Monday, May 23, 2011

My "trust" fund is starting to pay off

I feel as if I took a leap of faith and have been in mid-leap for months. The problem with being in mid-leap is that there is no ground. And you don't know if you're going to crash, or have a net catch you, or if you will sprout wings and fly. Fear and common sense tell you that you're going to die. Something deeper in your heart says that you will fly. But you don't know for sure, so all you can do is check in on the compass in your heart, and see what you need to do in each moment.

I thought I was going to Brazil. I thought that I would be leaving the Bay Area behind and going on a healing adventure. In the beginning it looked like God (the Universe, whatever you want to call the All) was supporting me. I had a friend in Brazil. A friend here wanted to take care of my car. My mom was happy to have my cats. I could let go of all my stuff and make enough money for the trip. But to my surprise, my stuff wasn't selling. When it was selling it sold for much less than I thought it would. Six people showed interest in buying my Duxiana bed but changed their minds. Clearly I wasn't suppose to sell my bed.

It also became clear that there was no way I was going to Brazil. For one, I didn't have the money. But what clinched it was when I went to a gathering last Friday and met a group of women whom I really connected with. Why am I meeting all these women now, if I'm suppose to leave? I asked myself. It occurred to me that rather than going away, I was suppose to start participating in this community. Then I found out a visa was needed to go to Brazil. Then my friend in Brazil was admitted to the hospital for some urgent health issues. Finally, another friend called me to tell me about a dream she had that involved me. In her dream she was told that I wasn't going to Brazil. "I wonder why I saw that?" she asked me. "Well, because I'm not going to Brazil," was my response.

So where am I going? It looks like Sebastopol, just half an hour from my current residence. I found a great house share where the cats and I are welcome, the owner is gone during the week and during the summer, and my costs will be reduced to the point where I can actually support myself without having to have a "Matrix" job. I haven't quite landed yet, but I see the net and I feel wings starting to sprout. Whew! I have been dipping into my "trust" fund in a major way and now it seems to be paying off!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Trying to hear my inner voice amidst the noise of bad advice

I try not to write in my blog when I have issues coming up, but I feel I need to let friends know why I am not answering the phone these days. Since I am in the midst of chaos--leaving my house on June 5, selling all my stuff (or at least trying to sell it), and trying to figure out where I am going next--I find that it is painful to talk to friends. Their fears and worries about me do not support me, and what they think of as emotional support is anything but.

The first time I went through something similar, which was a decade ago, I was dating a lawyer. His advice to me was "Just get a job!" These days I've been dating a non-dual teacher. You would think that his advice would be better. Nope. "Get a job," he said. "No one wants to hear you speak. You're not going to be a speaker. That's just your ego." Well, perhaps I'm not meant to speak. Time will tell. But his idea of getting a job is working for some non-profit. Brilliant. I don't like doing office work. So instead of doing it for a large corporation and earning a six-figure income, let me do it for a non-profit and earn peanuts. I don't think so.

"Maybe it's time to do the logical thing," another friend says. The logical thing? I've worked for four years at something fairly boring to pay the bills and to pay off my debts. I've tried to downsize, got a room mate, and tried to get more work, including tutoring and editing. It's not happening. This is not the time to be logical. This is the time to be outrageous. I still see myself being in Brazil. We shall see.

Another friend calls me, just as I'm coming out of the shower. "Well, at least you have a shower, in this moment," she says. Great! Let's put that out there, that I won't have a shower and I'll be a dirty, homeless person. So how is any of this supportive??

Worrying about me is not supportive. Adding fears to my own fears is not supportive. Not trusting my path is not supportive. Giving advice is not supportive. So I am staying by myself, connecting to my inner voice, which is where the only true support can be found for me. And unless someone is calling to buy my stuff or with any practical solutions to my dilemma, I am not answering the phone. At least not until my world solidifies and I land where I am meant to be.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Noticed how strange the energy is, lately?

I'm not that much into astrology, though I do read any information I get that describes what is going on energetically with the planet. However this weekend I didn't have to read anything. I felt it. From my perspective it seems that we entered another dimension this weekend, and it is still going on.

I found myself so dizzy on Sunday that all I could do is lay outside on the grass and feel the sun. I couldn't read; I couldn't use the computer; I couldn't watch TV. I felt I had so much to do as I need to move the end of the month, but I couldn't do any of it. I just surrendered and rested. Towards the end of the day the dizziness went away (I never get dizzy or headaches) but it felt as if time had stopped. No one calling. Nothing to do. Just be.

Yesterday (Monday) I felt better physically and wanted to get things done. But I wasted my time. Everything that showed up was off. An email came from a friend saying she was in London and needed money. I was shocked for a moment and then realized it was one of these spam things. Someone asked me to write a proposal to edit her book, but I knew that she wasn't seriously interested, and said no, thank you. To which she replied that she was letting the book go as other things were calling her. (I knew that!) Someone called saying that he wanted to buy my bed, but didn't speak very good English and I couldn't understand him. I felt there was something off but agreed to have him come over and see it. He never showed up. These are the highlights, but the whole day was like this. Nothing was going to get done, and I found myself freaking out because I need things to be moving right now. I had to let it go.

I've checked with several friends who said they also felt the same way. One friend said that she canceled all her weekend plans--which included some tickets--and stayed home all weekend napping a lot. She felt that we and the entire planet are going through intense energetic shifts as the old way of being is dying off. The best we can do is keep our hearts open, was her recommendation. I would have to agree though my tendency is to become afraid.

Today I thought that there might be a shift in the energy, as someone called first thing this morning wanting to buy my dining room set. But nope, his wife just called to say she couldn't afford it. So this seems like another day that I need to surrender any desire for results or doing anything. I give up. At a time when my mind says that I need to be getting things done as I am running out of time, the energy out there tells me that nothing is going to happen. I can't go against the flow. It is a time of not knowing, and I have to be OK with that.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Freedom or Security? You have to choose.

A healer who came to my house yesterday said to me, " I learned a long time ago, when I was a young man, that you could have either freedom or security, but not both. I chose freedom." Well, I knew that too. When I followed my spiritual teacher I got very clear about my desire for freedom above all else. And for a while life was joyous, and exciting, and juicy. Money was not plentiful, but all my needs were taken care of, and every day seemed like a vacation. I couldn't wait to wake up and do my job. (You can read about this in my book, Not a Guru.)

But dog-gone-it, I like security. I like knowing that I have a consistent income. I like knowing that I can pay my rent. I like feeling safe and secure and comfortable. I like it so much that I keep recreating a pattern where I have a comfortable life, then comfort turns to boredom, then boredom turns to hell, then the comfortable life goes away. For a short while I panic and then I find myself taking a leap of faith, following some illogical direction, and creating a much happier life than I had before. That's how I moved from New York to California--the best decision I ever made. But life in New York had to become hellish before I would consider moving across the country, to a place where I didn't know anyone, didn't have a job, and didn't know how to drive. While this move seemed illogical, in hindsight it was the best move I ever made.

Now I find myself repeating this pattern and leaving California. Why this pattern? I ask myself. Well, part of it is that I am committed to awakening and it seems that comfort puts me to sleep. Or to put it another way, I am committed to freedom but I find myself a slave to security--working or struggling to keep my stuff and my house. And because God is merciful, He comes to wake me up. Oh, right. I want freedom, I remind myself. And the entire Universe shows up to support me. Then I remember that the only true security lies in trusting God, or rather in trusting the voice within me that points me towards truth.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing

This is probably the longest time that I haven't written in my blog. I apologize. My whole world has shifted and it was an intense process. I don't like writing until I have some clarity.

Helen Keller made the statement "Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." I remember reading this when I first moved to California and was experiencing a new life. At the time my life had become an adventure and I could relate to this. Somewhere along the line,though, I forgot. I don't remember the last time that I had an adventure. For four years I worked in my office, by myself, doing excel spreadsheets and getting paid well to do them. When I first got the position I was thrilled. Finally I could pay off debts. It was fun to be in the business world again. But as the years wore on, everything became routine and comfortable. I found myself getting bored and being boring.

Then the job went away. I gulped as I liked the security I thought I had. But I also felt the freedom of not being tied to my computer. Unfortunately this freedom was accompanied by fear. How would I pay my rent? What else could I do to support myself? No matter what I tried, nothing really took off. This wasn't surprising, as my heart wasn't in anything that I tried to do. But for several months I managed to make ends meet--barely. This past week however it became clear that the lifestyle I had was not sustainable. I could no longer hold it all together. I gave notice that I would be leaving my rental on May 31.

What I thought would be my worst nightmare became my saving grace. I realized I could let it all go--sell all my stuff and create something new. So I am taking my cats to Florida to stay with my mom, and I am going to Brazil for two months to be with John of God. Apart from this being a healing place, I am finding myself so excited about this adventure. And not surprisingly, the money is starting to flow again, as people are showing up to buy my stuff.

Last night I watched a movie called Pleasantville. It was about a black and white TV show in the Ozzie and Harriet format from the 1950s. Everything was secure, and known, and predictable. But then two teenagers from the real world went into this show and real life showed up with its messiness, passion, and creativity. And slowly the black-and-white people and their surroundings turned into color. I feel that after a long period of living a black-and-white life, I too am turning into color. Stay tuned...