Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Trying to hear my inner voice amidst the noise of bad advice

I try not to write in my blog when I have issues coming up, but I feel I need to let friends know why I am not answering the phone these days. Since I am in the midst of chaos--leaving my house on June 5, selling all my stuff (or at least trying to sell it), and trying to figure out where I am going next--I find that it is painful to talk to friends. Their fears and worries about me do not support me, and what they think of as emotional support is anything but.

The first time I went through something similar, which was a decade ago, I was dating a lawyer. His advice to me was "Just get a job!" These days I've been dating a non-dual teacher. You would think that his advice would be better. Nope. "Get a job," he said. "No one wants to hear you speak. You're not going to be a speaker. That's just your ego." Well, perhaps I'm not meant to speak. Time will tell. But his idea of getting a job is working for some non-profit. Brilliant. I don't like doing office work. So instead of doing it for a large corporation and earning a six-figure income, let me do it for a non-profit and earn peanuts. I don't think so.

"Maybe it's time to do the logical thing," another friend says. The logical thing? I've worked for four years at something fairly boring to pay the bills and to pay off my debts. I've tried to downsize, got a room mate, and tried to get more work, including tutoring and editing. It's not happening. This is not the time to be logical. This is the time to be outrageous. I still see myself being in Brazil. We shall see.

Another friend calls me, just as I'm coming out of the shower. "Well, at least you have a shower, in this moment," she says. Great! Let's put that out there, that I won't have a shower and I'll be a dirty, homeless person. So how is any of this supportive??

Worrying about me is not supportive. Adding fears to my own fears is not supportive. Not trusting my path is not supportive. Giving advice is not supportive. So I am staying by myself, connecting to my inner voice, which is where the only true support can be found for me. And unless someone is calling to buy my stuff or with any practical solutions to my dilemma, I am not answering the phone. At least not until my world solidifies and I land where I am meant to be.

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