It has become clear that when I am not happy, I am on the wrong path. I am betraying myself and going against my deepest desires. The recent unhappiness and lack of clarity comes from still clinging to the old work paradigm, which no longer works for me. Of course fear of survival is driving this, as I don't trust that I will be able to support myself if I try something new.
Losing my contract position with the large hi-tech company I was working for has unplugged me from the Matrix, the work paradigm that says you have to suffer--do things you don't like, or that you find boring, or that stress you out--in order to earn enough money to pay the bills. You cannot follow your heart's desire because you'll die of starvation and be homeless if you do. Fear is running this show, and we pretend we're excited about something that we couldn't care less about. If we weren't paid, we would never consider doing most of the work we do.
So my heart's desire is to write or speak or teach or hold workshops that I am passionate about. The topic needs to be about staying true to yourself, following your heart, and not betraying yourself because of fear--fear that you won't be liked, or fear that you will lose your friends or spouse, or fear that you won't be able to feed yourself. So have I been taking any steps in the direction that is my soul's purpose? Apart from writing in my blog, I have to admit that I have not.
Instead I cling to the Matrix trying to find ways to make money. Opportunities keep showing up as tests to see if I will plug myself back in again. Can I work on excel spreadsheets? I open the spreadsheet and feel nauseous. Please don't make me work on spreadsheets again, my soul pleads with me. And so I turn down that opportunity. Do I want to get involved in multi-level marketing? a friend asks me. I am so not interested in any of this, comes my soul's reply. Nope, I can't do that. Do I want to get involved with a start-up and do analytics? I feel the CEO's passion about her company as she talks about the work, but it is not my passion. The confusion has lifted. I just don't want to work in the business world anymore. And my body and soul will not give me the energy to do something that I don't want to do.
There are things that I don't mind doing, such as editing books and tutoring math--as they are not part of the Matrix and I enjoy these activities. Enough of this work is showing up for now to pay the bills. But it's becoming clear to me that I have to take at least a step in creating something that I am passionate about. So starting on Thursday, March 31, from 7-9 pm, I will be holding a group in my living room to support those of us who are unplugging from the Matrix. If you live in the Bay Area and are interested, please let me know.