these days...
From my part, I don't feel that I have expectations from him or an agenda. I don't secretly hope that he will leave his partner and be mine. I don't expect him to take me out and treat me to dinners; we pay our own way. When I'm going through difficult emotional times, I don't expect him to come running to me and make it all better. I don't expect him to call me or show up in my life frequently. I'm just happy when he calls and I enjoy his company because I find him to be truthful, aware (except in the sexual arena), kind, loving, intelligent, wise, and fun to be around. I appreciate who he is and do not try to change him. We have very different ideas about certain things, mainly about what a partnership between a man and a woman should look like. But we both tell the truth and have a passion for freedom, and that to me is a very good reason to have him in my life.
This is the first relationship that I've had with a man which is not about getting my needs met. In my younger years (OK, up to a few years ago) I didn't see the point of being with a man unless there was a possibility that the relationship would lead to marriage. Hurray! I'm growing up.
So you can imagine how surprised I was when last week, at the Chinese restaurant, this friend told me that he wasn't getting his needs met from me. He asked me if I ever intended to have sex with him. "No," was my reply. He appeared hurt. Then there was hope in his eyes as he asked, "Well, would you consider just sleeping with me?" "No," I replied. He finally got it and became sullen.
When I asked him what he was feeling, he said he was feeling rejected. I was surprised and sad that he couldn't feel how much I love him because he had sex and love linked together. His belief seems to be that if a woman loves him, she will want to have sex with him. I explained that I love him and that this is his issue to resolve. He's mature enough to understand this but still needs to go away to process. Whether he decides to see me again or not is his choice.
I've been thinking of all the conditions that we place on our friends. If you love me you will...have sex with me, give me money, come to my birthday party, listen to my story, agree with me that my ex-husband is a jerk, etc. etc. The list goes on and on. What a heavy burden we put on friendship!
Can we imagine being in relationship just for the sheer pleasure of connecting?
Can we imagine being in relationship without getting anything out of it? Without any agreements of what the other person owes us or what we owe them?
I certainly hope so, because that's the only friendship that I'm willing to have these days...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Goddess vs. Disney
I finally had a realization as to why I'm having such a hard time ageing. It's because of all the Disney movies I watched when I was a little girl (thank you, Walt!) It seems that Disney--and our society in general--only has three female archetypes that are twisted versions of the maiden/mother/crone goddess triad.
According to Disney:
According to Disney:
- The maiden is the beautiful, young, innocent woman who has no power--well, basically she is asleep--and is waiting for the prince to save her. Yep, I bought into that archetype big time and was lucky enough (or unlucky enough) that I could play that role well into my 40s.
- The mother is really the step-mother. She is still beautiful and has power, but the wrong kind of power. She has power over others, which she misuses to her own ends. She is the mean Queen who is not to be trusted and wants to kill the maiden. Basically she is a powerful bitch who is to be feared and the whole world is better off when she dies.
- The crone is the old witch-hag who eats little children, who gives Snow White the poisoned apple to eat, etc. etc. She is ugly in her old age, bent over with big warts on her big nose, which mirrors the ugliness that she has inside.
No wonder I'm having trouble finding a mature archetype to emulate. I used to be pretty enough to play the maiden role well and while that role looked good it was really painful. In real life the prince never shows up to save you; you have to save yourself. Decades wasted waiting for something to happen that didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of happening! Uh, thank you Mr. Disney, society, and advertising for supporting me in believing something that just caused suffering (to me and those poor guys who showed up but couldn't be the prince)
Having passed the maiden stage, there is no archetype for the mature or older woman. Both are bitches. Ok, if I have to choose I guess I'll be the Queen bitch. At least she has power and gets to do what she wants, while still being fairly attractive.
But what about being a Queen who has real power, personal power, which is combined with compassion? Uh, no such archetype in Disney's fairy-tales or in our society for that matter.
And what about the beautiful older woman, who is a wise elder, guiding the young? Nope. No such archetype in Disney's world or in our modern day world.
No wonder women are going back to the goddess. It's time for archetypes that honor mature and older women, and offer us the freedom to be who we were meant to be.
Personally, I don't consider myself a "goddess" person as I am not into ritual or wearing goddessy clothing. But I am glad to borrow the archetype of a priestess who owns her power and uses it to support awakening.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The challenges of relationships
Relationships are hard work. I don't mean sexual partnerships such as husband and wife. Those are super hard work which I have avoided--or rather it has avoided me--for two decades. People think that being in a partnership will be romantic and fun, and they will get their needs met. Well, that hasn't been my experience. Partnerships will push every button you have. If you are conscious you will use this to grow. If you are not, you will leave and start the same partnership with another person. There is no escape.
But I'm not talking about sexual partnerships. I'm talking about friendships. What do you do when a friend does something that triggers you?
Do you say something to her? Probably not a good idea when you're angry. The issue will get lost in the emotions, and it will be more about winning the battle.
Do you wait until you're no longer angry, and then speak to her? Possibly. But some time will have passed by then, and the issue will seem petty. Of course the real issue isn't petty. The real issue is usually something important, like trust.
And what if she's a defensive type of person, and she won't hear anything you have to say? Then isn't speaking with her a waste of time?
But if you don't say anything, these little issues pile up until you can't have a real friendship. Unspoken issues have a tendency to leak out and poison the friendship.
The easiest thing seems to be to not say anything and stop seeing the person--that is if the relationship isn't that important to you. But if you do that often enough then you are left with very few friends, or all alone.
I don't have the answers. This is an issue I'm dealing with right now. But it's a weekend, and frankly I would rather sit alone and read a book...
But I'm not talking about sexual partnerships. I'm talking about friendships. What do you do when a friend does something that triggers you?
Do you say something to her? Probably not a good idea when you're angry. The issue will get lost in the emotions, and it will be more about winning the battle.
Do you wait until you're no longer angry, and then speak to her? Possibly. But some time will have passed by then, and the issue will seem petty. Of course the real issue isn't petty. The real issue is usually something important, like trust.
And what if she's a defensive type of person, and she won't hear anything you have to say? Then isn't speaking with her a waste of time?
But if you don't say anything, these little issues pile up until you can't have a real friendship. Unspoken issues have a tendency to leak out and poison the friendship.
The easiest thing seems to be to not say anything and stop seeing the person--that is if the relationship isn't that important to you. But if you do that often enough then you are left with very few friends, or all alone.
I don't have the answers. This is an issue I'm dealing with right now. But it's a weekend, and frankly I would rather sit alone and read a book...
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