Sunday, December 25, 2011

It's not enough to survive. I want happiness.

These are the words that my friend Kalli (Popi) Ladon says in the video that just aired yesterday:
Popi has been fighting cancer for several years and winning. She ignores the doctors who tell her she has only six months to live. (Who gives doctors the right to put an expiration date on her?) More than surviving cancer, she is thriving. She is doing the things she loves--dancing for one--and is now inspiring others to do the same. When we are healed, we are not healed alone, states the Course in Miracles. Popi's miraculous healing is helping other cancer patients go beyond the limitations of medicine to the miracles of God.

And of course Popi is not just inspiring cancer patients. She is inspiring me. She is inspiring those who have suffered severe loss, as well as those who are dying a slow death because they can't leave a job they hate that pays the bills, or a relationship that is no longer loving and joyful, but is safe.

Too long have we bought into the idea that we are put on Earth just to survive. As children of God, joy and love and peace and freedom are our inheritance. We are here on Earth to inspire each other, to use our talents to create a better world, to have abundance not just of material things, but abundance of time, of energy, of health, of friends, of community, of celebration.

So on this day of celebration, I celebrate my friend Popi who is a powerful warrior, a beautiful goddess, and a loving friend.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Another perspective on depression

A few friends who read my last post commented that I was depressed and perhaps should see a therapist. I was a little surprised as I don't tend to see my state of mind as something that needs to be fixed, but rather as something that needs to be experienced so that it can heal. It seems to me that labeling something and coming up with a cure is the easy way out. It makes us think we know what's going on and that we're in control. So let me share my view on depression.

At the bottom of every ego lies a dark self-hatred, a feeling of unworthiness, and terror. Everyone has this unless they have actually done some serious spiritual/healing work. This is the human condition. Of course most of don't experience the intensity of it. Instead of stark terror, we feel worried. Instead of hatred, we feel a mild dislike. Instead of deep rage we feel frustration. We keep things at a superficial level so that we can feel comfortable and so that we can remain functional.

So rather than feel and heal the darkness within, we stay very busy--running constantly so that perhaps death won't catch up with us. Or we take medication such as prozac so that we can feel OK and continue to function. All we're doing is suppressing the feelings that are there. Rather than heal the source of the depression, we heal the symptoms. Or those of us who don't suppress the dark feelings wallow in them and become the victim. Oh, woe is me! We may go to a therapist and analyze our feelings to death, blaming our parents. But that isn't really experiencing the feeling either. And the darkness continues to run underneath, allowing us to go about our day, with just a slight feeling of uneasiness, that something is wrong.

There is another way. It's to allow the feelings to come up without labeling them, without making them wrong, without talking about them, without suppressing them. Just sit and feel these uncomfortable feelings of fear, of anger, of unworthiness. They are coming up to be healed. They won't kill you, and they won't last forever. Usually a few days will do it. And then they shift into something else and are released. At which point there is more clarity.

At least that's my take on how to handle feelings of depression. Allow them to move through you without judgment. At some point the light will return.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

How can a path that lacks joy lead to joy?

I know it's been almost two months since I wrote in my blog. Frankly I was in such intense processing, feeling so disoriented and out of touch, that I had nothing to share. I've been in a nightmare of unhappiness not just in the last couple of months, but since my birthday in May. As I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I remember making one simple wish: I want to be happy. What has followed is six months of deep unhappiness.

Be careful what you ask for. It seems that I needed to see all the beliefs that I hold that prevent me from being happy. The couple of months I spent in one house share showed me how I believed that I had no value as a human being if I had no money. It took being emotionally abused to break through this belief that was causing so much suffering. When I realized how I was betraying myself, a miracle happened and I got to move. But I can't say that situation was a happy one. Nor has my stay in Florida been happy, despite my mother's generous welcome. I don't belong here. I can't breathe here. It feels like a dead end. Then why was I brought here?

A few days ago I realized that I had a belief that awakening could only happen through suffering and loss. This belief did not come from my Christian roots but from advaita. "The path to enlightenment is a path of loss", I heard my spiritual teacher say. "You have to meet death, meet the emptiness." After all, that's how Ramana Maharshi woke up, by being terrified of death and meeting it.

It seems that I have gotten very good at loss and getting to a point where my life is so miserable that it feels like death. But reaching that point isn't waking me up; it's just making me miserable, out of touch with the world, and hoping to die to escape. The Course in Miracles tells me that God's will for me is perfect happiness. So God hasn't been doing this to me, I've been doing this to myself unconsciously. God forbid that I am happy, that I have a partner, that I celebrate with friends, that I have work I love, that I have abundance. If I'm so happy in this life I won't wake up. Really? The Course in Miracles says that God comes to wake us up after the nightmare has become a happy dream.

Well, if this world is a dream, then I am ready for a happy dream. I am putting aside all thoughts of awakening, as they are just concepts. I don't know how it feels to be awake. But I do know how it feels to be happy. And I am so ready to be happy. I share God's will for happiness for me. And I choose life. Bring it on!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Greetings from Florida. Moving towards Wholeness.

This is probably the longest lapse between posts. Please forgive me as I've been very busy moving, and settling in Florida. I wasn't sure if I could even write from here, as I wasn't feeling inspired to say anything. But today I woke up feeling clear and thought I'd reconnect.

Although I've been supported in this move, I can't say that I haven't had challenges. Flying with two cats was intense. My shoulders hurt for days from carrying Max, who weighs a good 14 pounds, and Bradley who, thank God, only weighs about 8 pounds--along with my big bag, my computer, my jacket, and a 6 pound bag of cat food. Then, going through security, I was asked to take both cats out of the carry case, and carry them through in my arms. "You've got to be kidding," I said, " I can't physically carry both cats without dropping one of the poor stressed animals who would be fighting to escape." After several minutes of consultation with the manager, the security person allowed me to take one cat out of the carry case at a time, and come back for the other one. Whew! Sanity prevailed.

When I finally arrived at Orlando at 10:30 pm, I found that I couldn't rent the car I reserved to drive the hour-and-a-half to my mom's house. I had enough money in my debit card to pay for the rental, but not enough to pay for the extra $200 I was going to be temporarily charged because I was using a debit card, and not a credit card. After several calls to my mother and sister I finally got in a taxi, and I was at my mom's by around 1 am.

It seems that no matter how much I am supported in a large transition, there is an intense passage at some point, similar to going through the birth canal.

It's taken me a week to recover from the physical and mental exhaustion of the past five months: moving with my cats to three different places, not feeling wanted at two of those places, stressing about lack of money and how to pay the few bills that I have, banging at closed doors that wouldn't open. Finally welcomed with my cats, I have allowed myself to collapse and sleep all I want, without concern about what I am here to do. But this morning I finally woke up feeling kind of happy, or at least looking forward to this adventure.

I don't know exactly why I am here, apart from finding relief from financial lack. However, based on the last week, I can say that some of the reasons that I am here may be:
  • to spend time with my mom and reconnect with my ancestors by hearing stories of my family.
  • to connect with my mom and family, in simple ways. I learned to play a card game that my aunt and mom play in the evenings, and after one day was able to beat them. Not everything in life has to be spiritual, I am finding out.
  • to get another perspective from the one I've had for 14 years, since I moved to California. At the Center for Spiritual Living I heard Reverend Edward--a man whose funny and humble talks nourish me--say that to be whole we need to allow all perspectives, not just the ones that we agree with.
  • to loosen up from my holier-than-thou spiritual attitude that I've acquired since moving to California. I suppose that this attitude was a better one than the more-successful-than-thou material attitude I had in New York. But ultimately both attitudes serve separation and not oneness.
  • to learn to receive with grace. My mother loves to give and I have, in the past, repeatedly dismissed her gifts.
A friend asked me a few weeks ago, why I wasn't willing to get a full-time job given my financial situation. The answer is that I am letting my feelings of joy guide my decisions, rather than my fear of survival. Just reading a job description for a full-time corporate job makes my stomach turn. By not over riding this clear message, I find myself where God intends me to be. And I can see the perfection in that.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Letting go of control and allowing miracles to happen

I apologize for not writing sooner. My life has gone from being stopped with endless time, to being quite busy as I move toward something new. Once again I am seeing that when I let go of my idea of what my life should be and follow God's lead, miracles start happening. The lesson from the Course in Miracles that I am finally starting to get is: God's Will for me is perfect happiness. Having surrendered, I am starting to feel quite happy.

It seems that one after another, doors were closed for me in California. The tutoring job that I had been promised didn't happen. I wasn't given even one student. The house I thought I could share with an ex-housemate didn't happen, as he now has a cat who wouldn't get along with Max. Everywhere I turned, I found shut doors. And if you read my last blog, I finally got a hit that I was ready to leave California. The only door that was open to me was moving to my mom's in Central Florida.

My mother is 84 years old and in good health. She has a 3-bedroom house in Florida, across the street from her sister, and a few minutes drive to the beach. She loves to garden, cook, and she loves me and the cats. And I get along really well with her. Living with my mom is easy. She has invited me to come stay with her over and over. So finally I had no choice but to say "yes, I am moving to Florida." And lo and behold, miracles started happening.

First miracle was that a friend who lives near my mom, in a beautiful house right on the beach, bought me two tickets with her miles. (I need two tickets because I have two cats that I am taking on board with me.) Then, she told me she was making a key for me, so that I could have access to her beach house. Woo hoo! Another friend offered to take me to the airport. Money started showing up--just enough for me to meet all my expenses. I thought of selling my car, but wasn't able to. Hmmm...I thought, this means that I must be coming back.

Sure enough, last week I stopped by to say hi to the mother of a friend. We started talking and it turns out she has a beautiful house in Chico that she isn't using. She said I would be the perfect house sitter. And she loves cats. So it seems to me that I will spend a nice, long vacation in Florida with my mom and then return to start a new life, free of the struggle to pay the rent.

And all of a sudden my social life is abundant. Friends here are taking me out for dinner and brunch, and even coming down from Ashland to visit me. Friends on the East Coast are planning to visit me in Florida. And I am waking up to the fact that it's time to spend time with my mom, whom I have only been seeing for a week every couple of years.

Many friends, whose mothers are no longer alive, have said to me: "You will never regret spending this time with your mother." I know in my heart this is true, but I had to be forced into it. And I am finally feeling very free, and very happy, and connected with so many friends and family.

Did I mention that my mom makes a mean spanakopitta??

God's will for me is perfect happiness. Indeed.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

When spirituality becomes twisted

Perhaps it's time to leave California. Signs are showing up that I no longer belong here. One of the signs is that when ever I attend anything "spiritual" I find how spiritual concepts are being misused. Like the friend who considers himself a guru and is seducing and being seduced by his "devotees". He is one with everyone and feels unconditional love and is free. That's what he tells himself. From my perspective, I want to vomit. That's a sign to me that something is off.

Well this morning I found myself yelling at a woman because I had had it with her new age concepts. (So much for the Course in Miracles.) Anyone who knows me, knows I love my cats--and really all cats. I saw Max, my alpha cat, looking out the window at a red cat in the garden. The red cat seemed lost and scared. I went out to check on him, but he left. Five minutes later a woman drove up asking me if I had seen a cat. Yes! I was so relieved, this cat wouldn't stay lost.

Apparently she was driving from Forestville to Lake Tahoe, and had the cat in the car without a carry case (mistake #1.) The cat jumped out of the car. Her main concern seemed to be that she had to be in Lake Tahoe at 4 pm to celebrate her birthday. She didn't really have time to look for the cat. She spent five minutes calling to him half heartedly and then gave up. "I can't do this to myself," she said to me. "I'm too upset." Hmmm...This seemed to be about her and not the cat.

Then she handed me a can of tuna and asked me if I'd give it to her cat if I saw him. She wouldn't be back for two days. "So you're going to leave your cat lost, thirsty and hungry, for two days?" I asked her. "I assume you'll be coming by to find him on your way back?"

"Well, I might, if I'm not too broken hearted over this," she replied. OK, that didn't compute. She would be broken hearted over losing her cat, and so couldn't come back to look for him??? At this point she wasn't making any sense to me. Then she started telling me how her cat was doing this to punish her, describing the cat's astrological signs, and saying that she trusted he would be fine.

OK, I had had enough. "Enough of this airy fairy new age bullshit!" I yelled at her. "This cat is lost and frightened. You put him in the car without a carry case. You let him escape. And now you can't take the time to find him? You committed to take care of this being. How about taking responsibility??"

She looked at me and asked, "Are you from New York?"

Despite my anger, I had to laugh to myself. "Yes, I am," I said. "And I am so tired of this California spiritual bullshit way of not taking responsibility."

"I'm from New York too," she said. And as she got in the car to leave, leaving her cat behind and homeless, she said to me, "Perhaps you need to be in California longer."

"I've been here 14 years," was my answer. And I would need a lobotomy to get to the point where you are at, I thought to myself. And perhaps it is time to leave Northern California and find a less "spiritual" place where spiritual concepts aren't used to justify indulgence and self-centeredness. Or perhaps I just need to see reflected in this gross projection, what I have bought into for so many years that I need to let go of.

Monday, September 19, 2011

A fond farewell to a little Crystal

This blog is humming with activity lately, and I appreciate everyone's input. But today, rather than address any of the questions being asked, I need to write about a heart-break that one of us is experiencing--the death of her seven year old daughter in a plane crash.

Yesterday morning I was getting ready to go to my version of church (the Center for Spiritual Living) when I thought I'd check my emails. A close friend who reads and participates in my blog, had sent me an email with a subject line that pretty much said her life was over. A little dramatic, I thought to myself, until I opened the email and read that her estranged husband and her seven year-old daughter had died in a plane crash that morning. She had received a call at 3:30 am with the news.

Oh, my God! I forgot about the church and called her, hoping she would answer the phone. She did. All I could say was "I'm so sorry," and cry. She cried with me. I never met the little girl, but she had touched my heart in many ways. Last year, she wrote one of my posts on miracles (October 21, 2010.) She was a miracle walking, and I called her the little Crystal, as she clearly was one of the wise crystal children who came to this world as an enlightened little being. I loved hearing her remarks. Once, when her older brother asked her, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" she looked at him as if he was stupid and replied, "What do you mean? I am." Who needs to sit with gurus when you have a child like that?

I hoped that I would meet her one day, and imagined the kind of woman she would grow up to be. Stronger and more beautiful than her mother (and that's saying a lot) and wiser than her dad. " You are wise," my friend asked me on the phone yesterday. "Why do you think this happened?" I have no idea. I won't even try to figure this out nor will I offer any spiritual platitudes. All I can over my friend is the space for her to have her sorrow, and the knowledge that I love her and am here for her. I can't possibly understand her pain, though I can cry along with her.

A friend told me that in some villages, at times like this, the entire tribe gets together and wails along with the mother. This blog, in a way, is one of her tribes. So please feel free to share your love with my friend who is in pain.

I love you, my sister, and I am here for you.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Is it possible to have an intimate relationship that is joyful?

I haven't written for a while, because I seem to be going through my own process. I no longer seem to have answers, as much as I have questions. Usually my questions revolve around money and life purpose. But the last few days, to my surprise, my question is about relationships between men and women. Is it possible to have a committed sexual relationship that does not cause suffering, but instead is joyful and supports spiritual growth?

That seems to be my question these days, because it has become clear to me that I have never had a joyful intimate relationship with a man--except perhaps for the first couple of months. No matter who the man is, my issues of abandonment always come up, which then cause him to shut down and leave. That's my painful pattern which has repeated over and over again. I have friends who have other painful patterns: they get abused, or they get suffocated from attention. I so can't imagine that. I just get ignored, never making it on his priority list.

Whatever our relationship pattern is, it is calling us to heal. I get it. So I have worked on issues I've had with my father not having any time for me or with God abandoning me. It seems to be the same issue. And still, I find myself involved with men who profess to love me, if and when they remember that I exist. Recently many of my illusions have dropped away and I'm clear that this non-existent relationship is not a partnership.

If the kind of partnership exists that is loving, supportive, and joyful, I would really like to be in one. If, on the other hand, all sexual relationships are about painful ways to learn lessons, then I'm done. I'm too old and no longer hormone-driven to suffer in order to be with a man. The Course in Miracles talks about such "special" relationships being based on hate rather than love. I have seen how easily love turns to hate, so I believe this. The only hope that the Course offers is that these special relationships can turn into holy relationships, which support our finding our way Home.

I'd love to hear from others, as I truly do not know the answer to this question. Is there such a thing as a committed sexual relationship which is joyful and supports truth?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

No longer answering questions, but questioning answers

Earlier this year I attended a wonderful workshop by Donald Epstein ( called the Ultimatum. One of the first things he said to us was, "I'm not here to help you answer your questions. I'm here to help you question your answers." Truer words were never said.

Lately I've been questioning my answers. Yesterday I was at my health club sitting by the pool (yes, I'm back in the world, and I love it!) I started talking with a gentleman who was probably a little older than me, and surely a bit wiser. My conversations are rarely superficial, as that bores me to death. So he asked me what the word "choice" meant to me. My reply was something like, "At any moment when I am making a decision, I have a choice--between self-betrayal and freedom." He smiled at me and gently said, "Wow. So black and white. Do you have any shades of gray in your life?"

Well, that gave me pause to think. It seems that I don't have much room for the gray areas. So my lessons come in extremes. I'm either earning a six-figure income or I'm totally broke. I'm either feeling the perfection of creation or I'm in hell. Whew! It's not easy being me. An astrologer once told me that I was born during a full moon. That means that I experience life in extremes. Hmmm...Can there be another way?

I also realized in talking to this gentleman, that while I think I want to be a speaker, I am no longer passionate about delivering any message. What the hell do I know? I'm just trying the best I can to evolve. And what is medicine at one point in my life--a spiritual teacher for example--can be poison later on. I don't want to preach to anyone. I don't know the Truth with a capital T. All I know is what is showing up for me in each moment. If I'm suppose to be speaking at some point, then it will happen organically. I cannot force it. Whatever gifts I have to offer, I can let God decide how they will be used.

Last night I came to this conclusion. I really don't have to figure things out. If God wants me to speak or write, He will create a venue for me. Otherwise it's just my ego, as an old friend once told me. This morning when I opened the Course in Miracles at random, I received the following: I need add nothing to God's plan. But to receive it, I must be willing not to substitute my own in place of it." Ok, God. I got it. What a relief. I don't have to have all the answers or really any answers. But perhaps I can ask some good questions, or help others to ask their questions.

So I invite you readers, to start asking questions in my blog. I'll write my own (most likely extreme) perspective and then we can open it up for discussion. But please don't ask questions that come from the mind. Let's up the ante. Ask questions that come from your heart, your soul, or even the deepest darkest depths of your despair. It's all welcomed here. You are welcomed here.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

A new model for women

If you read the many comments on my last post, you will notice that some of them are, shall we say, far from loving. While I was happy to have some interaction going on in the beginning--I always wonder if anyone except a few close friends reads my blog--towards the end I found the comments to be painful. A friend was being attacked, and while I value freedom of speech I could no longer sit by and watch.

I stopped writing in my blog a few years ago for the same reason. Some unknown guys were attacking me every time I wrote. They weren't discussing the issues, but instead were telling me what an old hag I was, how I was flat chested, on and on. I was surprised to find that these comments really threw me off, that they hit the core of who I believed myself to be. I believed myself to be attractive, desirable, etc. The comments served to wake me up to the fact that I had given my life force to maintain that image, but it was time for the image to shatter.

Since then I have noticed the misogyny that exists in the world. I didn't notice it when I was young, looked good, and men were after me sexually. But I started noticing it in my mid-fifties. I noticed that men had stopped smiling at me, and that I had become invisible. That was the best case scenario. The worst case was that I was being attacked for speaking my mind.

So what to do? Do I shrivel up into a corner and keep quiet to stay safe? What kind of a life is that? Or, like Shandi, do I say that what you think of me is none of my business, and go out and live a full life speaking my truth? This culture seems to have only a couple of role models for women: Being sexy, gorgeous and young, in which case you can say any absurdity and everyone still adores you; or being motherly, loving, safe, and quiet. Personally it would be stupid of me to try to be the former, that's a losing battle. And motherly, loving, safe and quiet just aint my type.

So time to create some new role models for women. One of them is the outrageous, older woman who is outspoken and doesn't care what others think of her. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Telling the truth about what we really want

We always teach what we need to learn. I believe that. And I tend to write about telling the truth and knowing what you really want. That's what my book is about. So I was shocked to discover, a few days ago, that I haven't been telling the truth to myself about what I really want. At least not recently.

My realization started when a friend asked me if I would consider moving back to New York. No, was my immediate reply. But as we talked I realized that while I didn't miss New York, I missed its sophisticated elegance. I missed being in a large city that has great restaurants. I missed wearing nice clothes. I don't like funky. I feel that the little town I'm living in is too small--asphyxiatingly small. And I don't fit in. I'm not a hippy type. I like nice dresses and I still wear make up. Finally, I came to the realization that I don't belong in this cute little town. That's why my friend had asked the question about New York. She saw that I was like a fish out of water here as well.

To my chagrin, I realize that I've been doing what I detest: a spiritual bypass. I have been putting a positive spin on something that doesn't work for me. "Oh, this is such a cute town!" Yes, but I need to get out of it. "Oh, there's such a nice community!" Yes, but it's not my community. It's not my tribe. I don't fit in. I don't care for gardening, or composting, or living with others in a communal setting. Even if that's the spiritually correct thing to do, it's not what I want to do. I've been imposing outside values on myself. Who knew?

So I had to tell myself the truth first, before I tell you the truth. I'm not happy in this life style. I am longing for expansive horizons. I am longing to feel at home somewhere. And I have to let go of the new age beliefs that the world is ending in 2012, and that we need to be near a food source. We need to be where our heart is calling us. We need to be with our tribe. So my question to God lately is, Where is my tribe?

Or as the Course in Miracles would say: God, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say? And to whom? Since I can't trust myself lately, I figure I'll put my trust in God and pay attention to the answers that come my way. What excites me and gives me joy? It's been a long time since I felt this way and I don't want to wait any longer.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

From the Valley of Death back to Life

Things continue to open up, and shifts are occurring almost constantly, catching me by surprise--in a good way.

A couple of days ago I was laying in bed and realized how much time I spend not moving: I'm either sitting at my computer writing my blog or editing, or I'm laying in bed reading a book. Even with a very fast metabolism, my body certainly isn't what it used to be when I was working out. As I have been dealing with survival issues and other intense interactions, going to the gym has not been in my consciousness. But all of a sudden, a few days ago, my body said to me: time to get back to the world and to your body. Let's find a gym.

I have to admit that some of the inspiration came from having lunch with a friend I've known since my New York days. Twenty years ago we worked out at the same gym on Sixth Avenue and were both in great shape. This time, she looked great and I felt like the Pillsbury dough girl. When I commented on how good she looked, she confirmed that at 65 she's in the best shape she has ever been in. Apparently she had worked out and done Pilates by the time we met for lunch. I had woken up at 10 am, meditated an hour, and barely had time to get dressed to meet her. Hmmm...

In the past my incentive to work out was to look good, to fit into sexy little mini-skirts. Well, I gave away the mini-skirts years ago. This time, rather than looking forward to the results, I was looking forward to the process. I checked out three gyms yesterday and two of them have specials going on. A really great health club in Santa Rosa, Parkpoint, is giving a free week's pass. Today I got myself out of bed early (by my standards) and drove to Santa Rosa to sign up. I had my first yoga class in probably six months. In the beginning it seemed easy, but half way through I was doing more "child poses" than anything else. Wow. If you don't use it, you lose it.

Still, I felt glad that I was there, and that I was with other people, in an environment of relative luxury. I felt as if I were returning back to the world after a long foray into the Valley of Death. At the end of the yoga session the instructor said something that really hit a cord. She said, "The body is our tool for awakening. We need to honor it and take care of it." Hmmm...I have barely remembered that I have a body, except for feeding it.

I left feeling energized and happy. The sun was shining, it was 79 degrees, the convertible top was down, and country music was playing on the radio. I noticed the scenery around me and the smiling people. I decided to take myself to one of my favorite, and least expensive, restaurants, Papas and Pollo, in Sebastopol. While eating I called my mom on my cell phone, and had a long talk with her. Life. I was beginning to feel alive again. The death cycle seemed over--at least for now. And I was glad.

I'm realizing that being spiritual isn't about praying and meditating all the time. It's about honoring the cycle you are in, and what is giving you joy. It's all good, unless you are buying into somebody else's idea of what you should be doing. Now if I'm meant to keep working out, a way to pay for the gym will show up. We shall see...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Those who have, will have more...

Yesterday I was reading a book, Practicing the Presence, by Joel Goldsmith, a Christian enlightened teacher who always rings true to me. In one of his chapters he explains something that has been happening to me. He discusses the statement, "He that hath, to him shall be given; and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath." While this sounds like a cruel statement, I understand it and feel that I am finally living it.

Lately, despite the fact that to the outside world I have so little, I have been surprised to find myself feeling really abundant. My focus seems to be constantly on what I have. As I sit in this cute cottage writing this post, I feel so lucky to be living in this peaceful home with a kind woman. I can go to the grocery store and buy whatever food I want. How abundant is that, after having to weigh every bit of lettuce? I can go to a free Shakespeare concert in the park that's right next to my house. I have all the time I need to sleep, to meditate, to read, to edit, to write. I have friends who visit or call, who invite me to various events. I have. And as a result I find that more things are coming my way.

Unexpectedly, an aunt to whom I lent money decades ago can pay some of it back this month. This money will help me move. I received a card from my mother yesterday with some money in it to do something fun. I had forgotten it was my name day. A girlfriend showed up with some new delicious moisturizer she just concocted. The goodies keep coming, and I feel overwhelmed by riches. To say that I am poor right now is an outright lie.

Goldsmith talks about not connecting our work with getting paid, but just doing work that shows up for its own sake. I find that this is what I'm doing. Each day I have a project to work on. Today I'm editing a chapter, yesterday I wrote a story, the day before I worked on some excel spreadsheets. None of this is Earth shattering. It's just what's showing up, and I don't expect to get paid much for it. So I do the work, to the best of my ability, and my needs are taken care of in a magical kind of way.

When I was working for the high-tech company, I was well aware that every hour I put in meant $90 in my pocket. While that sounds like a lot of money, the mentality that the source of my supply was this corporation, was one of scarcity. When I lost the job, I focused on what I didn't have, and even the little I had was taken away. Makes sense.

At this stage in my life, God is the source of my abundance. While abundance may come through various people, I don't confuse these people as being my source. And rather than having the drudgery of putting in time to get a paycheck, I get to do work in each moment that I am inspired to do, and marvel at the miracles of abundance that constantly occur.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Outside the matrix: A new way of being

I apologize for not writing sooner. Strangely enough, despite my impoverished status, I am really busy working. Things are showing up for me to do, and despite the fact that they pay very little, I feel called to do them. As a result I am working as much as I did when I had a six figure income, and if I don't assign monetary value to my time I am being rewarded well. It seems that when you unplug from the Matrix, when life becomes simple, work shows up in strange ways, often through friends. And whether you are paid by them or not, your needs are met.

As I've mentioned before, my rent for the month is taken care of; in return I am editing my house mate's book. A friend who has a wonderful skin care line ( with the best quality essential oils and no preservatives--is supplying me with the best moisturizers, toners, cleansers, and serums that I have ever used. In return I am working on developing ROIs and a budet for her business. It seems that the skills I have developed over the last 35 years can still be used. And I am getting to try out some skills I didn't know I had, such as writing the story of Mary Magdalene for a friend's production. Woo hoo! How much fun is that?

Life has come down to the basics. I have shelter and food for me and the cats. Well, I also have the products that I like and need, such as skin care. It seems that I still get to color my hair by trading my skills there. Hmmm...I am not wanting for anything. Though I have had to let go of the idea of security. For example, I no longer have medical insurance. Apart from the fact that I just can't afford it right now, I refuse to bet that I will get sick. Let God take care of my health. And I am not concerned if my credit cards are getting paid right now. The banks created this mess that has me unemployed, why should I give my life blood to them?

Yesterday as I was walking up the street where I live, I saw a homeless mom with her young daughter asking for money. I gave her a couple of dollars and talked to her--really talked to her. Like many others, she and her family had lost their home. They were living out of a motel. They were doing the best they could to get out of the hole they were in, and they were struggling. My heart went out to her. I gave her another ten dollars--half the cash I have. And we hugged, for a long time. As the Matix--the old paradigm of corporate greed--is dying, those of us who are getting unplugged from it need to support each other. We will get through this, even if the economic system that we depended on does not.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The end of the middle class

A friend sent me an email by Michael Moore that discusses the end of the middle class. Apparently it started 30 years ago when Reagan fired all the air-traffic controllers and the unions did nothing about it. Moore talks about an almost mythical time when only dad had to work, where mom stayed home with the kids, where the family owned the house they lived in and it was paid for, where kids went to college for free, where the work week was only 40 hours and people actually got a weekend off. Those days are long gone.

I used to be part of the middle class. Well, actually back in the 1980s I was part of the upper middle class. I remember attending events in New York that cost $5,000 a plate and spending thousands of dollars shopping for suits for work. Then I downsized, moved to California, and became middle class. At least I was middle class up until last year when my contract with a high-tech company I was working for ended. At the time I had medical insurance, paid my taxes, and could afford to go out to nice restaurants with friends. Well, those days are gone.

At this point I am living below whatever the poverty level is. I have sold most of my belongings and am living--at least this month--with a woman whose book I am editing. I don't know where my cats and I will be living next month. I don't remember the last time I bought clothes, and frankly I don't need any. Shopping seems absurd. I am on food stamps and feel grateful that I have shelter and food. It's gotten down to basics.

However the upside of this is that I am beginning to feel a sense of freedom that I didn't have before. I have so little to lose that I cannot be threatened, not by banks and not by the IRS. My life has simplified and I enjoy the little pleasures of living in a community: singing Wednesday nights at the local choir, participating in the production of a musical (I'm writing the story line), making dinner for a friend. Life has become more quiet, peaceful, and joyful, the way it was meant to be.

I'm not the only one losing my middle class status. Every day another friend loses her job or her home due to foreclosure. This, I feel, is just the beginning. As more of us lose our middle class status, we are not being asked to go back to the insanity of working 70 hour weeks for a corporation that just uses us up. I, for one, prefer the life I have now to that old paradigm. But we are being asked to show up and say "no" to the insanity of high taxes, of credit cards with 30% interest rates, and of working 24/7 to make some corporation rich. We are asked to show up as free beings who will no longer abide by the rules of an elite--rules that are not made for our welfare. We are asked to return to sanity in our lives.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The right to be me

I'm moving tomorrow--again. I just moved two months ago to share a house, and it didn't work out. I wouldn't follow the many rules my house mate/landlord tried to impose. The cats and I took too much energetic space. I wasn't willing--though I tried for a while--to make myself small enough to be invisible.

I realized this morning that this is a pattern. When I have money and live alone, I can be as large as I please. I can expand as much as I want. But when I don't have money and live with someone else, I feel as if I need to wear an energetic girdle to be acceptable. I walk slowly instead of at my usual fast pace. I stay in my bedroom instead of reading on the couch. I start whispering, as my voice is too loud. I no longer laugh as my laugh is too loud. Actually, I no longer feel like laughing.

So this morning I decided to do an internal journey, and meet the Despina who needs to stay small. I wanted to make peace with her, so that I could heal this very painful part of my life. The Despina I met was a little girl. Her father, who was in his sixties at that time, had no patience for kids running around, playing, being loud. So she learned that she needed to be quiet and still, to be accepted. Otherwise she would be kicked out of the living room, as her father wanted to sit on the couch and work on his cross word puzzles. How interesting. I managed to play this out with my landlord, who though only a few years older than me started acting like a father figure.

I know that when external circumstances are painful, they are calling me to heal something within myself. When there is an intense pattern repeating, it's usually a deep childhood issue that needs to heal. Nothing changes in my external world until my internal world shifts. In my visualization journey I also realized that my main health issue goes back to this same Despina who needs to stay small. Despite the fact that some people think I have a large energy, I actually have very little physical energy. I can make myself rise to the occasion when I need to, but then I need to rest for days. I've always thought that I had chronic fatigue or hypothyroidism. But I believe that all illness comes from the mind. And I must have decided when I was young that having too much energy--which I assume as a five year old I had--was not a good thing.

Healing cannot happen until there is awareness of the root cause. Today I am walking around thinking, I have the right to have energy. I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be large. And I have the right to live in a home where I am welcomed the way I am. The last two months have been among the most intense months of my life. Today continues to be intense. But I finally am feeling relief as once again, I take a leap of faith into the unknown.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Life becomes fun when you start saying yes

A while ago I mentioned that I wanted to shift from saying no to things that I don't want (which is a necessary emptying out) to saying yes to things that I do want. I prayed for things to show up that I would be able to say a true yes to--things that I would feel happy doing. And lo and behold, my prayer was answered.

First, a friend invited me to go to a Wednesday night gathering in Sebastopol called the Love Choir. A group of musicians and non-musicians gather together to sing mostly old hippy songs from the 60s and 70s. My first reaction was to say no, but then I stopped myself. Why was I saying no? I like to sing, and while I'm not great at it, I'm not too bad either. I can carry a tune. When I'm happy I automatically sing in the shower. Maybe it would work the other way around too. Singing would make me happy. And it did! The music was good; the people were loving; and I had a blast. I believe this was one of those breakthrough moments. From this point on, my life shifted from being a hellish nightmare of things I didn't want, to an exciting adventure of new, fun things coming into my life. And abundance came into my life as well.

The next day I opened the mailbox and there was a card from a generous friend, with two gift cards--one for gas and one at Safeway. Yes! I spent a wonderful hour buying things that I hadn't been able to by in a long time. Then my hair colorist called to ask if I would consider doing a trade with her. She was looking for a name for her new salon and asked if I would do research to come up with one. She gave me the parameters and while I wasn't sure I could be that creative, I said yes. Within a day I had found the perfect name for her, and the next day I was getting pampered at her salon--something I thought I could no longer afford.

That wasn't the end of it. My network chiropractor called to ask me if I would do a trade with her. I hadn't been able to have a session with her for months due to lack of funds. The trade was something totally fun. I would host a booth at the Santa Rosa Farmer's Market the end of the month. How perfect.

To my surprise the only challenge I had was when my landlord/house mate asked me to move out, as our living together really wasn't working for either of us. Still, I found that I could say a resounding yes to that, from the deepest part of my being, despite the fact that I had no cash and no place to go to. Within a day I met a woman who had written a spiritual book that needed editing. She offered me a place to stay for a month in addition to a payment. It's a lot of work but it's work that I enjoy, that I feel serves a purpose. And so I happily said yes to her offer.

Switching from saying no to saying yes continues to bring wonderful things into my life, things that give me joy and that are in sync with my values. Not only am I using talents that I know I have, but I am beginning to use talents that I didn't know I had. I had no idea I could be creative enough to come up with a new name for a salon. But I did it, and my comfort zone got pushed out a little more, and now I am willing to try more new things. What else can I say yes to?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

In my defenselessness, my safety lies

My intention is not to make this a blog about the Course in Miracles. However I find that the lessons, such as the one above, really speak to me and are relevant to what is going on in my life.

Last week I had a huge argument with my new landlord/house mate. I was feeling attacked and I attacked in return. We both yelled at each other, and finally he said, "That's it! I want you out of here in three days." It was very clear to me as well that I needed to move out. It didn't matter whether his request was legal or not. We were making each other miserable and each day spent in misery was a day too much.

So I brought my cats into my room and closed my door. I was feeling unsafe, alone, and helpless. I had no money and two cats, and who would take me in? I called my mother to see if I could move to Florida (I so can't see myself living there!) as I didn't see any other alternative. I emailed my siblings to see if they could send me the airfare. I called a friend who said she could store my things. OK, I wasn't alone. But I was in a house with a man who was angry at me and I didn't feel safe. I wanted to blame him for all my misery and make him the villain. And I did just that for a little while.

Then sanity prevailed. I prayed and opened The Course in Miracles at random, as I often do when I am suffering. And as is usually the case, the Course spoke to me. Will you forgive your brother his illusions? it asked me. Will you remember the good things? There is no sin and guilt, there are just mistakes that need correction. Make your brother guilty and you are keeping yourself guilty and in hell. Forgive your brother and you both get to Heaven.

What the Course was asking me to do went against every fiber of my body. All my friends would totally support me in feeling wronged. But I had a small amount of willingness and I prayed and meditated. The next morning I was able to send my landlord an email apologizing for yelling (the fact that he yelled didn't give me an excuse), committing to move, and offering him a gift--a painting of the ocean that I know he likes, as he is a surfer.

What came back to me was a very loving email. He was "flabbergasted" that I could see through his anger to his pain and not make him guilty. He was touched and sad. And he would help me. We still agreed that I needed to move, but we could end this in love.

That day I met a woman who had written a spiritual book that needed editing. We talked for a couple of hours and connected. When I told her of my need to move, she offered that the cats and I could stay in her house for the month of August, as I edited her book. She also offered to pay me a nice sum and gave me a deposit. For the first time in months I could fill my car with gas, have the oil changed, buy all the groceries and cat food that I wanted, and even go out for a bite to eat. I felt so abundant!

My landlord and I are back to being good friends, and we are working out the best way I can move. My shift from anger and attack to defenselessness really did result in my feeling safe and taken care of. The Course is so right, and following its advice really is the path out of hell to Heaven. According to the Course, anger is never justified. People are only doing one of two things: they are either extending love or crying out for love. Either way, love is the only sane response

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Balance is over-rated.

If you've been reading my blog lately you may have noticed that I am not very balanced. I seem to go from the depths of hell into the heights of heaven, sometimes within a day. If I pray, meditate, and stay in my heart and in the present, usually I find myself grateful and joyful. If I listen to scary thoughts from my mind--Oh my, God, how can I survive with no money??--then I find myself despairing, angry, and feeling hopeless. Let's face it. I'm not enlightened--yet. I don't even know what that means really, since words of enlightened masters cannot convey their experience. So I fall off the razor's edge so to speak. As long as I keep inquiring within and not blaming others or my circumstances, all my experiences serve.

Of course I would like to be comfortable, which I guess is what balance is all about. You are not swinging from one extreme to another: You are not terrified and despairing; But you also are not ecstatically blissful. How unbalanced is that? Really, you can only feel joy to the extent that you are capable of feeling suffering. Most people stay in the superficial realm, never going too high or too low. They are not enraged, they are merely impatient and frustrated. Hello? What do you think lies beyond that superficial frustration? They are not terrified of death, they are merely anxious all the time and running constantly. What do you think lies behind that anxiety? Everyone who is running non-stop is trying to run away from death. The only way to heal is to go to the source, and to go through the depths of all the feelings. Our fear is that we will stay stuck in hell. In truth there is a trap door that leads to freedom from there.

Society would have us stay balanced so that we can be functional peons. We can be unhappy, as long as we still go to work and don't hit rock bottom in despair. Hitting rock bottom might wake us up to actually healing ourselves. We can be content as long as we aren't wildly, passionately, ecstatic over life. After all, who can work in an office doing spreadsheets if they are wildly and passionately in love with life? Nope, you can't control ecstatic employees. So Society's response to any extreme is to medicate it. It's fine if a herd of compliant zombies is created as a result. They will tow the line and follow rules, no matter how insane the rules are.

I ask you, have any of the great men and women led balanced lives? Or were they driven to work non-stop at what their passion was, forgetting to eat and sleep? There is plenty of time to be balanced when we are dead. So let's forgo the antidepressants--unless there really is a serious chemical imbalance, which is unlikely--and face our fears and challenges. If we are depressed something is not working in our lives. We are betraying ourselves by either being in a loveless marriage, or by doing soul-deadening work, or by listening to others instead of our inner voice. So let's get to the source of our pain, heal it, and move on to joy. I for one am willing to meet death and terror to be free. Are you?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The ego is our only enemy

A few days ago I really got to see how ugly my ego is--not me, but my ego. First I felt fear hit me, then I went into a story about how nothing ever works out for me and how God has it in for me, then I wound up having a temper tantrum where I hated God. I keep saying "I" but really it was a murderous part that didn't seem like me. I felt possessed, as the killing rage kept coming up. I hate God, I kept telling myself. But then a more aware part of me said, This is a projection. You are the only one here. This is self-hatred. Bingo. It seems that I had hit the bottom of my ego, beyond all its nice masks of being loving and concerned or even sad.

The Course in Miracles talks about the ego as the enemy. The ego is not your friend. It wants you dead. And really, listening to the ego results in suffering and death--death of relationships, death of joy, death of love, and eventually death of the body itself. A good friend today pointed me to an excellent YouTube clip about the ego as our only enemy:

Joyce Meyer, a Christian minister whom I find speaks the truth and is inspiring, talks about the enemy as well. In Christian terms the enemy would be considered Satan or the devil, but really that is just a projection of our own ego. I watched a few videos on her website (, where she talked about not listening to the enemy. Why is it easier to listen to what the ego tells us, such as: I'm a loser; I'm never going to be happy; Nobody loves me; I don't deserve to be loved; I'm guilty; and the list goes on and on? Why is it easier to receive that, than to receive what God (and the Course in Miracles) tells us: that we are children of God, unconditionally loved, who are entitled to miracles?

Joyce asked that question and I find myself asking it too. So I followed her advice yesterday when ugly thoughts came up, thoughts such as nothing is ever going to work out for me, I'll never be happy, etc. I stopped in the middle of the thought and said, "I do not receive that!" These thoughts come from the enemy and I will not receive them. Instead I will receive God's thoughts. A miracle is in the works for me, and I am already grateful for it. Stay tuned...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

All fear is past and only love is here

This is my lesson today from the Course in Miracles. As usually happens, it's perfect for what is going on in my life at this moment.

The last day and a half I've been in a very dark place. What triggered it was finding out that I was probably going to share my house with someone who would not be my first choice for a housemate. His mind spins and he talks non-stop. There is no space for silence when he is around. At least that's what I told myself, as I fell into a dark vortex of despair. I'll have to move, I told myself. There is no way that I can live with him. I won't be able to write, or edit, or meditate, or earn a living, or have peace. I'm going to be in hell.

So without the man even being here, I put myself in hell with my fears. Then I started telling myself more stories, about how things never really work out for me, and how God promises me heaven and always delivers hell. The relationships that I think will give me pleasure wind up causing suffering. This house that I moved to, that I thought was a little piece of heaven, was turning out to be hellish as well.

That's it, I told myself, God has it in for me. I am done with Him. I am no longer praying or meditating or doing the Course in Miracles. God's just a sadist. And I proceeded to cut all ties with God. I went into meditation (I thought I said I wouldn't meditate) and had all the gods come up to me as I said goodbye to them. Goodbye to Lakshmi, you haven't been delivering prosperity. Goodbye to Kali, you are a bitch who has made my life miserable. Goodbye to Jehovah, you abusive patriarch. Hmmm...It seems I wasn't saying goodbye to God but to the gods, the idols, to whom I had given my power away. Christ showed up. I couldn't get myself to say goodbye to him. All I could say is, "I won't worship you. I will only consider you my brother and my friend." And that seemed alright.

Slowly, I found myself getting out of hell. What was I so afraid of? This man, who will probably be moving in, is a nice man going through a hard time. He needs love and support. He needs to be welcomed. I don't have to support his many stories--in fact I am clear that I won't. And I will ask for silence in my space, during certain hours. I can have my needs met and I can still be kind and support him. I have committed my life to help end suffering, my own and others. God is giving me an opportunity to walk my talk. And for that I am grateful.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I am entitled to miracles

This is my lesson today from the Course in Miracles. Not "I hope for miracles," or even "I expect miracles," but I am entitled to miracles. A few days ago I completed the 365 lessons from the Course, and now have started opening the book at random in the morning, to determine my lesson for the day. This lesson seems to be in sync with my mind set today.

I went to bed last night asking the question: What can I say yes to? Not a wobbly yes, but a strong, passionate, excited yes. Just asking this question left me feeling optimistic that good things would be showing up. I felt that I had taken scarcity and being limited to the extreme. My cup had been totally emptied out--from money, from furniture, from my home, from independence, from arrogance, from being in control. Now that the cup had been emptied of the things that needed to go, it could be filled with things that would bring joy to my life, such as an unconditionally loving relationship with a man; a writing career; a way to support myself that didn't involve boredom or stress; laughter and celebration with friends, etc.

Life seems to go in cycles. We breathe in, hold our breath, then breathe out. A wave goes into the ocean, stops, and comes back to land again. We experience an emptying out, a stopping, and then a fulfillment. The problem arises when we think, because we have been emptied out, that we will always be empty. We think that God has forgotten us, and there will only be loss in our lives. We go into fear and start worrying about the future. And then the good things can't come in.

We are not meant to get stuck in emptiness and loss. Like our breathing, we are meant to let the air out so that new air can come in. We are cleaning out the cup from the old, cold tea so that we can pour in a new flavor of hot, delicious, nourishing tea. OK, so my cup has been emptied and I have extolled the virtues of loss and emptiness. But I will not stay here holding onto an empty cup. I am entitled to miracles and I look forward to a full cup of joy soon.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Going from no to yes

Lately I've been dealing with many of the negative aspects of life, the things that I find painful: lack of money, the IRS, credit card debt, etc. As a result I have found myself saying no to many things that do not serve me. No, I will not work full-time at a job that I find boring and soul-deadening. No, I will not be part of the Matrix. No, I will not obey rules that don't make sense to me. No, I will not pay the IRS or my credit cards, if I am barely surviving. No, I will not stay in relationships that do not honor me, that feel abusive. No, no, no, no, no.

And I have to admit that I have felt good saying no. I have felt powerful. I have felt that I have been listening to my own guidance, and not agreeing to do things out of fear. But today two different friends talked to me about the possibility of switching from saying no to saying yes to life. When the first friend mentioned this, I felt that he wasn't getting where I was coming from. But he patiently talked about how saying yes to life opens up new horizons and gives way to abundance. "My prayer for you," he said, as we were driving through the lush country side "is that your life is as abundant as this lush nature, and that you are overflowing with everything that brings you joy." OK, I could accept this prayer. Then a few hours later a girlfriend told me how she had switched to saying yes to life, and how that was opening all sorts of doors for her.

I knew they were both right, but I found myself feeling angry. I didn't realize how much anger I was holding around being pushed to my limit financially. Getting in touch with that anger was a good first step. Then I asked God to help me switch to a yes. I started with little things. Yes, to the ice cream sandwich. Yes, to the check that my brother sent me to pay the rent. Yes, to the often intense relationship I have with a man who has been in my life for four years. For four years I have refused to even acknowledge that I am in relationship with him. OK, that's a good start.

I read a story a while ago about the three different levels that people exist in:
  1. The first is the camel, self-satisfied and half asleep, doing whatever is asked of him without question.
  2. The second is the lion, who wakes up and starts roaring "no" when he realizes how he has been betraying himself.
  3. The third is the innocent child, enthralled by the wonder of the world.
Going from the camel stage to the lion stage is a good first step. But moving to the next stage of the innocent child is saying "yes" to everything that life has to offer. And that is when life becomes joyful and abundant.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The upside of not having money

There are a few good things about not having money--not many, mind you, but a few. One is that life becomes very simple. I can't drive around, or go out to restaurants, or plan trips, or invest money, or do most things that I would normally do if I had money. I can go for walks, or go to the library, or hang out in the garden, or play with my cats, or talk with friends, or write blog posts on my computer. It feels like God has stopped me and as a result I am being more present, noticing things that I would have missed before: the butterflies, the flowers, the wind, the trees, my cats.

Another good thing about not having money is that I have become very clear about my priorities. I only have so much gas in my car, so I think twice about where I am driving to. Yes, I will drive to Petaluma to go to Toastmasters, because speaking is important to me. No, I will not drive around aimlessly. When some money comes my way, I think twice before I spend it. Cat food is my top priority. I made a lifetime commitment to Max and Bradley--I am their steward--and I will take care of them no matter what. I am willing to skip a meal--or eat peanut butter sandwiches over and over again--as long as they are taken care of.

What are no longer priorities are the credit card companies and the IRS. A hundred year old woman was asked on the Tonight Show what the worse invention was in her lifetime, and her reply was "credit cards." I would have to agree. We have enslaved ourselves by buying stuff when we didn't have the money. And now it feels like the banks own us. Well, I am committed to paying off my debts if it's feasible. But when the economy is falling apart, and we middle class people have lost our jobs and homes due to the greed of bankers who are still rich, I will be damned if I starve myself or my animals in order to give more money to the banks. In the middle ages charging a 30% interest rate, which credit cards often do, would be considered a sin. And taxes of more than 10% were considered unreasonable when our country was founded. When did this change?

If by some chance I start earning the big bucks again, I will be happy to participate in normal, mainstream society. But right now, I am down to the basics: food and shelter. And the good news is that I recognize fears like going bankrupt, or a bad credit rating, or having a lean, as the illusions that they really are.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Trading in comfort for freedom

Most of us are going through huge transitions. I don't know anyone who is feeling very stable right now. Relationships are changing, jobs are going away, moves are happening. It seems that a giant hand is moving all the chess pieces around. Will we get to settle in one place again? Will we ever feel comfortable again? I don't know.

It seems that comfort and freedom are opposites. The more comfortable we try to make our life, the less freedom there is, the less adventure, and the less joy. So my guess is that the giant hand that is moving us around like chess pieces is not concerned with our comfort, but is more concerned with how alive we are. And how free. And how present.

For those of us who are having money problems, have you noticed that just enough money shows up in the nick of time, for our immediate needs? Not so much money that we can feel comfortable or secure, but enough to buy the groceries, or the pet food, or the gas, or something that is very important to us. We are being asked to live simply and to really identify what our priorities are. And we are being asked to live in the present.

I know that if I start thinking about next week I will freak out. There's another bill on its way; I don't have any money coming in; and I have no idea how I'm going to manage. So I stay in the present and ask myself, Am I OK, right now? Do I have food, right now? Do I have shelter, right now? Invariably the answer to all these questions is yes. I am OK, right now. So I stay in the present and I find that I grateful for the beautiful home that I am living in, even if I don't know if I'll be here next month. I am grateful for the friend who is cooking a delicious dinner and inviting me to join him. I am grateful that it's a beautiful day and there are butterflies fluttering around. I remain grateful.

Whatever is leaving my life was no longer giving me joy, but rather was a burden. Each day I notice that there is more freedom in my life. Each day I notice that there are more loving, generous, supportive people in my life. I am starting to recognize that I am not alone in this world. And I am happy to trade my comfort in for freedom and community.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Facing the bogeyman

Yesterday I decided to deal with one of my nightmares: the IRS. I still owe back taxes from 2001-2002 when the Internet crashed. While I was working, over the last five years, I was paying on a monthly installment plan. But this month there was no way that I could pay the fee. Not if I wanted to feed the cats and have food for myself. Since when did the IRS become a priority over my survival? I asked myself. Up until that point it hadn't occurred to me that I could call them and discuss the fact that I couldn't pay. It was time to face the bogeyman.

So with a knot in my stomach, I called the IRS phone number. There was a 15-minute wait, which made the knot even worse. Finally I heard a live voice asking if he could help me. I explained my situation. His first response, in a tone meant to engender fear, was, "You don't want to have a lean, do you?" I had to laugh to myself. A lean on what? I don't own a house. My car is old and not worth much. I don't have a paycheck coming in. Sorry, IRS. You can't scare me. And there was such a freedom in that realization.

I wound up getting a two-month deferment, just in case things work out and I can actually continue my payments to them. But if my financial situation doesn't improve, then I guess I'll have to call the IRS up again--but there will be no fear in that. It seems to me that the powers that be are blowing it. In order to control the population you have to keep people afraid. In order to keep people afraid they have to buy into the insane rules that, let's face it, are not for own good. So we are presented with bogeymen--like bankruptcy (been there, wasn't a big deal), lower credit scores (doesn't matter if you never intend to get a loan), not being able to get a credit card (now that's a blessing. I've given all of mine up)--to keep us obeying the rules. To keep us in line. To keep us in the herd. Bahhhhh. Bahhhhh. This sheep is not following the herd into the slaughter house.

So the good news, as our economy goes downhill and people lose their homes, their jobs, their money, is that we are being freed from illusions so that we can discover what really matters: family, friends, community, love, peace, freedom, joy...

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Feeling worthy regardless of the circumstances

I have been walking around feeling very happy and at peace the last couple of days. It's not because my circumstances have changed, as much as it is because my perspective has changed. Rather than pray for more money to come in, or for me to be able to live on my own again when I am upset with my house mate, I have been praying for the fear to be released. And it seems that a few days ago some miracle healing occurred and I stopped being afraid.

The fear was about having to obey someone else's rules and being under his control, because I didn't have money. When I was working at a six-figure job this issue didn't come up. I felt that I had freedom, and power, and that I could say exactly what was on my mind. But I finally saw how different I was when I was broke. When I didn't have any money or job, I felt unworthy. I felt that no one wanted me around and I needed to obey their every command or I would be kicked out and be homeless. Basically I felt like Cinderella, trying hard to please the people I was with, but nothing ever being enough. And agreeing to unreasonable terms and feeling angry and like a victim.

Well, this is the third time this pattern has happened, and I realized that it would continue to occur until I healed this false belief that I am worthy of love--or even of being alive--only when I have money. Damn! I have been so hooked up to the Matrix for so long that there are still tendrils of it putting me in hell. Of course no one can make your life hell if you don't let them. We imprison ourselves with our fears.

So my circumstances haven't changed much, but I have. I am back to saying exactly what is on my mind, back to saying "no" when a request seems unreasonable, and it doesn't matter that I don't have money or even another place where I could stay. I am being myself, and myself does not change just because my outside circumstances do. Whether I am unemployed and broke, or a vice president earning a six-figure salary, I am who I am. I am free. I am.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Doing work that makes us happy

Today I did something that I haven't done before. It may even change my life. Who knows? So what is this big thing that I did? I wrote an article and submitted it to a magazine that actually pays writers $250-$500 for an article. The magazine seems to be perfect for me. It's called Guideposts and it is a "monthly inspirational, interfaith, non-profit publication written by people from all walks of life. A typical Guideposts story is a first-person narrative written in simple, dramatic, anecdotal style." Hmmm...Well that seems right up my alley.

It's surprising to me that I hadn't thought of doing this, until a good friend suggested it yesterday. Then I remembered that I had had a psychic reading a couple of months ago, where I was told that my future work involved writing articles for magazines and counseling people. At the time I thought that I would love that kind of a life. Writing and counseling wouldn't feel like working at all, as these are things that I would do whether I was paid or not. But I saw this life in some distant future. It hadn't occurred to me that I could actually start living this way now.

But hello... I have downsized enough that I could earn my living if I sold three stories a month--maybe four. How much fun would my life be if that was the case! I essentially wouldn't have to work--ever. How funny that when something comes very easy for us, we don't value it. We think that work is suppose to be hard, otherwise they wouldn't call it "work." We have it all backwards. God wants us to be using the gifts that He gave us to serve Him. He does not want us to be miserable trying to do something that at worse is stressing us to death and at best is boring us. What kind of a loving God would want his children to live like that? Could this be why I can't find work doing analysis, or editing, or tutoring?

So today, for the first time, it occurred to me to see if I can get paid doing something that I love, that comes naturally for me, that nourishes me and others, and that I would do--that I do--without getting paid. I can picture my guides and angels jumping up and down saying, "Whew! She finally got it! How can anyone be so dense?" Time will tell if I am right.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Opening the prison doors

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days of my life. That's saying a lot, as I have had some doozies. But yesterday I hit rock bottom. I was in hell. It wasn't just that it was really hot and there was no air conditioning. It wasn't just that I had five dollars to my name, after buying some cat food, and no idea where any more money would come from. I could deal with that. What threw me into hell was feeling that my relationship with my new landlord/housemate wasn't working. I felt as if I was in prison, having to obey one house rule after another--many of which were around my cats. My cats, who I could see were miserable with all the restrictions imposed on them.

I felt I had no choice but to obey every rule. What if my landlord got really upset and threw me and the cats out? What if we were homeless? All these fears put me in panic mode. I had no freedom, I felt. I couldn't make my own decisions where I lived. If only I had money, then I would have freedom. That was my thought. And I got to see it. This is what has been running my life. I need money to be free. Is that true? I could hear my friend who does Byron Katie work ask me. Well, no. No one can put me in prison except myself. I don't have to obey any one's rules if they don't make sense to me. I do, however, have to be willing to suffer the consequences.

I guided myself through a visualization, to find the shadow Despina who was in prison. I wanted to make peace with her, and so I asked her to talk to me. She told me that prison was the best place for security. All you had to do was obey the rules, and you would get three meals a day and have a roof over your head. So what if there was no freedom, no play, no love, no passion, no purpose. At least you were secure in prison.

Hmmm... I got to see how I imprison myself to be secure, over and over. If it's not with a job that I don't love, it's with a person who I think can provide me a home and security. Clearly this is coming up for me to heal. And I was glad I saw it.

Later that night, my landlord and I had a long talk. It started as an argument, but ended in a good heart place where we both opened up to each other and really communicated. I felt a surge of love for him, and miraculously the problems seemed to resolve themselves.

Today's lesson in the Course in Miracles is:
God's answer is some form of peace.
All pain is healed; all misery replaced with joy.
All prison doors are open.
And all sin is understood as merely a mistake.

I feel this to be true.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose

Well, here I am again, living on the edge. Yes, I have landed in a nice home but work hasn't shown up yet. There's food in the pantry, and actually my house mate cooks incredible meals so I am well fed. There was enough gas in the car to go to the Petaluma Toastmaster's meeting yesterday, but not enough to go to Petaluma again today. Work that seemed promising has not materialized yet. I know that things can change in the blink of an eye, and so I have to keep reminding myself to stay in the present: Am I OK right now? Do I have food right now? Do I have a home right now?

Right now
is the key phrase. I can't project myself even a week into the future as panic will arise. Living on the edge is keeping me in the present. In the present I am fine; if I project into the future I will be in hell. Sometimes I envy the people who think they have control of their lives--who invest and plan for their retirement. Planning is an attack against God, the Course in Miracles states. Whew! That's a relief. Let God lead the way, as I don't have a clue.

I'm not the only one in this predicament, though I may be an extreme case in this moment. Every where I turn, people who were well-to-do are losing their jobs and losing their homes. Why? I ask myself. So that they can unplug from the Matrix, comes the reply. So that they can find out where true security lies, not outside but within themselves. So that they can break through their fears and find freedom.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,
sang Janis Joplin. This seems true to me. The illusory fears that have kept us in slavery are vanishing. So what, if our credit rating comes down. What's in a number? So what if we have to file bankruptcy? So what, if we can't drive a new car, or buy new clothes, or be good consumers. We are being lead away from the Matrix which runs on fear and tries to keep everyone in the herd, to a place of freedom. But the shackles have to be removed. And they are. And they are.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

From a leap of faith to a smooth landing

First of all, I want to apologize for not writing sooner. It's not just that I was in the midst of downsizing, selling all my stuff, and moving. I was having trouble signing onto my blogger account. Just as well. Things were so unsettled it would have been difficult to write.

But finally I have landed in a very good place and I am happy. I am writing this post seated in the dining room of my new home, looking out the large windows onto a lovely neighborhood of cute houses with gardens filled with flowers. My cat Max, who is usually stressed for weeks after a move, is sitting peacefully on the couch, while my other cat Bradley is sleeping on my bed.

My new house mate is away during the week, so I have the entire place to myself. But I'm just as happy when he is here, as he has already become a close friend. We have already had long discussions about what's important to us, and we seem to be on the same wavelength spiritually--despite the fact that we come from very different backgrounds. Not to mention that he is an amazing cook. Saturday night is pizza night, and he makes his pizza from scratch--even making his own dough. Delicious.

The wonderful thing is that since I've only moved about half an hour north from where I lived, I still have all my old friends visiting. Actually one friend has decided to move up here too. At the same time my horizons are expanding and I am making new friends. Everything feels brand new and light. The heavy burden of high expenses and lots of stuff, has been lifted. I should be able to meet my monthly expenses easily, and this is a huge relief.

It seems that this shift has finally caused a window of opportunity to open. Finally, money seems to be flowing my way again. I just sold a painting today. A friend sold my pots and pans. I might have a book to edit soon. A student needs help with her MBA. All this came in today. This is how it always happens. When it's time to move the money supply stops. Once I move where I am meant to be, the money starts flowing again. Whew! My mantra these past couple of months has been a lesson from the Course in Miracles which states: I place my future in the hands of God.

Well, I have to say that no matter how scary it gets, letting God lead the way always works.

Monday, May 23, 2011

My "trust" fund is starting to pay off

I feel as if I took a leap of faith and have been in mid-leap for months. The problem with being in mid-leap is that there is no ground. And you don't know if you're going to crash, or have a net catch you, or if you will sprout wings and fly. Fear and common sense tell you that you're going to die. Something deeper in your heart says that you will fly. But you don't know for sure, so all you can do is check in on the compass in your heart, and see what you need to do in each moment.

I thought I was going to Brazil. I thought that I would be leaving the Bay Area behind and going on a healing adventure. In the beginning it looked like God (the Universe, whatever you want to call the All) was supporting me. I had a friend in Brazil. A friend here wanted to take care of my car. My mom was happy to have my cats. I could let go of all my stuff and make enough money for the trip. But to my surprise, my stuff wasn't selling. When it was selling it sold for much less than I thought it would. Six people showed interest in buying my Duxiana bed but changed their minds. Clearly I wasn't suppose to sell my bed.

It also became clear that there was no way I was going to Brazil. For one, I didn't have the money. But what clinched it was when I went to a gathering last Friday and met a group of women whom I really connected with. Why am I meeting all these women now, if I'm suppose to leave? I asked myself. It occurred to me that rather than going away, I was suppose to start participating in this community. Then I found out a visa was needed to go to Brazil. Then my friend in Brazil was admitted to the hospital for some urgent health issues. Finally, another friend called me to tell me about a dream she had that involved me. In her dream she was told that I wasn't going to Brazil. "I wonder why I saw that?" she asked me. "Well, because I'm not going to Brazil," was my response.

So where am I going? It looks like Sebastopol, just half an hour from my current residence. I found a great house share where the cats and I are welcome, the owner is gone during the week and during the summer, and my costs will be reduced to the point where I can actually support myself without having to have a "Matrix" job. I haven't quite landed yet, but I see the net and I feel wings starting to sprout. Whew! I have been dipping into my "trust" fund in a major way and now it seems to be paying off!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Trying to hear my inner voice amidst the noise of bad advice

I try not to write in my blog when I have issues coming up, but I feel I need to let friends know why I am not answering the phone these days. Since I am in the midst of chaos--leaving my house on June 5, selling all my stuff (or at least trying to sell it), and trying to figure out where I am going next--I find that it is painful to talk to friends. Their fears and worries about me do not support me, and what they think of as emotional support is anything but.

The first time I went through something similar, which was a decade ago, I was dating a lawyer. His advice to me was "Just get a job!" These days I've been dating a non-dual teacher. You would think that his advice would be better. Nope. "Get a job," he said. "No one wants to hear you speak. You're not going to be a speaker. That's just your ego." Well, perhaps I'm not meant to speak. Time will tell. But his idea of getting a job is working for some non-profit. Brilliant. I don't like doing office work. So instead of doing it for a large corporation and earning a six-figure income, let me do it for a non-profit and earn peanuts. I don't think so.

"Maybe it's time to do the logical thing," another friend says. The logical thing? I've worked for four years at something fairly boring to pay the bills and to pay off my debts. I've tried to downsize, got a room mate, and tried to get more work, including tutoring and editing. It's not happening. This is not the time to be logical. This is the time to be outrageous. I still see myself being in Brazil. We shall see.

Another friend calls me, just as I'm coming out of the shower. "Well, at least you have a shower, in this moment," she says. Great! Let's put that out there, that I won't have a shower and I'll be a dirty, homeless person. So how is any of this supportive??

Worrying about me is not supportive. Adding fears to my own fears is not supportive. Not trusting my path is not supportive. Giving advice is not supportive. So I am staying by myself, connecting to my inner voice, which is where the only true support can be found for me. And unless someone is calling to buy my stuff or with any practical solutions to my dilemma, I am not answering the phone. At least not until my world solidifies and I land where I am meant to be.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Noticed how strange the energy is, lately?

I'm not that much into astrology, though I do read any information I get that describes what is going on energetically with the planet. However this weekend I didn't have to read anything. I felt it. From my perspective it seems that we entered another dimension this weekend, and it is still going on.

I found myself so dizzy on Sunday that all I could do is lay outside on the grass and feel the sun. I couldn't read; I couldn't use the computer; I couldn't watch TV. I felt I had so much to do as I need to move the end of the month, but I couldn't do any of it. I just surrendered and rested. Towards the end of the day the dizziness went away (I never get dizzy or headaches) but it felt as if time had stopped. No one calling. Nothing to do. Just be.

Yesterday (Monday) I felt better physically and wanted to get things done. But I wasted my time. Everything that showed up was off. An email came from a friend saying she was in London and needed money. I was shocked for a moment and then realized it was one of these spam things. Someone asked me to write a proposal to edit her book, but I knew that she wasn't seriously interested, and said no, thank you. To which she replied that she was letting the book go as other things were calling her. (I knew that!) Someone called saying that he wanted to buy my bed, but didn't speak very good English and I couldn't understand him. I felt there was something off but agreed to have him come over and see it. He never showed up. These are the highlights, but the whole day was like this. Nothing was going to get done, and I found myself freaking out because I need things to be moving right now. I had to let it go.

I've checked with several friends who said they also felt the same way. One friend said that she canceled all her weekend plans--which included some tickets--and stayed home all weekend napping a lot. She felt that we and the entire planet are going through intense energetic shifts as the old way of being is dying off. The best we can do is keep our hearts open, was her recommendation. I would have to agree though my tendency is to become afraid.

Today I thought that there might be a shift in the energy, as someone called first thing this morning wanting to buy my dining room set. But nope, his wife just called to say she couldn't afford it. So this seems like another day that I need to surrender any desire for results or doing anything. I give up. At a time when my mind says that I need to be getting things done as I am running out of time, the energy out there tells me that nothing is going to happen. I can't go against the flow. It is a time of not knowing, and I have to be OK with that.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Freedom or Security? You have to choose.

A healer who came to my house yesterday said to me, " I learned a long time ago, when I was a young man, that you could have either freedom or security, but not both. I chose freedom." Well, I knew that too. When I followed my spiritual teacher I got very clear about my desire for freedom above all else. And for a while life was joyous, and exciting, and juicy. Money was not plentiful, but all my needs were taken care of, and every day seemed like a vacation. I couldn't wait to wake up and do my job. (You can read about this in my book, Not a Guru.)

But dog-gone-it, I like security. I like knowing that I have a consistent income. I like knowing that I can pay my rent. I like feeling safe and secure and comfortable. I like it so much that I keep recreating a pattern where I have a comfortable life, then comfort turns to boredom, then boredom turns to hell, then the comfortable life goes away. For a short while I panic and then I find myself taking a leap of faith, following some illogical direction, and creating a much happier life than I had before. That's how I moved from New York to California--the best decision I ever made. But life in New York had to become hellish before I would consider moving across the country, to a place where I didn't know anyone, didn't have a job, and didn't know how to drive. While this move seemed illogical, in hindsight it was the best move I ever made.

Now I find myself repeating this pattern and leaving California. Why this pattern? I ask myself. Well, part of it is that I am committed to awakening and it seems that comfort puts me to sleep. Or to put it another way, I am committed to freedom but I find myself a slave to security--working or struggling to keep my stuff and my house. And because God is merciful, He comes to wake me up. Oh, right. I want freedom, I remind myself. And the entire Universe shows up to support me. Then I remember that the only true security lies in trusting God, or rather in trusting the voice within me that points me towards truth.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing

This is probably the longest time that I haven't written in my blog. I apologize. My whole world has shifted and it was an intense process. I don't like writing until I have some clarity.

Helen Keller made the statement "Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." I remember reading this when I first moved to California and was experiencing a new life. At the time my life had become an adventure and I could relate to this. Somewhere along the line,though, I forgot. I don't remember the last time that I had an adventure. For four years I worked in my office, by myself, doing excel spreadsheets and getting paid well to do them. When I first got the position I was thrilled. Finally I could pay off debts. It was fun to be in the business world again. But as the years wore on, everything became routine and comfortable. I found myself getting bored and being boring.

Then the job went away. I gulped as I liked the security I thought I had. But I also felt the freedom of not being tied to my computer. Unfortunately this freedom was accompanied by fear. How would I pay my rent? What else could I do to support myself? No matter what I tried, nothing really took off. This wasn't surprising, as my heart wasn't in anything that I tried to do. But for several months I managed to make ends meet--barely. This past week however it became clear that the lifestyle I had was not sustainable. I could no longer hold it all together. I gave notice that I would be leaving my rental on May 31.

What I thought would be my worst nightmare became my saving grace. I realized I could let it all go--sell all my stuff and create something new. So I am taking my cats to Florida to stay with my mom, and I am going to Brazil for two months to be with John of God. Apart from this being a healing place, I am finding myself so excited about this adventure. And not surprisingly, the money is starting to flow again, as people are showing up to buy my stuff.

Last night I watched a movie called Pleasantville. It was about a black and white TV show in the Ozzie and Harriet format from the 1950s. Everything was secure, and known, and predictable. But then two teenagers from the real world went into this show and real life showed up with its messiness, passion, and creativity. And slowly the black-and-white people and their surroundings turned into color. I feel that after a long period of living a black-and-white life, I too am turning into color. Stay tuned...

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Christos Anesti!

Christos Anesti! This is what Greeks say to each other on Easter Sunday. Christ has risen. The response is "Alithos Anesti"--truly, He has risen. And that's what I feel today. The world is about resurrection and rebirth, which is why Easter falls at the same time as the pagan holidays around fertility. Do you really think that eggs and bunnies have anything to do with a Jewish rabbi being crucified and resurrected? No, they are symbols of fertility. Spring is here and nature, just like Christ, is experiencing a rebirth.

We got the message wrong by focusing on the crucifixion and making the cross the symbol of Christianity. Christ's message was one of everlasting life, not of sacrifice. The point is that he rose from the grave. The point is that he showed us that death is an illusion. As is fear. I once read that fear was an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real. I am seeing this more and more clearly everyday.

The analyst's job that I mentioned in my previous post was full time and required being in the office. Despite the fact that I had less than $10 to my name, I told the headhunter I wasn't interested. It was an easy test to pass. The next day I got a book to edit, a student to tutor, and $100 from my house mate. I felt rich! For the first time in a while I was able to go to Whole Foods and buy everything I wanted. I used to take that for granted. Now I am grateful.

Rather than focus on fear of survival, I have been focusing on starting a speaking career, and the Universe is supporting me. This past Thursday I went to the Toast of Petaluma (, a group that supports speakers. I loved it! The people were kind and friendly and professional, and I felt at home. I could see how this group could help me become a speaker.

At the end of the meeting I met a wonderful woman, Anastasia ( who, for a reasonable fee, helps new speakers find speaking gigs. I knew she was the answer to one of my prayers, especially when she offered me an installment plan so that I could afford her. Not to mention that she lives three blocks from my house. I love how the Universe/God operates, when you commit to living your life from a place of purpose!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Replacing fear with gratitude

Today I am in awe of how much I am being given. Despite the fact that I have not had money, I have felt totally abundant. And the fear of survival seems to have disappeared! I keep checking in with myself. I don't have money. Am I worried? And the answer comes back immediately, No. All is well in my kingdom. It's hard to believe that a fear I have been carrying around all my life has been replaced with gratitude. Woo hoo!

This morning I had a phone meeting with my tax accountant. I had been dreading it, but it turned out to be inspiring. He asked me how I was, and I explained that while externally things didn't look good, internally I was great. I felt loved and supported, and I was committed to doing work that I had a passion for: coaching and speaking. He was amazed, and then proceeded to tell me where he was in his life. We connected on a deep level, and never spoke about my taxes. We couldn't really, as his computer wasn't working. But it was clear that this conversation wasn't about taxes. At the end he told me he would take care of things, and that he would no longer charge me for doing my taxes. He would do them as a friend. " I love you dearly" I heard myself saying to him, and he responded in kind. I hung up feeling happy and full.

Then I went to my class at the Foundation of Spiritual Development. I love this class and wouldn't miss it for the world. I had just enough gas to get there and return, and not enough money to pay the $35 for the class. I spoke to the teacher during the break about not having money and he shrugged, and said to just leave anything I felt I could afford. I gave $3 and once again felt totally taken care of.

I came home feeling abundant. My housemate,who is a great cook, had left me a large pan of lasagna before she left for a long weekend. I have to admit that I have been eating better in the month-and-a-half that she's been living here than I ever had. Tomorrow a friend is taking me out to brunch and giving me money.

So being poor but totally happy, I got on my computer and saw a job for a marketing analyst in San Francisco that a friend had forwarded to me. I have the perfect experience for it and so I sent a resume, saying that I would be interested if it was part-time and remote. If it is , it means that my money worries are over and I can continue to pursue speaking and coaching. If it's a full-time job that requires commuting, it means that it was just a test for me to say no. Regardless I will be fine. All is well in my kingdom.