A healer who came to my house yesterday said to me, " I learned a long time ago, when I was a young man, that you could have either freedom or security, but not both. I chose freedom." Well, I knew that too. When I followed my spiritual teacher I got very clear about my desire for freedom above all else. And for a while life was joyous, and exciting, and juicy. Money was not plentiful, but all my needs were taken care of, and every day seemed like a vacation. I couldn't wait to wake up and do my job. (You can read about this in my book, Not a Guru.)
But dog-gone-it, I like security. I like knowing that I have a consistent income. I like knowing that I can pay my rent. I like feeling safe and secure and comfortable. I like it so much that I keep recreating a pattern where I have a comfortable life, then comfort turns to boredom, then boredom turns to hell, then the comfortable life goes away. For a short while I panic and then I find myself taking a leap of faith, following some illogical direction, and creating a much happier life than I had before. That's how I moved from New York to California--the best decision I ever made. But life in New York had to become hellish before I would consider moving across the country, to a place where I didn't know anyone, didn't have a job, and didn't know how to drive. While this move seemed illogical, in hindsight it was the best move I ever made.
Now I find myself repeating this pattern and leaving California. Why this pattern? I ask myself. Well, part of it is that I am committed to awakening and it seems that comfort puts me to sleep. Or to put it another way, I am committed to freedom but I find myself a slave to security--working or struggling to keep my stuff and my house. And because God is merciful, He comes to wake me up. Oh, right. I want freedom, I remind myself. And the entire Universe shows up to support me. Then I remember that the only true security lies in trusting God, or rather in trusting the voice within me that points me towards truth.