Wednesday, March 30, 2011

When you take a leap of faith, the Universe supports you

The last couple of days I've watched in awe as support has shown up to move me to my life's purpose. I have been praying for guidance concerning what to do next. Rather than focus on my fear of survival and need to pay the bills, I have focused on where I want to go. The more I have done that, the more excitement I have felt, and the more support has shown up. I have a chapter in my book titled "When you take a leap of faith, the Universe supports you." It's been a few years since I've experienced this; I had forgotten.

This week, as I focused on starting my group and doing workshops, support arrived. First, I found out that Barbara Sher was offering 20 minute appointments to help people live their passion. I quickly signed up and have an appointment on Friday to talk with her. Then, the director of a foundation that I had worked for called me. I hadn't spoken to her in months. Turns out that she is considering starting a career as a coach, and offered to coach me for free. Now this is a woman who is both spiritual and great at business. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine a better coach for me. And I have an appointment with her on Tuesday.

Finally, my new housemate is really good at redesigning websites, starting workshops, writing business plans for new ventures, and bringing the kind of structure that I've been asking for. We work well together and we're talking about taking the "Unplugging the Matrix" show on the road as a workshop. I am so excited about this. Everywhere I turn, people are showing up to support me. God must think I'm ready. Finally!

As for money, enough shows up just when I need it, in a miraculous way. Several times a day I am in awe of the magic that is happening. I had forgotten about the magic during the period when I thought I had financial security. Magic doesn't happen in the Matrix, it happens when you unplug.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Unplugging from the Matrix--Part 2

The last couple of months the question of "What am I going to do when I grow up?" has become much more urgent. On the one hand I'm not working, and I need to pay my bills. On the other hand, I am getting a clear signal that the time is now to live my life's purpose.The driving force of paying my bills is fear, or the ego. The driving force behind my life's purpose is passion, or my soul.

At this point I know that if I don't take a step--even a small step--towards work that is on purpose, I will not be supported. So not having any big ideas, I started small (the longest journey begins with one step.) I started a Thursday evening group on Meetup called Unplugging from the Matrix ( ). The purpose of this group is to support people in letting go of the illusion of security, and instead following their passion so that they can live a life of purpose and meaning.

Of course we all teach what we need to learn most. I need this support and starting this group is a small step in the direction I want to go in. Because unplugging from something you don't want is not enough. That leaves you in a place of emptiness. The next step is to plug into something that you do want. That's when the transformation happens. That's when life finally becomes fun.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Raising the bar

A friend led a ceremony last night for the full moon and Spring Equinox. She had done one just for the two of us two days ago, which was very powerful. Since the one last night involved nine more people, I thought that it would be even more powerful. I was disappointed. More people didn't make the ritual more powerful, because one woman in the group broke the "spell." Instead of following my friend's lead, she recommended a way of doing the ceremony which was "safer" and from my perspective much less interesting. My friend acquiesced.

It occurred to me that people tend to bring things down to the lowest common denominator. If someone is afraid, they water things down to make it safer for the fearful person. I've been hearing that most adults these days read at a third grade level. A "no kids left behind" policy seems to ensure that no kid will become a shining star either. It seems that society prefers to keep everyone in the middle. We don't want people to be too far below average, as they won't be functional and productive. But we don't want them to be too far above average, as they will disturb the status quo with ideas that are out of the box.

I have a friend who reads my blog religiously. When I am discussing something that is more mainstream and appeals to more people, she lets me know. I get the feeling--though she hasn't said so directly--that she would prefer if all my posts were at that level. But I am clear that I need to write whatever is coming up for me, whether people understand it or not. If I only write things that I believe the mainstream will understand, I will bore myself and not do anyone a service.

It's become clear to me, especially after last night, that I need to write and speak at the highest level that I possibly can. We all need to offer our gifts at the highest level. We can't afford to water things down so that others will feel secure in their comfort zone. This comfort zone is killing the planet and offering us all a slow death of mediocrity. It's time to raise the bar for ourselves and for everyone else. Let's feel uncomfortable. Let's push the edges and own our power, own our creativity, own our magnificence. Let's raise the bar for ourselves and for everyone else. If we are to survive as a species, it's time for each of us to show up and shine!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Is devotion disempowering?

A friend scolded me a few days ago. He said that I needed to keep a picture of my ex-spiritual teacher on my altar as a sign of respect and gratitude. He has many pictures of his teachers all over the place, including on his altar. He believes that my not showing this sign of respect is holding me back. I disagree.

He seems to think that I have issues with my ex-teacher. I don't. I don't have any energy around him. I forgave him years ago for what ever I thought he did, which in hindsight was nothing. He never did anything harmful to me. He was just living his life as a human being. I am grateful that he was the first teacher to point me to awakening. That was huge and I will never forget the role he played. For five years I listened to him and drank in the truth of his words. But at some point I was complete. Done. There was no more energy there for me. Other teachers showed up in various forms (or not in form) but I was clear that I would not worship anyone again.

I understand that one path of enlightenment is devotion, and I have felt that. I'm not saying that it is wrong for someone to be devoted to their teacher. But at this stage of my life, devotion seems disempowering. I do not have pictures of anyone on my altar--not Jesus, not Ammachi, not Ramana Maharshi, not Archangel Michael--even though I deeply love them and value their support. They are brothers and sisters who are showing me the way Home. That said, I do have pictures of Ammachi and Ramana along with my family's pictures. To me they are family--albeit more evolved than the rest--who have found the way out of suffering and can help me. I do not place them on a pedestal.

So what do I keep on my altar? Candles, flowers, feathers, mandalas, water from certain sacred places, my intentions for what I want to create. At this point everything is a teacher: my friends, my cats, name it. We are all each other's teachers. Singling out one form to worship is limiting and does not tell the whole story.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Unplugging from the Matrix

It has become clear that when I am not happy, I am on the wrong path. I am betraying myself and going against my deepest desires. The recent unhappiness and lack of clarity comes from still clinging to the old work paradigm, which no longer works for me. Of course fear of survival is driving this, as I don't trust that I will be able to support myself if I try something new.

Losing my contract position with the large hi-tech company I was working for has unplugged me from the Matrix, the work paradigm that says you have to suffer--do things you don't like, or that you find boring, or that stress you out--in order to earn enough money to pay the bills. You cannot follow your heart's desire because you'll die of starvation and be homeless if you do. Fear is running this show, and we pretend we're excited about something that we couldn't care less about. If we weren't paid, we would never consider doing most of the work we do.

So my heart's desire is to write or speak or teach or hold workshops that I am passionate about. The topic needs to be about staying true to yourself, following your heart, and not betraying yourself because of fear--fear that you won't be liked, or fear that you will lose your friends or spouse, or fear that you won't be able to feed yourself. So have I been taking any steps in the direction that is my soul's purpose? Apart from writing in my blog, I have to admit that I have not.

Instead I cling to the Matrix trying to find ways to make money. Opportunities keep showing up as tests to see if I will plug myself back in again. Can I work on excel spreadsheets? I open the spreadsheet and feel nauseous. Please don't make me work on spreadsheets again, my soul pleads with me. And so I turn down that opportunity. Do I want to get involved in multi-level marketing? a friend asks me. I am so not interested in any of this, comes my soul's reply. Nope, I can't do that. Do I want to get involved with a start-up and do analytics? I feel the CEO's passion about her company as she talks about the work, but it is not my passion. The confusion has lifted. I just don't want to work in the business world anymore. And my body and soul will not give me the energy to do something that I don't want to do.

There are things that I don't mind doing, such as editing books and tutoring math--as they are not part of the Matrix and I enjoy these activities. Enough of this work is showing up for now to pay the bills. But it's becoming clear to me that I have to take at least a step in creating something that I am passionate about. So starting on Thursday, March 31, from 7-9 pm, I will be holding a group in my living room to support those of us who are unplugging from the Matrix. If you live in the Bay Area and are interested, please let me know.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Questioning our answers

I apologize for not writing sooner. It's not that I forget about you. It's just that I like to write when I have clarity, and lately I am not clear at all. I am confused about many things. I have questions but no answers.

Not much is happening in my life. Various "opportunities" show up, but they are not exciting--I can't muster up enough enthusiasm to do any of it--and so I don't get involved. I am aware that I need to earn money--like now--but I can't for the life of me think of a way to do it. When I think of things I've done in the past, I can't muster up enough energy to go after them again. Been there, done that.

Then I ask myself if I could create something that I am passionate about. It has to involve teaching, speaking, writing, within a spiritual context. That's all I can come up with. But I can't come up with a structure, a form, where I could use these skills. I feel stuck. I pray for inspiration but it just isn't coming. If I sit back will the universe drop something in my lap? Or do I have to make something happen? I imagine it must be a balance of the two, and right now I'm not doing my part because I haven't got a clue of what to do.

I'd like to think that this lack of interest is a result of "awakening" and being detached, but I'm not buying it. If I ain't feeling joy--and I'm not right now--then I am not on the right path. It seems I've been here before--cornered and not being able to find a way out--and then all of a sudden the bottom falls out and I'm in a new place. Transformation is occurring and I am joyfully in a new stage in my life. I would like to think that this is the case, but I don't know.

Am I the only one feeling this way? Sorry folks, but I have no answers these days, only a lot of questions. At the Ultimatum workshop I took in January, Donald Epstein said that he wasn't there to answer our questions. Instead, he was there to question our answers. Perhaps it's a step up to realize that we don't have the answers. It certainly is humbling...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

It's time to start supporting each other

I don't know anyone who isn't going through some very challenging times. Do you? The challenges may be around health, or money (my personal favorite), or relationships. So we have two options. We can focus on how miserable we are, and feel like victims, and hope that we can find someone to help us. Or we can look around and see how many people are suffering much more than we are, and do something to help. It's amazing how quickly you can get out of your depression when you are helping someone else.

So how exactly can we help other people? Well, we can't help them by worrying about them. That only confirms their own fears and adds to their suffering. We can't help them by buying into their story and agreeing with them that they are victims. We can't help them by trying to save them and becoming their hero; that just leads to co-dependency. Really, the only way to help people is to see them as powerful beings and to trust their path. I remember years ago--when I had lost my job and was going through something similar to what I'm going through now--a friend said to me, "I'm not worried about you. You're going to be fine." And she proceeded to discuss with me all the opportunities that I could take advantage of. That shifted me from a place of fear to a place of excitement.

As 2012 approaches, and the energies of change are upon us, the only way we're going to get through this is by being there for each other. This can mean offering someone a place to stay, or listening to their problems, or lending them money, or a number of things. What we do isn't as important as the energy with which we do things. If we're seeing people as victims and want to save them, we're going to be in for a lot of trouble. But if we can see them as our brothers and sisters, who are on their way Home as we are, and can offer them a helping hand as they stumble on the path, then I think that we will all make it Home sooner.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Letting go of the drama of life

My apologies for not writing sooner. I haven't forgotten about my blog. It's just that I haven't been inspired to write about any issue, because I'm not experiencing the drama of any issues. Life has become very simple.

While I'm not sure how next month's rent will be paid, I am learning to really trust. Many opportunities have been showing up lately: a book to edit (I enjoy this), a client for coaching (I have a passion for this), a start-up where I may have much to contribute (I am excited about this.) I'm also realizing that I can do other things I enjoy, like tutor math. Money is showing up in small ways for which I am grateful. I even received a check for royalties from my book (OK, it was only $7.29 but I felt the energy start moving.)

In addition to appreciating all the sources of income, I have cut my expenses as much as I can. I have eliminated insurance expenses that I no longer need and have called companies such as Comcast asking for a reduction in their fees, and have gotten them. I now have a new housemate who contributes to the rent. This is a big financial help. But more than this, she is someone I enjoy hanging out with and a very good cook. Those who know me know how much I love to eat!

Rather than worry about the future, I am appreciating the present. If fear tries to creep up, I ask myself, Am I OK right now? Do I have a nice home? Enough food? Am I in good health? Invariably the answer is yes. It is only if I project myself into the future that I start becoming anxious. So my choices are to stay in the present and be happy, or worry about the future and be in hell. Duh! I choose to stay in the present.

Rather than pray for my circumstances to change, I have been praying to release my fears. Slowly but surely this has been happening. And what is resulting is happiness regardless of the outside circumstances. I'm not totally there yet, but I see where I am heading, and I like it. The only thing is that it doesn't make for an interesting story as there is so little drama. But frankly, the story is where all the suffering is. I'm happy to let go of it.