There is no such thing as happily ever after. I don't mean this in a bad way. This is a good thing. Happiness isn't stagnant. It's not a destination, it's a journey. We don't reach happiness and then stop. Rather we reach the highest level of happiness that we are capable of reaching at any given point of time--given our beliefs and our past experiences. Then, as we evolve, we become capable of an even higher level of happiness. While this is a good thing, reaching a new level of happiness is uncomfortable because the old life has to be dismantled first, before the new life can begin. And usually dismantling is a painful process as we see the loss, but we do not see what is coming in.
I realized today as I was re-reading my book, Not a Guru, that I wasn't lying three years ago when I said that I was happy. I was happy at the time. I had a job that offered me everything that I had asked for. But after a while I became ready for a new level of happiness. I didn't just want a job that was easy and lucrative, working with people I liked. I wanted a job that I was passionate about, where I was inspired and inspiring, that was in service of a better world. I wanted to wake up and look forward to my day. And the old job went away not for economic reasons, as it would appear. It went away because I was asking for something more.
So what is coming into my life? It looks like I will have a speaking gig through the hospice where I have been volunteering. The head of the volunteers, whom I adore, wants to approach corporate clients and is offering me an opportunity to speak to them. She is giving me carte blanche to speak on anything I want. Hurray!
I've also been called to put together a new book from my favorite posts, along with narrative on the evolution over the three years that I have been writing here. I have to say that it's looking pretty good, and I have spent the last few days learning to write query letters and emailing literary agents. Regardless of what comes out of this, I feel good. The creative energy is flowing and despite the fact that nothing outside has changed in my life, I feel happy.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Magic imprisons but the laws of God make free
Magic imprisons, but the laws of God make free. This was a sentence in my Course in Miracles lesson today that really spoke to me. It also relates to a conversation that Shandi and I had in the comments section of my last post. So I thought I'd expand on it, partly to make it more clear to myself.
Many friends who know my circumstances--and of course anyone who reads my blog knows my "dire" circumstances--ask me, "Why don't you manifest what you want? You're such a good manifestor!" This is true. For years I lived what The Secret teaches. I could write down what kind of house I wanted, and magically it would appear. That's how I got my last corporate job. I wrote down everything I wanted in a job--great boss, good team, lots of money, easy, flexible hours--and I got all that. But surprisingly it didn't make me happy--at least not long term.
Three years down the road, when I was sitting in my office number crunching, feeling really bored and having no energy, I realized that the job I had asked for was not making me happy. When I discussed this with a fun loving friend, she looked at my list and said, "You didn't ask to have fun." No, I didn't. Nor had I asked to feel passionate about my work, to look forward to waking up in the morning and doing it, to be of service to awakening, to be inspired and inspiring. From my limited perspective I had created the "ideal" job, but as I evolved I realized that there was so much more I wanted than just easy money. My magic had imprisoned me in a small office, behind a computer, all alone, doing work I didn't care about, and paying off debts. Not very exciting.
In hind sight, I've realized that none of the things I thought would make me happy, did. So what to do now? I know that Florida is not my home. Do I put out my intention to go back to California? Well, California is the place I've been the happiest, but I've lived there 14 years and I'm not sure that there is anything left for me to do there. Perhaps it's time to live somewhere else. I'm open. And I'm asking for a miracle to lead me home. Same thing with work. I know I like to write and speak, and I would do these even if I wasn't paid--which I am not in this moment. But am I suppose to have a speaking or writing career? I don't know. So again I am asking for a miracle to show me the work that God wants me to do. I don't want to micromanage God any more.
So I am expectantly waiting for an answer, for guidance to my home, my tribe, my work. Once something clicks in place then I am happy to start creating and let my linear brain figure out the details. But I refuse to let my linear brain make the big decisions for me. It is the servant, not the strategic planner. I place my future in the hands of God.
Many friends who know my circumstances--and of course anyone who reads my blog knows my "dire" circumstances--ask me, "Why don't you manifest what you want? You're such a good manifestor!" This is true. For years I lived what The Secret teaches. I could write down what kind of house I wanted, and magically it would appear. That's how I got my last corporate job. I wrote down everything I wanted in a job--great boss, good team, lots of money, easy, flexible hours--and I got all that. But surprisingly it didn't make me happy--at least not long term.
Three years down the road, when I was sitting in my office number crunching, feeling really bored and having no energy, I realized that the job I had asked for was not making me happy. When I discussed this with a fun loving friend, she looked at my list and said, "You didn't ask to have fun." No, I didn't. Nor had I asked to feel passionate about my work, to look forward to waking up in the morning and doing it, to be of service to awakening, to be inspired and inspiring. From my limited perspective I had created the "ideal" job, but as I evolved I realized that there was so much more I wanted than just easy money. My magic had imprisoned me in a small office, behind a computer, all alone, doing work I didn't care about, and paying off debts. Not very exciting.
In hind sight, I've realized that none of the things I thought would make me happy, did. So what to do now? I know that Florida is not my home. Do I put out my intention to go back to California? Well, California is the place I've been the happiest, but I've lived there 14 years and I'm not sure that there is anything left for me to do there. Perhaps it's time to live somewhere else. I'm open. And I'm asking for a miracle to lead me home. Same thing with work. I know I like to write and speak, and I would do these even if I wasn't paid--which I am not in this moment. But am I suppose to have a speaking or writing career? I don't know. So again I am asking for a miracle to show me the work that God wants me to do. I don't want to micromanage God any more.
So I am expectantly waiting for an answer, for guidance to my home, my tribe, my work. Once something clicks in place then I am happy to start creating and let my linear brain figure out the details. But I refuse to let my linear brain make the big decisions for me. It is the servant, not the strategic planner. I place my future in the hands of God.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The Light has come
I opened the Course in Miracles book at random this morning, and this is the lesson that showed up: The Light has come. Appropriate, I thought, for the 2012 new year. Funny I should think that, when twenty years ago I was sure the end of the world would happen in 2012. And it is happening, but not the way I thought.
Twenty years ago, when I first read all the dire prophecies for 2012--that the Mayan calendar ended and the end of the world would be upon us--I was terrified. At least, I thought to myself, I will have lived long enough. I was 38 and being 58 seemed quite old at the time. (Needless to say I feel a little bit different now.)
So what do I believe now about 2012? I believe that 2012 does mark the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. But that's not a bad thing. The old paradigm has not been working. All the systems--the educational, the political, the religious, the corporate--have been in place to enslave us. We've believed that we are living in a democracy, when in fact it is a plutocracy. Occupy Wall Street is an indication that we are all waking up to the fact that we have given our power away to money and the corporations. The end of this paradigm is not a bad thing.
I believe that the end of the world is showing up for all of us internally. We are all facing our greatest fears so that we can wake up from the nightmare. As more light is coming to the planet, the darkness--our fear, anger, and grief--is coming up to be released. It feels like hell while we are going through it, but we do come out on the other side with our masks torn off--more real, more vulnerable, more who we really are. This is a good thing.
So in this new year, rather than resolutions of what we think we need to fix, I invite you to put out intentions for your heart's desires. Don't even worry about how these intentions will be accomplished. These days I have been asking God (the Universe, whatever) questions rather than telling Him what I want. My questions, which I have been writing in the sand as I walk the Florida beaches, are:
Twenty years ago, when I first read all the dire prophecies for 2012--that the Mayan calendar ended and the end of the world would be upon us--I was terrified. At least, I thought to myself, I will have lived long enough. I was 38 and being 58 seemed quite old at the time. (Needless to say I feel a little bit different now.)
So what do I believe now about 2012? I believe that 2012 does mark the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. But that's not a bad thing. The old paradigm has not been working. All the systems--the educational, the political, the religious, the corporate--have been in place to enslave us. We've believed that we are living in a democracy, when in fact it is a plutocracy. Occupy Wall Street is an indication that we are all waking up to the fact that we have given our power away to money and the corporations. The end of this paradigm is not a bad thing.
I believe that the end of the world is showing up for all of us internally. We are all facing our greatest fears so that we can wake up from the nightmare. As more light is coming to the planet, the darkness--our fear, anger, and grief--is coming up to be released. It feels like hell while we are going through it, but we do come out on the other side with our masks torn off--more real, more vulnerable, more who we really are. This is a good thing.
So in this new year, rather than resolutions of what we think we need to fix, I invite you to put out intentions for your heart's desires. Don't even worry about how these intentions will be accomplished. These days I have been asking God (the Universe, whatever) questions rather than telling Him what I want. My questions, which I have been writing in the sand as I walk the Florida beaches, are:
- Where is my home?
- Where is my tribe?
- Where is my partner?
- What is my work?
The last question is the most important to me. My intention is that these questions be answered in 2012. What are your deepest questions?
Back to the Course in Miracles, the first paragraph of The Light has come states:
The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you where ever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.
Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. There are no dark dreams now. The light has come. Today the time of light begins for you and everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.
May this be true for all of us in 2012. Happy New Year!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
It's not enough to survive. I want happiness.
These are the words that my friend Kalli (Popi) Ladon says in the video that just aired yesterday:
Popi has been fighting cancer for several years and winning. She ignores the doctors who tell her she has only six months to live. (Who gives doctors the right to put an expiration date on her?) More than surviving cancer, she is thriving. She is doing the things she loves--dancing for one--and is now inspiring others to do the same. When we are healed, we are not healed alone, states the Course in Miracles. Popi's miraculous healing is helping other cancer patients go beyond the limitations of medicine to the miracles of God.
And of course Popi is not just inspiring cancer patients. She is inspiring me. She is inspiring those who have suffered severe loss, as well as those who are dying a slow death because they can't leave a job they hate that pays the bills, or a relationship that is no longer loving and joyful, but is safe.
Too long have we bought into the idea that we are put on Earth just to survive. As children of God, joy and love and peace and freedom are our inheritance. We are here on Earth to inspire each other, to use our talents to create a better world, to have abundance not just of material things, but abundance of time, of energy, of health, of friends, of community, of celebration.
So on this day of celebration, I celebrate my friend Popi who is a powerful warrior, a beautiful goddess, and a loving friend.
Merry Christmas!
Popi has been fighting cancer for several years and winning. She ignores the doctors who tell her she has only six months to live. (Who gives doctors the right to put an expiration date on her?) More than surviving cancer, she is thriving. She is doing the things she loves--dancing for one--and is now inspiring others to do the same. When we are healed, we are not healed alone, states the Course in Miracles. Popi's miraculous healing is helping other cancer patients go beyond the limitations of medicine to the miracles of God.
And of course Popi is not just inspiring cancer patients. She is inspiring me. She is inspiring those who have suffered severe loss, as well as those who are dying a slow death because they can't leave a job they hate that pays the bills, or a relationship that is no longer loving and joyful, but is safe.
Too long have we bought into the idea that we are put on Earth just to survive. As children of God, joy and love and peace and freedom are our inheritance. We are here on Earth to inspire each other, to use our talents to create a better world, to have abundance not just of material things, but abundance of time, of energy, of health, of friends, of community, of celebration.
So on this day of celebration, I celebrate my friend Popi who is a powerful warrior, a beautiful goddess, and a loving friend.
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Another perspective on depression
A few friends who read my last post commented that I was depressed and perhaps should see a therapist. I was a little surprised as I don't tend to see my state of mind as something that needs to be fixed, but rather as something that needs to be experienced so that it can heal. It seems to me that labeling something and coming up with a cure is the easy way out. It makes us think we know what's going on and that we're in control. So let me share my view on depression.
At the bottom of every ego lies a dark self-hatred, a feeling of unworthiness, and terror. Everyone has this unless they have actually done some serious spiritual/healing work. This is the human condition. Of course most of don't experience the intensity of it. Instead of stark terror, we feel worried. Instead of hatred, we feel a mild dislike. Instead of deep rage we feel frustration. We keep things at a superficial level so that we can feel comfortable and so that we can remain functional.
So rather than feel and heal the darkness within, we stay very busy--running constantly so that perhaps death won't catch up with us. Or we take medication such as prozac so that we can feel OK and continue to function. All we're doing is suppressing the feelings that are there. Rather than heal the source of the depression, we heal the symptoms. Or those of us who don't suppress the dark feelings wallow in them and become the victim. Oh, woe is me! We may go to a therapist and analyze our feelings to death, blaming our parents. But that isn't really experiencing the feeling either. And the darkness continues to run underneath, allowing us to go about our day, with just a slight feeling of uneasiness, that something is wrong.
There is another way. It's to allow the feelings to come up without labeling them, without making them wrong, without talking about them, without suppressing them. Just sit and feel these uncomfortable feelings of fear, of anger, of unworthiness. They are coming up to be healed. They won't kill you, and they won't last forever. Usually a few days will do it. And then they shift into something else and are released. At which point there is more clarity.
At least that's my take on how to handle feelings of depression. Allow them to move through you without judgment. At some point the light will return.
At the bottom of every ego lies a dark self-hatred, a feeling of unworthiness, and terror. Everyone has this unless they have actually done some serious spiritual/healing work. This is the human condition. Of course most of don't experience the intensity of it. Instead of stark terror, we feel worried. Instead of hatred, we feel a mild dislike. Instead of deep rage we feel frustration. We keep things at a superficial level so that we can feel comfortable and so that we can remain functional.
So rather than feel and heal the darkness within, we stay very busy--running constantly so that perhaps death won't catch up with us. Or we take medication such as prozac so that we can feel OK and continue to function. All we're doing is suppressing the feelings that are there. Rather than heal the source of the depression, we heal the symptoms. Or those of us who don't suppress the dark feelings wallow in them and become the victim. Oh, woe is me! We may go to a therapist and analyze our feelings to death, blaming our parents. But that isn't really experiencing the feeling either. And the darkness continues to run underneath, allowing us to go about our day, with just a slight feeling of uneasiness, that something is wrong.
There is another way. It's to allow the feelings to come up without labeling them, without making them wrong, without talking about them, without suppressing them. Just sit and feel these uncomfortable feelings of fear, of anger, of unworthiness. They are coming up to be healed. They won't kill you, and they won't last forever. Usually a few days will do it. And then they shift into something else and are released. At which point there is more clarity.
At least that's my take on how to handle feelings of depression. Allow them to move through you without judgment. At some point the light will return.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
How can a path that lacks joy lead to joy?
I know it's been almost two months since I wrote in my blog. Frankly I was in such intense processing, feeling so disoriented and out of touch, that I had nothing to share. I've been in a nightmare of unhappiness not just in the last couple of months, but since my birthday in May. As I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I remember making one simple wish: I want to be happy. What has followed is six months of deep unhappiness.
Be careful what you ask for. It seems that I needed to see all the beliefs that I hold that prevent me from being happy. The couple of months I spent in one house share showed me how I believed that I had no value as a human being if I had no money. It took being emotionally abused to break through this belief that was causing so much suffering. When I realized how I was betraying myself, a miracle happened and I got to move. But I can't say that situation was a happy one. Nor has my stay in Florida been happy, despite my mother's generous welcome. I don't belong here. I can't breathe here. It feels like a dead end. Then why was I brought here?
A few days ago I realized that I had a belief that awakening could only happen through suffering and loss. This belief did not come from my Christian roots but from advaita. "The path to enlightenment is a path of loss", I heard my spiritual teacher say. "You have to meet death, meet the emptiness." After all, that's how Ramana Maharshi woke up, by being terrified of death and meeting it.
It seems that I have gotten very good at loss and getting to a point where my life is so miserable that it feels like death. But reaching that point isn't waking me up; it's just making me miserable, out of touch with the world, and hoping to die to escape. The Course in Miracles tells me that God's will for me is perfect happiness. So God hasn't been doing this to me, I've been doing this to myself unconsciously. God forbid that I am happy, that I have a partner, that I celebrate with friends, that I have work I love, that I have abundance. If I'm so happy in this life I won't wake up. Really? The Course in Miracles says that God comes to wake us up after the nightmare has become a happy dream.
Well, if this world is a dream, then I am ready for a happy dream. I am putting aside all thoughts of awakening, as they are just concepts. I don't know how it feels to be awake. But I do know how it feels to be happy. And I am so ready to be happy. I share God's will for happiness for me. And I choose life. Bring it on!
Be careful what you ask for. It seems that I needed to see all the beliefs that I hold that prevent me from being happy. The couple of months I spent in one house share showed me how I believed that I had no value as a human being if I had no money. It took being emotionally abused to break through this belief that was causing so much suffering. When I realized how I was betraying myself, a miracle happened and I got to move. But I can't say that situation was a happy one. Nor has my stay in Florida been happy, despite my mother's generous welcome. I don't belong here. I can't breathe here. It feels like a dead end. Then why was I brought here?
A few days ago I realized that I had a belief that awakening could only happen through suffering and loss. This belief did not come from my Christian roots but from advaita. "The path to enlightenment is a path of loss", I heard my spiritual teacher say. "You have to meet death, meet the emptiness." After all, that's how Ramana Maharshi woke up, by being terrified of death and meeting it.
It seems that I have gotten very good at loss and getting to a point where my life is so miserable that it feels like death. But reaching that point isn't waking me up; it's just making me miserable, out of touch with the world, and hoping to die to escape. The Course in Miracles tells me that God's will for me is perfect happiness. So God hasn't been doing this to me, I've been doing this to myself unconsciously. God forbid that I am happy, that I have a partner, that I celebrate with friends, that I have work I love, that I have abundance. If I'm so happy in this life I won't wake up. Really? The Course in Miracles says that God comes to wake us up after the nightmare has become a happy dream.
Well, if this world is a dream, then I am ready for a happy dream. I am putting aside all thoughts of awakening, as they are just concepts. I don't know how it feels to be awake. But I do know how it feels to be happy. And I am so ready to be happy. I share God's will for happiness for me. And I choose life. Bring it on!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Greetings from Florida. Moving towards Wholeness.
This is probably the longest lapse between posts. Please forgive me as I've been very busy moving, and settling in Florida. I wasn't sure if I could even write from here, as I wasn't feeling inspired to say anything. But today I woke up feeling clear and thought I'd reconnect.
Although I've been supported in this move, I can't say that I haven't had challenges. Flying with two cats was intense. My shoulders hurt for days from carrying Max, who weighs a good 14 pounds, and Bradley who, thank God, only weighs about 8 pounds--along with my big bag, my computer, my jacket, and a 6 pound bag of cat food. Then, going through security, I was asked to take both cats out of the carry case, and carry them through in my arms. "You've got to be kidding," I said, " I can't physically carry both cats without dropping one of the poor stressed animals who would be fighting to escape." After several minutes of consultation with the manager, the security person allowed me to take one cat out of the carry case at a time, and come back for the other one. Whew! Sanity prevailed.
When I finally arrived at Orlando at 10:30 pm, I found that I couldn't rent the car I reserved to drive the hour-and-a-half to my mom's house. I had enough money in my debit card to pay for the rental, but not enough to pay for the extra $200 I was going to be temporarily charged because I was using a debit card, and not a credit card. After several calls to my mother and sister I finally got in a taxi, and I was at my mom's by around 1 am.
It seems that no matter how much I am supported in a large transition, there is an intense passage at some point, similar to going through the birth canal.
It's taken me a week to recover from the physical and mental exhaustion of the past five months: moving with my cats to three different places, not feeling wanted at two of those places, stressing about lack of money and how to pay the few bills that I have, banging at closed doors that wouldn't open. Finally welcomed with my cats, I have allowed myself to collapse and sleep all I want, without concern about what I am here to do. But this morning I finally woke up feeling kind of happy, or at least looking forward to this adventure.
I don't know exactly why I am here, apart from finding relief from financial lack. However, based on the last week, I can say that some of the reasons that I am here may be:
Although I've been supported in this move, I can't say that I haven't had challenges. Flying with two cats was intense. My shoulders hurt for days from carrying Max, who weighs a good 14 pounds, and Bradley who, thank God, only weighs about 8 pounds--along with my big bag, my computer, my jacket, and a 6 pound bag of cat food. Then, going through security, I was asked to take both cats out of the carry case, and carry them through in my arms. "You've got to be kidding," I said, " I can't physically carry both cats without dropping one of the poor stressed animals who would be fighting to escape." After several minutes of consultation with the manager, the security person allowed me to take one cat out of the carry case at a time, and come back for the other one. Whew! Sanity prevailed.
When I finally arrived at Orlando at 10:30 pm, I found that I couldn't rent the car I reserved to drive the hour-and-a-half to my mom's house. I had enough money in my debit card to pay for the rental, but not enough to pay for the extra $200 I was going to be temporarily charged because I was using a debit card, and not a credit card. After several calls to my mother and sister I finally got in a taxi, and I was at my mom's by around 1 am.
It seems that no matter how much I am supported in a large transition, there is an intense passage at some point, similar to going through the birth canal.
It's taken me a week to recover from the physical and mental exhaustion of the past five months: moving with my cats to three different places, not feeling wanted at two of those places, stressing about lack of money and how to pay the few bills that I have, banging at closed doors that wouldn't open. Finally welcomed with my cats, I have allowed myself to collapse and sleep all I want, without concern about what I am here to do. But this morning I finally woke up feeling kind of happy, or at least looking forward to this adventure.
I don't know exactly why I am here, apart from finding relief from financial lack. However, based on the last week, I can say that some of the reasons that I am here may be:
- to spend time with my mom and reconnect with my ancestors by hearing stories of my family.
- to connect with my mom and family, in simple ways. I learned to play a card game that my aunt and mom play in the evenings, and after one day was able to beat them. Not everything in life has to be spiritual, I am finding out.
- to get another perspective from the one I've had for 14 years, since I moved to California. At the Center for Spiritual Living I heard Reverend Edward--a man whose funny and humble talks nourish me--say that to be whole we need to allow all perspectives, not just the ones that we agree with.
- to loosen up from my holier-than-thou spiritual attitude that I've acquired since moving to California. I suppose that this attitude was a better one than the more-successful-than-thou material attitude I had in New York. But ultimately both attitudes serve separation and not oneness.
- to learn to receive with grace. My mother loves to give and I have, in the past, repeatedly dismissed her gifts.
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