I feel as if I took a leap of faith and have been in mid-leap for months. The problem with being in mid-leap is that there is no ground. And you don't know if you're going to crash, or have a net catch you, or if you will sprout wings and fly. Fear and common sense tell you that you're going to die. Something deeper in your heart says that you will fly. But you don't know for sure, so all you can do is check in on the compass in your heart, and see what you need to do in each moment.
I thought I was going to Brazil. I thought that I would be leaving the Bay Area behind and going on a healing adventure. In the beginning it looked like God (the Universe, whatever you want to call the All) was supporting me. I had a friend in Brazil. A friend here wanted to take care of my car. My mom was happy to have my cats. I could let go of all my stuff and make enough money for the trip. But to my surprise, my stuff wasn't selling. When it was selling it sold for much less than I thought it would. Six people showed interest in buying my Duxiana bed but changed their minds. Clearly I wasn't suppose to sell my bed.
It also became clear that there was no way I was going to Brazil. For one, I didn't have the money. But what clinched it was when I went to a gathering last Friday and met a group of women whom I really connected with. Why am I meeting all these women now, if I'm suppose to leave? I asked myself. It occurred to me that rather than going away, I was suppose to start participating in this community. Then I found out a visa was needed to go to Brazil. Then my friend in Brazil was admitted to the hospital for some urgent health issues. Finally, another friend called me to tell me about a dream she had that involved me. In her dream she was told that I wasn't going to Brazil. "I wonder why I saw that?" she asked me. "Well, because I'm not going to Brazil," was my response.
So where am I going? It looks like Sebastopol, just half an hour from my current residence. I found a great house share where the cats and I are welcome, the owner is gone during the week and during the summer, and my costs will be reduced to the point where I can actually support myself without having to have a "Matrix" job. I haven't quite landed yet, but I see the net and I feel wings starting to sprout. Whew! I have been dipping into my "trust" fund in a major way and now it seems to be paying off!