Coming back to life

Again, it's been about half a year since I've written in my blog. I wasn't sure that I would write again. I'm still not sure. But for the first time in months I feel like writing as I am starting to feel passionate again about life.

I haven't been unhappy these last few months, but I haven't been very joyful either. I've been feeling that everything is happening as it should be, and "All things are lessons God would have me learn." So when money issues show up, I just deal with them and with my fears. It takes more and more to scare me these days. I am more peaceful, kinder, and more accepting of what is. This is all good. But in the last couple of weeks I feel as if a part of me--a very passionate, joyful, feminine part--is waking up after a long sleep (or shall I say coma?)

It started when I heard myself singing in the bathroom. I was surprised and couldn't remember the last time I sang. I did remember that I use to sing when I was really happy. So when was the last time I was really happy? I've been so serious. Money problems and survival issues put me in a serious mode. My spiritual path has also been serious. (Yes, yes, people are pissing me off and I need to forgive them. But where's the fun in that?) I've been tutoring students who are afraid of math; that's kind of serious. And I've been volunteering to spend time with older people, who discuss their aches and pains and health issues. Don't get me wrong. This is all worth while, and I love the people who are in my life. But where is the fun? Where is the laughter? Where is the passion?

Thankfully, it's showing up. Last week friends arrived from the Bay Area and we went to Mt. Shasta. On the ride home I found myself laughing so hard my stomach was hurting. Enough with being serene. That laugh felt better than anything I have felt in a long time. A man showed up to whom I am actually attracted. I was wondering if that was still possible for me, and to my relief and joy, I find that it is. Along with this revelation comes longing and desire. Oh no, bad! I shouldn't have longings and desires, I find myself thinking. Well, who says? I ask myself. This longing may be a bit scary but it feels alive. Coincidentally--as if there are coicidences--I just came across a poem by David Whyte called Longing which is just what I needed to read. Not some Zen koan about eliminating my desires.

So excitement about all the possibilities that the future holds is showing up for me. And yes, this is about the future, but I am feeling passionate and alive in the present. The world has gone from gray to full living color and I am glad about that.

From the Christ Mind

It's been about half a year since I last wrote in this blog. My life has improved dramatically. I am happily back in California and like where I am living. I have enough work, enough time, and money doesn't seem to concern me these days. All in all, I can say that I don't have any problems, because I am following a guidance that is wiser than my own. A Course in Miracles has transformed my life, and I am grateful that I was able to give something back.

I spent the summer working on a book that has just been published. From the Christ Mind, by Darrell Morley Price, is a kind of later day supplement to A Course in Miracles. For students of the Course, this book contains some additional explanation to some of the main ideas of the Course, along with some material not found in the Course reminiscent of Advaita Vedanta and Buddhism. For those who have not studied the Course, From the Christ Mind offers a clear summary of its basic ideas and a transmission that is very similar to that of the Course, and may inspire people to work with the Course.

Darrell Price has been a student of A Course in Miracles since 1984. He scribed this book, receiving it from the Mind of Jesus and writing it down as he received it. Not being computer savvy, he asked Jesus how he was going to get this book typed and edited. Jesus told him that He would find him the perfect person for the job. I had the honor of being that person, the one who typed and did some minor editing on the book. Synchronicity led me to Chico where I spent the summer working with Darrell. The experience was magical, or rather miraculous. Light filled the room as Darrell read the words to me. At times my computer started sparking. Time stood still or sped up, making four hours seem like one.

I am very grateful to have participated in the creation of this book, and hope that you will find it to be a light guiding you Home, as I have.

To order it please send a check for $14.95 ($11.95 plus $3 S&H) to Darrell Price, PO Box 4123 Chico, CA 95927

Take a leap of faith and God will catch you

I haven't written while I've been staying in California. I was too busy joyfully participating in life. I took a leap of faith and went to Marin County for six weeks, even though I barely had enough money for gas and food for a few weeks. And as always happens, I was totally supported.

Despite the fact that I was strapped for money, I decided to have a session with my network chiropractor. My logic told me that it didn't make sense to spend the money, but my heart (gut) told me to go. I was slightly amazed when Dr. Laura told me that her receptionist had just quit, and asked me if I wanted to work for her a couple of mornings a week. The money was minimal but it would cover food and gas; and I would get my treatments for free. Not to mention that I believe in her work and enjoy meeting with the people who come to her office. Yes! Of course I wanted to work for her.

Then I visited my friend who creates wonderful skin care products. She was planning an event and asked if I would consider helping her. Again the money was minimal by my old standards, but it definitely helped, and I was given all the skin care products I needed. Woo hoo!

Then a college student showed up who needed tutoring in algebra. Then a book showed up to edit. Invitations kept coming to me, and I kept saying "yes!" As a result more invitations kept coming to which I could say yes. This was very different from my old way of being, which was a tendency to say "no" so that I could keep my boundaries. Eight months of being isolated in Florida cured me from my need for isolation. A new person had returned to California, who was joyfully participating in life.

But looming in the background was the fact that I needed to return to Florida on July 31. How would I be able to move to California permanently? With one week to go, I found myself talking to God: "You have one week to move me back here! There is no way I am staying in Florida." And God's response caused me to laugh: "I created the world in one week. You think I can't move you back to California in one week?"

Sure enough, He moved me back. I won't go into all the miracles that happened but I am moving in two days, with my cats, home. For months I had been asking, "Where is my home? Where is my tribe?" and the answer has come. It took a tribe to move me back home, and I am grateful and happy.

God's will for me is perfect happiness, indeed!

Navigating in life without a map

A friend called me yesterday in turmoil. Like me, the old way of doing things is not working for her. Like me, in the past she knew what she wanted, put out her intent, and then manifested her desires. Like me, she finds that she doesn't really know what she wants these days. She'll think she wants something, and then finds that it fizzles out when she pursues it because she lacks passion. Like me, she is no longer able to push herself to do something that isn't inspiring to her.

I imagine that quite a few people are experiencing life like this. It's becoming more and more obvious that we are not in control. In fact, we were never in control, but we thought we were. In fact, most things that we created--relationships, jobs, etc.--did not lead to happiness. And we are no longer willing to spin our wheels to create something unless it will lead to our version of happiness.

So what to do, when we find ourselves in a new world, and the old maps no longer work? Well, for one thing, we can pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for God's grace. Pray for happiness. Pray for miracles.

Micromanaging God doesn't work, but we can still ask for what we want if the desire is a deep one. So while I don't feel that I can ask for a specific job, a specific home in the Bay Area, a specific relationship, a writing or speaking career, I can ask for the basics: happiness, freedom, love. I can even take my desires up a notch: I desire to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day; I desire to live in a place that feels like Home; I desire to have work that I enjoy and that takes care of my needs; I desire to live amongst my tribe; I desire a joyful partnership with a man.

Joyful participation in life, has become my mantra. I want to participate. And slowly I am finding myself in circumstances where I am participating and feeling happy. I am in California right now, after more than seven months in Florida; this feels like home. I am surrounded by friends who feel like my tribe. And work is showing up that is enjoyable as it involves something I believe in and working with people who are friends.

While I can't see the big picture, I am trusting that it is all being taken care of. I don't have any other option living so close to the edge. I can trust in a God that loves me Who is delivering me to a Heaven on Earth. Or I can place my faith in the world that tells me that I need to take control and make things happen, that I have to fight for what I want, that someone has to lose for me to win. Happiness or suffering, is my choice and it depends on where I place my faith.

In other words I can be host to God or hostage to the ego.

Doesn't seem like much of a choice to me.

Letting go of the idea that we need a vision

It's been months since I last wrote in my blog. The main reason is that I like to write in my blog when I have some clarity, and I haven't felt clear for a long time. Instead I have been in some deep, dark vortex--a place very close to what I imagine death is--and I have only been able to come up for air once in a while. I have had no answers, not for me, not for anyone else. All I have had are a lot of questions: What am I suppose to be doing? Do I have a purpose? How can I earn a living? Where is my home? Where do I belong? How can I be happy?

I haven't had a clue as to what the answers to these questions are. And most of my misery has been because I have had the belief that at this stage of my life--at my age and with all the spiritual work I've done--that I should have a vision. I should know what I want to create, I should set my intention, and I should be able to create it. I should have known that there was something off with this belief because it was making me so unhappy.

Today I learned that we have it backwards. Through Leslie Temple-Thurson (http://www.corelight.org), a spiritual teacher whom I respect, I learned about Lena Stevens's forecasts (www.thepowerpath.com). What she says is that the idea of having a vision first, then setting an intention, and then creating something, is backwards. It is putting the masculine (vision) ahead of the feminine (creativity.) Instead we need to allow ourselves to experience the void and let go of trying to control the chaos that we are in, which is rooted in the fear of the feminine. When we can hold creativity without form, the vision will come in its own time.

Woo hoo! This is one of the answers I've been waiting for. What I am wanting to manifest in my life is an unprecedented way of being, a life of happiness. I don't know how to envision this, as everything I thought would bring me happiness so far has brought me pain. So how can I be expected to create something that is beyond anything I've experienced or even imagined? I can't. All I can do is stay with the not-knowing and follow that which inspires me. If nothing inspires me, I do nothing. Eventually the chaos will start morphing into something wonderful, and then I will know what to do. And it will be a joyful experience.

So the challenge this month, according to Lena Stevens, is being comfortable with lacking purpose and not knowing what to do. And the opportunity is letting go of really old baggage and manifesting unimaginable miracles. I am just beginning to see the swirls of energy creating something that I didn't expect. And I am seeing the light after all the darkness. And I am beginning to remember what it feels like to be truly happy

Intense times for those of us born around 1953: Second Saturn Return

I know it's been a couple of months since I've written. Lately I've been debating deleting this blog, or at least deleting all the posts up to this point and starting fresh. Much of what I wrote a couple of years ago--or even six months ago--isn't representative of who I am now. Intense self-inquiry and processing has caused some major shifts in my way of being. For one I don't feel as passionate about my beliefs. Beliefs keep changing; they keep being upgraded just like software. Ultimately all beliefs are limiting, but our computers need some kind of software to run.

In meditation last week, I asked why I've been doing such intense processing this last year. I mean, for a few decades now I've processed up the wazoo and have had several dark nights of the soul. But this last year--especially these last five months--have taken the cake. The answer that popped into my head was: You're going through a Second Saturn Return.

Oh, right. I remembered that Saturn Returns happen every 29 years. I'm 58 now, so that makes sense. When I started googling "Second Saturn Return" most of the information was very depressing. Apparently a lot of people die around 58-60 years old, if they don't pass this test. And if you flunked your first Saturn Return then you're in deep trouble by the time the second one comes around.

Well, after I freaked out for a while, I realized that this Second Saturn Return was a good thing. This passage marks the time of becoming a true elder, someone who has wisdom and can offer guidance to others. Well, that's what I've wanted to do for a long time, but it seems I wasn't ready. This time-out in Florida was Saturn's way of getting me to come back to my family and process some serious childhood issues that I wasn't even aware of. How can you be an elder when a raging five-year old is sabotaging you?

When Saturn returns a second time, you are being called to a new life. The first Saturn Return at 29 years of age, marked the beginning of being an adult. It was a challenging time for me. I went through my first divorce, moved to Manhattan, met my second husband, and got my first direct marketing job. All these intense changes set the stage for my being in the world, and succeeding in creating the material life I wanted at the time.

Now Saturn is returning to say that what I've done the last 30 years will no longer work. I'm being called to start offering my true gifts, not the marketable skills that I acquired along the way. When the time-out is over, there will be a new harvest--a life worth living. Already I feel the energy starting to move.

This Second Saturn Return is a generational thing. Everyone who was born around the time I was, is going through it. If you want to see if you're in it, there is a calculator: http://www.astrocal.co.uk/saturn-return.htm . If you're in it, the bad news is that you're going to be uncomfortable. But the good news is that this passage has an end to it, and it is calling you to a happier life.

The difference between heaven and hell: A shift in perspective

A while ago I wrote that I was waiting for God to give me guidance before I did anything. I wasn't about to do something just to feel that I was in control and being active. I received a comment on that post, saying that I needed to look within, to take responsibility, to follow my passions. While I agree with this comment, it leads me to believe that I was misunderstood--or wasn't expressing myself clearly.

When I say that I am waiting for God to guide me--or waiting for a miracle--what I am really saying is that I'm waiting for a shift in my perspective. That is the miracle. And guidance from God may come from a thought that gives me joy, as it did recently.

A few weeks ago I was awake at 2 am and thought to myself that I could take my favorite posts from this blog (I've been writing after all for a few years) and group them together according to topic: Health, Work, Relationships, Friendships, etc. Then I could write before each section how my thinking had evolved. For example I have gone from believing in manifesting to believing in miracles. I have gone from being angry at men to honoring them.

Well, as soon as I thought of doing this, I felt excitement. Something inside me was jumping up and down from joy. I was looking forward to starting this project. And so I did. I actually have completed it, which is part of the reason I haven't written in a while.

I have since learned about writing query letters and sending them to literary agents. I am about to start writing a book proposal. While I don't know what will come of this, I now am doing something that makes me happy. I am using my God given talents to offer something more than this blog to the world. And I am no longer focusing on not having money, or on all the things that are happening in my life that I don't like. Instead I am focusing on what I want to create: a book that will be published and a speaking career that will support others on their life's journey.

As I am doing this, the whole world around me is shifting. My relationships are improving. I feel a sense of abundance. New opportunities are coming into my life, such as the possibility of speaking at an event. The miracle is a shift in my perspective--from feeling poor and needy to feeling that I have something to offer to support others. And this shift in perspective is the difference between heaven and hell.

No such thing as happily ever after

There is no such thing as happily ever after. I don't mean this in a bad way. This is a good thing. Happiness isn't stagnant. It's not a destination, it's a journey. We don't reach happiness and then stop. Rather we reach the highest level of happiness that we are capable of reaching at any given point of time--given our beliefs and our past experiences. Then, as we evolve, we become capable of an even higher level of happiness. While this is a good thing, reaching a new level of happiness is uncomfortable because the old life has to be dismantled first, before the new life can begin. And usually dismantling is a painful process as we see the loss, but we do not see what is coming in.

I realized today as I was re-reading my book, Not a Guru, that I wasn't lying three years ago when I said that I was happy. I was happy at the time. I had a job that offered me everything that I had asked for. But after a while I became ready for a new level of happiness. I didn't just want a job that was easy and lucrative, working with people I liked. I wanted a job that I was passionate about, where I was inspired and inspiring, that was in service of a better world. I wanted to wake up and look forward to my day. And the old job went away not for economic reasons, as it would appear. It went away because I was asking for something more.

So what is coming into my life? It looks like I will have a speaking gig through the hospice where I have been volunteering. The head of the volunteers, whom I adore, wants to approach corporate clients and is offering me an opportunity to speak to them. She is giving me carte blanche to speak on anything I want. Hurray!

I've also been called to put together a new book from my favorite posts, along with narrative on the evolution over the three years that I have been writing here. I have to say that it's looking pretty good, and I have spent the last few days learning to write query letters and emailing literary agents. Regardless of what comes out of this, I feel good. The creative energy is flowing and despite the fact that nothing outside has changed in my life, I feel happy.

Magic imprisons but the laws of God make free

Magic imprisons, but the laws of God make free. This was a sentence in my Course in Miracles lesson today that really spoke to me. It also relates to a conversation that Shandi and I had in the comments section of my last post. So I thought I'd expand on it, partly to make it more clear to myself.

Many friends who know my circumstances--and of course anyone who reads my blog knows my "dire" circumstances--ask me, "Why don't you manifest what you want? You're such a good manifestor!" This is true. For years I lived what The Secret teaches. I could write down what kind of house I wanted, and magically it would appear. That's how I got my last corporate job. I wrote down everything I wanted in a job--great boss, good team, lots of money, easy, flexible hours--and I got all that. But surprisingly it didn't make me happy--at least not long term.

Three years down the road, when I was sitting in my office number crunching, feeling really bored and having no energy, I realized that the job I had asked for was not making me happy. When I discussed this with a fun loving friend, she looked at my list and said, "You didn't ask to have fun." No, I didn't. Nor had I asked to feel passionate about my work, to look forward to waking up in the morning and doing it, to be of service to awakening, to be inspired and inspiring. From my limited perspective I had created the "ideal" job, but as I evolved I realized that there was so much more I wanted than just easy money. My magic had imprisoned me in a small office, behind a computer, all alone, doing work I didn't care about, and paying off debts. Not very exciting.

In hind sight, I've realized that none of the things I thought would make me happy, did. So what to do now? I know that Florida is not my home. Do I put out my intention to go back to California? Well, California is the place I've been the happiest, but I've lived there 14 years and I'm not sure that there is anything left for me to do there. Perhaps it's time to live somewhere else. I'm open. And I'm asking for a miracle to lead me home. Same thing with work. I know I like to write and speak, and I would do these even if I wasn't paid--which I am not in this moment. But am I suppose to have a speaking or writing career? I don't know. So again I am asking for a miracle to show me the work that God wants me to do. I don't want to micromanage God any more.

So I am expectantly waiting for an answer, for guidance to my home, my tribe, my work. Once something clicks in place then I am happy to start creating and let my linear brain figure out the details. But I refuse to let my linear brain make the big decisions for me. It is the servant, not the strategic planner. I place my future in the hands of God.

The Light has come

I opened the Course in Miracles book at random this morning, and this is the lesson that showed up: The Light has come. Appropriate, I thought, for the 2012 new year. Funny I should think that, when twenty years ago I was sure the end of the world would happen in 2012. And it is happening, but not the way I thought.

Twenty years ago, when I first read all the dire prophecies for 2012--that the Mayan calendar ended and the end of the world would be upon us--I was terrified. At least, I thought to myself, I will have lived long enough. I was 38 and being 58 seemed quite old at the time. (Needless to say I feel a little bit different now.)

So what do I believe now about 2012? I believe that 2012 does mark the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. But that's not a bad thing. The old paradigm has not been working. All the systems--the educational, the political, the religious, the corporate--have been in place to enslave us. We've believed that we are living in a democracy, when in fact it is a plutocracy. Occupy Wall Street is an indication that we are all waking up to the fact that we have given our power away to money and the corporations. The end of this paradigm is not a bad thing.

I believe that the end of the world is showing up for all of us internally. We are all facing our greatest fears so that we can wake up from the nightmare. As more light is coming to the planet, the darkness--our fear, anger, and grief--is coming up to be released. It feels like hell while we are going through it, but we do come out on the other side with our masks torn off--more real, more vulnerable, more who we really are. This is a good thing.

So in this new year, rather than resolutions of what we think we need to fix, I invite you to put out intentions for your heart's desires. Don't even worry about how these intentions will be accomplished. These days I have been asking God (the Universe, whatever) questions rather than telling Him what I want. My questions, which I have been writing in the sand as I walk the Florida beaches, are:

1. Where is my home?
2. Where is my tribe?
3. Where is my partner?
4. What is my work?

The last question is the most important to me. My intention is that these questions be answered in 2012. What are your deepest questions?

Back to the Course in Miracles, the first paragraph of The Light has come states:

The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you where ever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.

Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. There are no dark dreams now. The light has come. Today the time of light begins for you and everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.

May this be true for all of us in 2012. Happy New Year!

It's not enough to survive. I want happiness.

These are the words that my friend Kalli (Popi) Ladon says in the video that just aired yesterday:

http://www.wkyc.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1345806500001&odyssey=mod|newswell|text|FRONTPAGE|featured

Popi has been fighting cancer for several years and winning. She ignores the doctors who tell her she has only six months to live. (Who gives doctors the right to put an expiration date on her?) More than surviving cancer, she is thriving. She is doing the things she loves--dancing for one--and is now inspiring others to do the same. When we are healed, we are not healed alone, states the Course in Miracles. Popi's miraculous healing is helping other cancer patients go beyond the limitations of medicine to the miracles of God.

And of course Popi is not just inspiring cancer patients. She is inspiring me. She is inspiring those who have suffered severe loss, as well as those who are dying a slow death because they can't leave a job they hate that pays the bills, or a relationship that is no longer loving and joyful, but is safe.

Too long have we bought into the idea that we are put on Earth just to survive. As children of God, joy and love and peace and freedom are our inheritance. We are here on Earth to inspire each other, to use our talents to create a better world, to have abundance not just of material things, but abundance of time, of energy, of health, of friends, of community, of celebration.

So on this day of celebration, I celebrate my friend Popi who is a powerful warrior, a beautiful goddess, and a loving friend.

Merry Christmas!

Another perspective on depression

A few friends who read my last post commented that I was depressed and perhaps should see a therapist. I was a little surprised as I don't tend to see my state of mind as something that needs to be fixed, but rather as something that needs to be experienced so that it can heal. It seems to me that labeling something and coming up with a cure is the easy way out. It makes us think we know what's going on and that we're in control. So let me share my view on depression.

At the bottom of every ego lies a dark self-hatred, a feeling of unworthiness, and terror. Everyone has this unless they have actually done some serious spiritual/healing work. This is the human condition. Of course most of don't experience the intensity of it. Instead of stark terror, we feel worried. Instead of hatred, we feel a mild dislike. Instead of deep rage we feel frustration. We keep things at a superficial level so that we can feel comfortable and so that we can remain functional.

So rather than feel and heal the darkness within, we stay very busy--running constantly so that perhaps death won't catch up with us. Or we take medication such as prozac so that we can feel OK and continue to function. All we're doing is suppressing the feelings that are there. Rather than heal the source of the depression, we heal the symptoms. Or those of us who don't suppress the dark feelings wallow in them and become the victim. Oh, woe is me! We may go to a therapist and analyze our feelings to death, blaming our parents. But that isn't really experiencing the feeling either. And the darkness continues to run underneath, allowing us to go about our day, with just a slight feeling of uneasiness, that something is wrong.

There is another way. It's to allow the feelings to come up without labeling them, without making them wrong, without talking about them, without suppressing them. Just sit and feel these uncomfortable feelings of fear, of anger, of unworthiness. They are coming up to be healed. They won't kill you, and they won't last forever. Usually a few days will do it. And then they shift into something else and are released. At which point there is more clarity.

At least that's my take on how to handle feelings of depression. Allow them to move through you without judgment. At some point the light will return.

How can a path that lacks joy lead to joy?

I know it's been almost two months since I wrote in my blog. Frankly I was in such intense processing, feeling so disoriented and out of touch, that I had nothing to share. I've been in a nightmare of unhappiness not just in the last couple of months, but since my birthday in May. As I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I remember making one simple wish: I want to be happy. What has followed is six months of deep unhappiness.

Be careful what you ask for. It seems that I needed to see all the beliefs that I hold that prevent me from being happy. The couple of months I spent in one house share showed me how I believed that I had no value as a human being if I had no money. It took being emotionally abused to break through this belief that was causing so much suffering. When I realized how I was betraying myself, a miracle happened and I got to move. But I can't say that situation was a happy one. Nor has my stay in Florida been happy, despite my mother's generous welcome. I don't belong here. I can't breathe here. It feels like a dead end. Then why was I brought here?

A few days ago I realized that I had a belief that awakening could only happen through suffering and loss. This belief did not come from my Christian roots but from advaita. "The path to enlightenment is a path of loss", I heard my spiritual teacher say. "You have to meet death, meet the emptiness." After all, that's how Ramana Maharshi woke up, by being terrified of death and meeting it.

It seems that I have gotten very good at loss and getting to a point where my life is so miserable that it feels like death. But reaching that point isn't waking me up; it's just making me miserable, out of touch with the world, and hoping to die to escape. The Course in Miracles tells me that God's will for me is perfect happiness. So God hasn't been doing this to me, I've been doing this to myself unconsciously. God forbid that I am happy, that I have a partner, that I celebrate with friends, that I have work I love, that I have abundance. If I'm so happy in this life I won't wake up. Really? The Course in Miracles says that God comes to wake us up after the nightmare has become a happy dream.

Well, if this world is a dream, then I am ready for a happy dream. I am putting aside all thoughts of awakening, as they are just concepts. I don't know how it feels to be awake. But I do know how it feels to be happy. And I am so ready to be happy. I share God's will for happiness for me. And I choose life. Bring it on!

Greetings from Florida. Moving towards Wholeness.

This is probably the longest lapse between posts. Please forgive me as I've been very busy moving, and settling in Florida. I wasn't sure if I could even write from here, as I wasn't feeling inspired to say anything. But today I woke up feeling clear and thought I'd reconnect.

Although I've been supported in this move, I can't say that I haven't had challenges. Flying with two cats was intense. My shoulders hurt for days from carrying Max, who weighs a good 14 pounds, and Bradley who, thank God, only weighs about 8 pounds--along with my big bag, my computer, my jacket, and a 6 pound bag of cat food. Then, going through security, I was asked to take both cats out of the carry case, and carry them through in my arms. "You've got to be kidding," I said, " I can't physically carry both cats without dropping one of the poor stressed animals who would be fighting to escape." After several minutes of consultation with the manager, the security person allowed me to take one cat out of the carry case at a time, and come back for the other one. Whew! Sanity prevailed.

When I finally arrived at Orlando at 10:30 pm, I found that I couldn't rent the car I reserved to drive the hour-and-a-half to my mom's house. I had enough money in my debit card to pay for the rental, but not enough to pay for the extra $200 I was going to be temporarily charged because I was using a debit card, and not a credit card. After several calls to my mother and sister I finally got in a taxi, and I was at my mom's by around 1 am.

It seems that no matter how much I am supported in a large transition, there is an intense passage at some point, similar to going through the birth canal.

It's taken me a week to recover from the physical and mental exhaustion of the past five months: moving with my cats to three different places, not feeling wanted at two of those places, stressing about lack of money and how to pay the few bills that I have, banging at closed doors that wouldn't open. Finally welcomed with my cats, I have allowed myself to collapse and sleep all I want, without concern about what I am here to do. But this morning I finally woke up feeling kind of happy, or at least looking forward to this adventure.

I don't know exactly why I am here, apart from finding relief from financial lack. However, based on the last week, I can say that some of the reasons that I am here may be:

• to spend time with my mom and reconnect with my ancestors by hearing stories of my family.
• to connect with my mom and family, in simple ways. I learned to play a card game that my aunt and mom play in the evenings, and after one day was able to beat them. Not everything in life has to be spiritual, I am finding out.
• to get another perspective from the one I've had for 14 years, since I moved to California. At the Center for Spiritual Living I heard Reverend Edward--a man whose funny and humble talks nourish me--say that to be whole we need to allow all perspectives, not just the ones that we agree with.
• to loosen up from my holier-than-thou spiritual attitude that I've acquired since moving to California. I suppose that this attitude was a better one than the more-successful-than-thou material attitude I had in New York. But ultimately both attitudes serve separation and not oneness.
• to learn to receive with grace. My mother loves to give and I have, in the past, repeatedly dismissed her gifts.

A friend asked me a few weeks ago, why I wasn't willing to get a full-time job given my financial situation. The answer is that I am letting my feelings of joy guide my decisions, rather than my fear of survival. Just reading a job description for a full-time corporate job makes my stomach turn. By not over riding this clear message, I find myself where God intends me to be. And I can see the perfection in that.

Letting go of control and allowing miracles to happen

I apologize for not writing sooner. My life has gone from being stopped with endless time, to being quite busy as I move toward something new. Once again I am seeing that when I let go of my idea of what my life should be and follow God's lead, miracles start happening. The lesson from the Course in Miracles that I am finally starting to get is: God's Will for me is perfect happiness. Having surrendered, I am starting to feel quite happy.

It seems that one after another, doors were closed for me in California. The tutoring job that I had been promised didn't happen. I wasn't given even one student. The house I thought I could share with an ex-housemate didn't happen, as he now has a cat who wouldn't get along with Max. Everywhere I turned, I found shut doors. And if you read my last blog, I finally got a hit that I was ready to leave California. The only door that was open to me was moving to my mom's in Central Florida.

My mother is 84 years old and in good health. She has a 3-bedroom house in Florida, across the street from her sister, and a few minutes drive to the beach. She loves to garden, cook, and she loves me and the cats. And I get along really well with her. Living with my mom is easy. She has invited me to come stay with her over and over. So finally I had no choice but to say "yes, I am moving to Florida." And lo and behold, miracles started happening.

First miracle was that a friend who lives near my mom, in a beautiful house right on the beach, bought me two tickets with her miles. (I need two tickets because I have two cats that I am taking on board with me.) Then, she told me she was making a key for me, so that I could have access to her beach house. Woo hoo! Another friend offered to take me to the airport. Money started showing up--just enough for me to meet all my expenses. I thought of selling my car, but wasn't able to. Hmmm...I thought, this means that I must be coming back.

Sure enough, last week I stopped by to say hi to the mother of a friend. We started talking and it turns out she has a beautiful house in Chico that she isn't using. She said I would be the perfect house sitter. And she loves cats. So it seems to me that I will spend a nice, long vacation in Florida with my mom and then return to start a new life, free of the struggle to pay the rent.

And all of a sudden my social life is abundant. Friends here are taking me out for dinner and brunch, and even coming down from Ashland to visit me. Friends on the East Coast are planning to visit me in Florida. And I am waking up to the fact that it's time to spend time with my mom, whom I have only been seeing for a week every couple of years.

Many friends, whose mothers are no longer alive, have said to me: "You will never regret spending this time with your mother." I know in my heart this is true, but I had to be forced into it. And I am finally feeling very free, and very happy, and connected with so many friends and family.

Did I mention that my mom makes a mean spanakopitta??

God's will for me is perfect happiness. Indeed.

When spirituality becomes twisted

Perhaps it's time to leave California. Signs are showing up that I no longer belong here. One of the signs is that when ever I attend anything "spiritual" I find how spiritual concepts are being misused. Like the friend who considers himself a guru and is seducing and being seduced by his "devotees". He is one with everyone and feels unconditional love and is free. That's what he tells himself. From my perspective, I want to vomit. That's a sign to me that something is off.

Well this morning I found myself yelling at a woman because I had had it with her new age concepts. (So much for the Course in Miracles.) Anyone who knows me, knows I love my cats--and really all cats. I saw Max, my alpha cat, looking out the window at a red cat in the garden. The red cat seemed lost and scared. I went out to check on him, but he left. Five minutes later a woman drove up asking me if I had seen a cat. Yes! I was so relieved, this cat wouldn't stay lost.

Apparently she was driving from Forestville to Lake Tahoe, and had the cat in the car without a carry case (mistake #1.) The cat jumped out of the car. Her main concern seemed to be that she had to be in Lake Tahoe at 4 pm to celebrate her birthday. She didn't really have time to look for the cat. She spent five minutes calling to him half heartedly and then gave up. "I can't do this to myself," she said to me. "I'm too upset." Hmmm...This seemed to be about her and not the cat.

Then she handed me a can of tuna and asked me if I'd give it to her cat if I saw him. She wouldn't be back for two days. "So you're going to leave your cat lost, thirsty and hungry, for two days?" I asked her. "I assume you'll be coming by to find him on your way back?"

"Well, I might, if I'm not too broken hearted over this," she replied. OK, that didn't compute. She would be broken hearted over losing her cat, and so couldn't come back to look for him??? At this point she wasn't making any sense to me. Then she started telling me how her cat was doing this to punish her, describing the cat's astrological signs, and saying that she trusted he would be fine.

OK, I had had enough. "Enough of this airy fairy new age bullshit!" I yelled at her. "This cat is lost and frightened. You put him in the car without a carry case. You let him escape. And now you can't take the time to find him? You committed to take care of this being. How about taking responsibility??"

She looked at me and asked, "Are you from New York?"

Despite my anger, I had to laugh to myself. "Yes, I am," I said. "And I am so tired of this California spiritual bullshit way of not taking responsibility."

"I'm from New York too," she said. And as she got in the car to leave, leaving her cat behind and homeless, she said to me, "Perhaps you need to be in California longer."

"I've been here 14 years," was my answer. And I would need a lobotomy to get to the point where you are at, I thought to myself. And perhaps it is time to leave Northern California and find a less "spiritual" place where spiritual concepts aren't used to justify indulgence and self-centeredness. Or perhaps I just need to see reflected in this gross projection, what I have bought into for so many years that I need to let go of.

A fond farewell to a little Crystal

This blog is humming with activity lately, and I appreciate everyone's input. But today, rather than address any of the questions being asked, I need to write about a heart-break that one of us is experiencing--the death of her seven year old daughter in a plane crash.

Yesterday morning I was getting ready to go to my version of church (the Center for Spiritual Living) when I thought I'd check my emails. A close friend who reads and participates in my blog, had sent me an email with a subject line that pretty much said her life was over. A little dramatic, I thought to myself, until I opened the email and read that her estranged husband and her seven year-old daughter had died in a plane crash that morning. She had received a call at 3:30 am with the news.

Oh, my God! I forgot about the church and called her, hoping she would answer the phone. She did. All I could say was "I'm so sorry," and cry. She cried with me. I never met the little girl, but she had touched my heart in many ways. Last year, she wrote one of my posts on miracles (October 21, 2010.) She was a miracle walking, and I called her the little Crystal, as she clearly was one of the wise crystal children who came to this world as an enlightened little being. I loved hearing her remarks. Once, when her older brother asked her, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" she looked at him as if he was stupid and replied, "What do you mean? I am." Who needs to sit with gurus when you have a child like that?

I hoped that I would meet her one day, and imagined the kind of woman she would grow up to be. Stronger and more beautiful than her mother (and that's saying a lot) and wiser than her dad. " You are wise," my friend asked me on the phone yesterday. "Why do you think this happened?" I have no idea. I won't even try to figure this out nor will I offer any spiritual platitudes. All I can over my friend is the space for her to have her sorrow, and the knowledge that I love her and am here for her. I can't possibly understand her pain, though I can cry along with her.

A friend told me that in some villages, at times like this, the entire tribe gets together and wails along with the mother. This blog, in a way, is one of her tribes. So please feel free to share your love with my friend who is in pain.

I love you, my sister, and I am here for you.

Is it possible to have an intimate relationship that is joyful?

I haven't written for a while, because I seem to be going through my own process. I no longer seem to have answers, as much as I have questions. Usually my questions revolve around money and life purpose. But the last few days, to my surprise, my question is about relationships between men and women. Is it possible to have a committed sexual relationship that does not cause suffering, but instead is joyful and supports spiritual growth?

That seems to be my question these days, because it has become clear to me that I have never had a joyful intimate relationship with a man--except perhaps for the first couple of months. No matter who the man is, my issues of abandonment always come up, which then cause him to shut down and leave. That's my painful pattern which has repeated over and over again. I have friends who have other painful patterns: they get abused, or they get suffocated from attention. I so can't imagine that. I just get ignored, never making it on his priority list.

Whatever our relationship pattern is, it is calling us to heal. I get it. So I have worked on issues I've had with my father not having any time for me or with God abandoning me. It seems to be the same issue. And still, I find myself involved with men who profess to love me, if and when they remember that I exist. Recently many of my illusions have dropped away and I'm clear that this non-existent relationship is not a partnership.

If the kind of partnership exists that is loving, supportive, and joyful, I would really like to be in one. If, on the other hand, all sexual relationships are about painful ways to learn lessons, then I'm done. I'm too old and no longer hormone-driven to suffer in order to be with a man. The Course in Miracles talks about such "special" relationships being based on hate rather than love. I have seen how easily love turns to hate, so I believe this. The only hope that the Course offers is that these special relationships can turn into holy relationships, which support our finding our way Home.

I'd love to hear from others, as I truly do not know the answer to this question. Is there such a thing as a committed sexual relationship which is joyful and supports truth?

No longer answering questions, but questioning answers

Earlier this year I attended a wonderful workshop by Donald Epstein (http://www.wiseworldseminars.com/) called the Ultimatum. One of the first things he said to us was, "I'm not here to help you answer your questions. I'm here to help you question your answers." Truer words were never said.

Lately I've been questioning my answers. Yesterday I was at my health club sitting by the pool (yes, I'm back in the world, and I love it!) I started talking with a gentleman who was probably a little older than me, and surely a bit wiser. My conversations are rarely superficial, as that bores me to death. So he asked me what the word "choice" meant to me. My reply was something like, "At any moment when I am making a decision, I have a choice--between self-betrayal and freedom." He smiled at me and gently said, "Wow. So black and white. Do you have any shades of gray in your life?"

Well, that gave me pause to think. It seems that I don't have much room for the gray areas. So my lessons come in extremes. I'm either earning a six-figure income or I'm totally broke. I'm either feeling the perfection of creation or I'm in hell. Whew! It's not easy being me. An astrologer once told me that I was born during a full moon. That means that I experience life in extremes. Hmmm...Can there be another way?

I also realized in talking to this gentleman, that while I think I want to be a speaker, I am no longer passionate about delivering any message. What the hell do I know? I'm just trying the best I can to evolve. And what is medicine at one point in my life--a spiritual teacher for example--can be poison later on. I don't want to preach to anyone. I don't know the Truth with a capital T. All I know is what is showing up for me in each moment. If I'm suppose to be speaking at some point, then it will happen organically. I cannot force it. Whatever gifts I have to offer, I can let God decide how they will be used.

Last night I came to this conclusion. I really don't have to figure things out. If God wants me to speak or write, He will create a venue for me. Otherwise it's just my ego, as an old friend once told me. This morning when I opened the Course in Miracles at random, I received the following: I need add nothing to God's plan. But to receive it, I must be willing not to substitute my own in place of it." Ok, God. I got it. What a relief. I don't have to have all the answers or really any answers. But perhaps I can ask some good questions, or help others to ask their questions.

So I invite you readers, to start asking questions in my blog. I'll write my own (most likely extreme) perspective and then we can open it up for discussion. But please don't ask questions that come from the mind. Let's up the ante. Ask questions that come from your heart, your soul, or even the deepest darkest depths of your despair. It's all welcomed here. You are welcomed here.

A new model for women

If you read the many comments on my last post, you will notice that some of them are, shall we say, far from loving. While I was happy to have some interaction going on in the beginning--I always wonder if anyone except a few close friends reads my blog--towards the end I found the comments to be painful. A friend was being attacked, and while I value freedom of speech I could no longer sit by and watch.

I stopped writing in my blog a few years ago for the same reason. Some unknown guys were attacking me every time I wrote. They weren't discussing the issues, but instead were telling me what an old hag I was, how I was flat chested, on and on. I was surprised to find that these comments really threw me off, that they hit the core of who I believed myself to be. I believed myself to be attractive, desirable, etc. The comments served to wake me up to the fact that I had given my life force to maintain that image, but it was time for the image to shatter.

Since then I have noticed the misogyny that exists in the world. I didn't notice it when I was young, looked good, and men were after me sexually. But I started noticing it in my mid-fifties. I noticed that men had stopped smiling at me, and that I had become invisible. That was the best case scenario. The worst case was that I was being attacked for speaking my mind.

So what to do? Do I shrivel up into a corner and keep quiet to stay safe? What kind of a life is that? Or, like Shandi, do I say that what you think of me is none of my business, and go out and live a full life speaking my truth? This culture seems to have only a couple of role models for women: Being sexy, gorgeous and young, in which case you can say any absurdity and everyone still adores you; or being motherly, loving, safe, and quiet. Personally it would be stupid of me to try to be the former, that's a losing battle. And motherly, loving, safe and quiet just aint my type.

So time to create some new role models for women. One of them is the outrageous, older woman who is outspoken and doesn't care what others think of her. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.