Sunday, August 5, 2012

Take a leap of faith and God will catch you

I haven't written while I've been staying in California. I was too busy joyfully participating in life. I took a leap of faith and went to Marin County for six weeks, even though I barely had enough money for gas and food for a few weeks. And as always happens, I was totally supported.

Despite the fact that I was strapped for money, I decided to have a session with my network chiropractor. My logic told me that it didn't make sense to spend the money, but my heart (gut) told me to go. I was slightly amazed when Dr. Laura told me that her receptionist had just quit, and asked me if I wanted to work for her a couple of mornings a week. The money was minimal but it would cover food and gas; and I would get my treatments for free. Not to mention that I believe in her work and enjoy meeting with the people who come to her office. Yes! Of course I wanted to work for her.

Then I visited my friend who creates wonderful skin care products. She was planning an event and asked if I would consider helping her. Again the money was minimal by my old standards, but it definitely helped, and I was given all the skin care products I needed. Woo hoo!

Then a college student showed up who needed tutoring in algebra. Then a book showed up to edit. Invitations kept coming to me, and I kept saying "yes!" As a result more invitations kept coming to which I could say yes. This was very different from my old way of being, which was a tendency to say "no" so that I could keep my boundaries. Eight months of being isolated in Florida cured me from my need for isolation. A new person had returned to California, who was joyfully participating in life.

But looming in the background was the fact that I needed to return to Florida on July 31. How would I be able to move to California permanently? With one week to go, I found myself talking to God: "You have one week to move me back here! There is no way I am staying in Florida." And God's response caused me to laugh: "I created the world in one week. You think I can't move you back to California in one week?"

Sure enough, He moved me back. I won't go into all the miracles that happened but I am moving in two days, with my cats, home. For months I had been asking, "Where is my home? Where is my tribe?" and the answer has come. It took a tribe to move me back home, and I am grateful and happy.

God's will for me is perfect happiness, indeed!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Navigating in life without a map

A friend called me yesterday in turmoil. Like me, the old way of doing things is not working for her. Like me, in the past she knew what she wanted, put out her intent, and then manifested her desires. Like me, she finds that she doesn't really know what she wants these days. She'll think she wants something, and then finds that it fizzles out when she pursues it because she lacks passion. Like me, she is no longer able to push herself to do something that isn't inspiring to her.

I imagine that quite a few people are experiencing life like this. It's becoming more and more obvious that we are not in control. In fact, we were never in control, but we thought we were. In fact, most things that we created--relationships, jobs, etc.--did not lead to happiness. And we are no longer willing to spin our wheels to create something unless it will lead to our version of happiness.

So what to do, when we find ourselves in a new world, and the old maps no longer work? Well, for one thing, we can pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for God's grace. Pray for happiness. Pray for miracles.

Micromanaging God doesn't work, but we can still ask for what we want if the desire is a deep one. So while I don't feel that I can ask for a specific job, a specific home in the Bay Area, a specific relationship, a writing or speaking career, I can ask for the basics: happiness, freedom, love. I can even take my desires up a notch: I desire to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day; I desire to live in a place that feels like Home; I desire to have work that I enjoy and that takes care of my needs; I desire to live amongst my tribe; I desire a joyful partnership with a man.

Joyful participation in life, has become my mantra. I want to participate. And slowly I am finding myself in circumstances where I am participating and feeling happy. I am in California right now, after more than seven months in Florida; this feels like home. I am surrounded by friends who feel like my tribe. And work is showing up that is enjoyable as it involves something I believe in and working with people who are friends.

While I can't see the big picture, I am trusting that it is all being taken care of. I don't have any other option living so close to the edge. I can trust in a God that loves me Who is delivering me to a Heaven on Earth. Or I can place my faith in the world that tells me that I need to take control and make things happen, that I have to fight for what I want, that someone has to lose for me to win. Happiness or suffering, is my choice and it depends on where I place my faith.

In other words I can be host to God or hostage to the ego.

Doesn't seem like much of a choice to me.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Letting go of the idea that we need a vision

It's been months since I last wrote in my blog. The main reason is that I like to write in my blog when I have some clarity, and I haven't felt clear for a long time. Instead I have been in some deep, dark vortex--a place very close to what I imagine death is--and I have only been able to come up for air once in a while. I have had no answers, not for me, not for anyone else. All I have had are a lot of questions: What am I suppose to be doing? Do I have a purpose? How can I earn a living? Where is my home? Where do I belong? How can I be happy?

I haven't had a clue as to what the answers to these questions are. And most of my misery has been because I have had the belief that at this stage of my life--at my age and with all the spiritual work I've done--that I should have a vision. I should know what I want to create, I should set my intention, and I should be able to create it. I should have known that there was something off with this belief because it was making me so unhappy.

Today I learned that we have it backwards. Through Leslie Temple-Thurson (, a spiritual teacher whom I respect, I learned about Lena Stevens's forecasts ( What she says is that the idea of having a vision first, then setting an intention, and then creating something, is backwards. It is putting the masculine (vision) ahead of the feminine (creativity.) Instead we need to allow ourselves to experience the void and let go of trying to control the chaos that we are in, which is rooted in the fear of the feminine. When we can hold creativity without form, the vision will come in its own time.

Woo hoo! This is one of the answers I've been waiting for. What I am wanting to manifest in my life is an unprecedented way of being, a life of happiness. I don't know how to envision this, as everything I thought would bring me happiness so far has brought me pain. So how can I be expected to create something that is beyond anything I've experienced or even imagined? I can't. All I can do is stay with the not-knowing and follow that which inspires me. If nothing inspires me, I do nothing. Eventually the chaos will start morphing into something wonderful, and then I will know what to do. And it will be a joyful experience.

So the challenge this month, according to Lena Stevens, is being comfortable with lacking purpose and not knowing what to do. And the opportunity is letting go of really old baggage and manifesting unimaginable miracles. I am just beginning to see the swirls of energy creating something that I didn't expect. And I am seeing the light after all the darkness. And I am beginning to remember what it feels like to be truly happy

Friday, April 6, 2012

Intense times for those of us born around 1953: Second Saturn Return

I know it's been a couple of months since I've written. Lately I've been debating deleting this blog, or at least deleting all the posts up to this point and starting fresh. Much of what I wrote a couple of years ago--or even six months ago--isn't representative of who I am now. Intense self-inquiry and processing has caused some major shifts in my way of being. For one I don't feel as passionate about my beliefs. Beliefs keep changing; they keep being upgraded just like software. Ultimately all beliefs are limiting, but our computers need some kind of software to run.

In meditation last week, I asked why I've been doing such intense processing this last year. I mean, for a few decades now I've processed up the wazoo and have had several dark nights of the soul. But this last year--especially these last five months--have taken the cake. The answer that popped into my head was: You're going through a Second Saturn Return.

Oh, right. I remembered that Saturn Returns happen every 29 years. I'm 58 now, so that makes sense. When I started googling "Second Saturn Return" most of the information was very depressing. Apparently a lot of people die around 58-60 years old, if they don't pass this test. And if you flunked your first Saturn Return then you're in deep trouble by the time the second one comes around.

Well, after I freaked out for a while, I realized that this Second Saturn Return was a good thing. This passage marks the time of becoming a true elder, someone who has wisdom and can offer guidance to others. Well, that's what I've wanted to do for a long time, but it seems I wasn't ready. This time-out in Florida was Saturn's way of getting me to come back to my family and process some serious childhood issues that I wasn't even aware of. How can you be an elder when a raging five-year old is sabotaging you?

When Saturn returns a second time, you are being called to a new life. The first Saturn Return at 29 years of age, marked the beginning of being an adult. It was a challenging time for me. I went through my first divorce, moved to Manhattan, met my second husband, and got my first direct marketing job. All these intense changes set the stage for my being in the world, and succeeding in creating the material life I wanted at the time.

Now Saturn is returning to say that what I've done the last 30 years will no longer work. I'm being called to start offering my true gifts, not the marketable skills that I acquired along the way. When the time-out is over, there will be a new harvest--a life worth living. Already I feel the energy starting to move.

This Second Saturn Return is a generational thing. Everyone who was born around the time I was, is going through it. If you want to see if you're in it, there is a calculator: . If you're in it, the bad news is that you're going to be uncomfortable. But the good news is that this passage has an end to it, and it is calling you to a happier life.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The difference between heaven and hell: A shift in perspective

A while ago I wrote that I was waiting for God to give me guidance before I did anything. I wasn't about to do something just to feel that I was in control and being active. I received a comment on that post, saying that I needed to look within, to take responsibility, to follow my passions. While I agree with this comment, it leads me to believe that I was misunderstood--or wasn't expressing myself clearly.

When I say that I am waiting for God to guide me--or waiting for a miracle--what I am really saying is that I'm waiting for a shift in my perspective. That is the miracle. And guidance from God may come from a thought that gives me joy, as it did recently.

A few weeks ago I was awake at 2 am and thought to myself that I could take my favorite posts from this blog (I've been writing after all for a few years) and group them together according to topic: Health, Work, Relationships, Friendships, etc. Then I could write before each section how my thinking had evolved. For example I have gone from believing in manifesting to believing in miracles. I have gone from being angry at men to honoring them.

Well, as soon as I thought of doing this, I felt excitement. Something inside me was jumping up and down from joy. I was looking forward to starting this project. And so I did. I actually have completed it, which is part of the reason I haven't written in a while.

I have since learned about writing query letters and sending them to literary agents. I am about to start writing a book proposal. While I don't know what will come of this, I now am doing something that makes me happy. I am using my God given talents to offer something more than this blog to the world. And I am no longer focusing on not having money, or on all the things that are happening in my life that I don't like. Instead I am focusing on what I want to create: a book that will be published and a speaking career that will support others on their life's journey.

As I am doing this, the whole world around me is shifting. My relationships are improving. I feel a sense of abundance. New opportunities are coming into my life, such as the possibility of speaking at an event. The miracle is a shift in my perspective--from feeling poor and needy to feeling that I have something to offer to support others. And this shift in perspective is the difference between heaven and hell.

Monday, January 30, 2012

No such thing as happily ever after

There is no such thing as happily ever after. I don't mean this in a bad way. This is a good thing. Happiness isn't stagnant. It's not a destination, it's a journey. We don't reach happiness and then stop. Rather we reach the highest level of happiness that we are capable of reaching at any given point of time--given our beliefs and our past experiences. Then, as we evolve, we become capable of an even higher level of happiness. While this is a good thing, reaching a new level of happiness is uncomfortable because the old life has to be dismantled first, before the new life can begin. And usually dismantling is a painful process as we see the loss, but we do not see what is coming in.

I realized today as I was re-reading my book, Not a Guru, that I wasn't lying three years ago when I said that I was happy. I was happy at the time. I had a job that offered me everything that I had asked for. But after a while I became ready for a new level of happiness. I didn't just want a job that was easy and lucrative, working with people I liked. I wanted a job that I was passionate about, where I was inspired and inspiring, that was in service of a better world. I wanted to wake up and look forward to my day. And the old job went away not for economic reasons, as it would appear. It went away because I was asking for something more.

So what is coming into my life? It looks like I will have a speaking gig through the hospice where I have been volunteering. The head of the volunteers, whom I adore, wants to approach corporate clients and is offering me an opportunity to speak to them. She is giving me carte blanche to speak on anything I want. Hurray!

I've also been called to put together a new book from my favorite posts, along with narrative on the evolution over the three years that I have been writing here. I have to say that it's looking pretty good, and I have spent the last few days learning to write query letters and emailing literary agents. Regardless of what comes out of this, I feel good. The creative energy is flowing and despite the fact that nothing outside has changed in my life, I feel happy.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Magic imprisons but the laws of God make free

Magic imprisons, but the laws of God make free. This was a sentence in my Course in Miracles lesson today that really spoke to me. It also relates to a conversation that Shandi and I had in the comments section of my last post. So I thought I'd expand on it, partly to make it more clear to myself.

Many friends who know my circumstances--and of course anyone who reads my blog knows my "dire" circumstances--ask me, "Why don't you manifest what you want? You're such a good manifestor!" This is true. For years I lived what The Secret teaches. I could write down what kind of house I wanted, and magically it would appear. That's how I got my last corporate job. I wrote down everything I wanted in a job--great boss, good team, lots of money, easy, flexible hours--and I got all that. But surprisingly it didn't make me happy--at least not long term.

Three years down the road, when I was sitting in my office number crunching, feeling really bored and having no energy, I realized that the job I had asked for was not making me happy. When I discussed this with a fun loving friend, she looked at my list and said, "You didn't ask to have fun." No, I didn't. Nor had I asked to feel passionate about my work, to look forward to waking up in the morning and doing it, to be of service to awakening, to be inspired and inspiring. From my limited perspective I had created the "ideal" job, but as I evolved I realized that there was so much more I wanted than just easy money. My magic had imprisoned me in a small office, behind a computer, all alone, doing work I didn't care about, and paying off debts. Not very exciting.

In hind sight, I've realized that none of the things I thought would make me happy, did. So what to do now? I know that Florida is not my home. Do I put out my intention to go back to California? Well, California is the place I've been the happiest, but I've lived there 14 years and I'm not sure that there is anything left for me to do there. Perhaps it's time to live somewhere else. I'm open. And I'm asking for a miracle to lead me home. Same thing with work. I know I like to write and speak, and I would do these even if I wasn't paid--which I am not in this moment. But am I suppose to have a speaking or writing career? I don't know. So again I am asking for a miracle to show me the work that God wants me to do. I don't want to micromanage God any more.

So I am expectantly waiting for an answer, for guidance to my home, my tribe, my work. Once something clicks in place then I am happy to start creating and let my linear brain figure out the details. But I refuse to let my linear brain make the big decisions for me. It is the servant, not the strategic planner. I place my future in the hands of God.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Light has come

I opened the Course in Miracles book at random this morning, and this is the lesson that showed up: The Light has come. Appropriate, I thought, for the 2012 new year. Funny I should think that, when twenty years ago I was sure the end of the world would happen in 2012. And it is happening, but not the way I thought.

Twenty years ago, when I first read all the dire prophecies for 2012--that the Mayan calendar ended and the end of the world would be upon us--I was terrified. At least, I thought to myself, I will have lived long enough. I was 38 and being 58 seemed quite old at the time. (Needless to say I feel a little bit different now.)

So what do I believe now about 2012? I believe that 2012 does mark the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. But that's not a bad thing. The old paradigm has not been working. All the systems--the educational, the political, the religious, the corporate--have been in place to enslave us. We've believed that we are living in a democracy, when in fact it is a plutocracy. Occupy Wall Street is an indication that we are all waking up to the fact that we have given our power away to money and the corporations. The end of this paradigm is not a bad thing.

I believe that the end of the world is showing up for all of us internally. We are all facing our greatest fears so that we can wake up from the nightmare. As more light is coming to the planet, the darkness--our fear, anger, and grief--is coming up to be released. It feels like hell while we are going through it, but we do come out on the other side with our masks torn off--more real, more vulnerable, more who we really are. This is a good thing.

So in this new year, rather than resolutions of what we think we need to fix, I invite you to put out intentions for your heart's desires. Don't even worry about how these intentions will be accomplished. These days I have been asking God (the Universe, whatever) questions rather than telling Him what I want. My questions, which I have been writing in the sand as I walk the Florida beaches, are:
  1. Where is my home?
  2. Where is my tribe?
  3. Where is my partner?
  4. What is my work?

The last question is the most important to me. My intention is that these questions be answered in 2012. What are your deepest questions?

Back to the Course in Miracles, the first paragraph of The Light has come states:

The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you where ever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.

Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. There are no dark dreams now. The light has come. Today the time of light begins for you and everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.

May this be true for all of us in 2012. Happy New Year!