Again, it's been about half a year since I've written in my blog. I wasn't sure that I would write again. I'm still not sure. But for the first time in months I feel like writing as I am starting to feel passionate again about life.
I haven't been unhappy these last few months, but I haven't been very joyful either. I've been feeling that everything is happening as it should be, and "All things are lessons God would have me learn." So when money issues show up, I just deal with them and with my fears. It takes more and more to scare me these days. I am more peaceful, kinder, and more accepting of what is. This is all good. But in the last couple of weeks I feel as if a part of me--a very passionate, joyful, feminine part--is waking up after a long sleep (or shall I say coma?)
It started when I heard myself singing in the bathroom. I was surprised and couldn't remember the last time I sang. I did remember that I use to sing when I was really happy. So when was the last time I was really happy? I've been so serious. Money problems and survival issues put me in a serious mode. My spiritual path has also been serious. (Yes, yes, people are pissing me off and I need to forgive them. But where's the fun in that?) I've been tutoring students who are afraid of math; that's kind of serious. And I've been volunteering to spend time with older people, who discuss their aches and pains and health issues. Don't get me wrong. This is all worth while, and I love the people who are in my life. But where is the fun? Where is the laughter? Where is the passion?
Thankfully, it's showing up. Last week friends arrived from the Bay Area and we went to Mt. Shasta. On the ride home I found myself laughing so hard my stomach was hurting. Enough with being serene. That laugh felt better than anything I have felt in a long time. A man showed up to whom I am actually attracted. I was wondering if that was still possible for me, and to my relief and joy, I find that it is. Along with this revelation comes longing and desire. Oh no, bad! I shouldn't have longings and desires, I find myself thinking. Well, who says? I ask myself. This longing may be a bit scary but it feels alive. Coincidentally--as if there are coicidences--I just came across a poem by David Whyte called Longing which is just what I needed to read. Not some Zen koan about eliminating my desires.
So excitement about all the possibilities that the future holds is showing up for me. And yes, this is about the future, but I am feeling passionate and alive in the present. The world has gone from gray to full living color and I am glad about that.