We always teach what we need to learn. I believe that. And I tend to write about telling the truth and knowing what you really want. That's what my book is about. So I was shocked to discover, a few days ago, that I haven't been telling the truth to myself about what I really want. At least not recently.
My realization started when a friend asked me if I would consider moving back to New York. No, was my immediate reply. But as we talked I realized that while I didn't miss New York, I missed its sophisticated elegance. I missed being in a large city that has great restaurants. I missed wearing nice clothes. I don't like funky. I feel that the little town I'm living in is too small--asphyxiatingly small. And I don't fit in. I'm not a hippy type. I like nice dresses and I still wear make up. Finally, I came to the realization that I don't belong in this cute little town. That's why my friend had asked the question about New York. She saw that I was like a fish out of water here as well.
To my chagrin, I realize that I've been doing what I detest: a spiritual bypass. I have been putting a positive spin on something that doesn't work for me. "Oh, this is such a cute town!" Yes, but I need to get out of it. "Oh, there's such a nice community!" Yes, but it's not my community. It's not my tribe. I don't fit in. I don't care for gardening, or composting, or living with others in a communal setting. Even if that's the spiritually correct thing to do, it's not what I want to do. I've been imposing outside values on myself. Who knew?
So I had to tell myself the truth first, before I tell you the truth. I'm not happy in this life style. I am longing for expansive horizons. I am longing to feel at home somewhere. And I have to let go of the new age beliefs that the world is ending in 2012, and that we need to be near a food source. We need to be where our heart is calling us. We need to be with our tribe. So my question to God lately is, Where is my tribe?
Or as the Course in Miracles would say: God, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say? And to whom? Since I can't trust myself lately, I figure I'll put my trust in God and pay attention to the answers that come my way. What excites me and gives me joy? It's been a long time since I felt this way and I don't want to wait any longer.