Monday, June 25, 2012

Navigating in life without a map

A friend called me yesterday in turmoil. Like me, the old way of doing things is not working for her. Like me, in the past she knew what she wanted, put out her intent, and then manifested her desires. Like me, she finds that she doesn't really know what she wants these days. She'll think she wants something, and then finds that it fizzles out when she pursues it because she lacks passion. Like me, she is no longer able to push herself to do something that isn't inspiring to her.

I imagine that quite a few people are experiencing life like this. It's becoming more and more obvious that we are not in control. In fact, we were never in control, but we thought we were. In fact, most things that we created--relationships, jobs, etc.--did not lead to happiness. And we are no longer willing to spin our wheels to create something unless it will lead to our version of happiness.

So what to do, when we find ourselves in a new world, and the old maps no longer work? Well, for one thing, we can pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for God's grace. Pray for happiness. Pray for miracles.

Micromanaging God doesn't work, but we can still ask for what we want if the desire is a deep one. So while I don't feel that I can ask for a specific job, a specific home in the Bay Area, a specific relationship, a writing or speaking career, I can ask for the basics: happiness, freedom, love. I can even take my desires up a notch: I desire to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day; I desire to live in a place that feels like Home; I desire to have work that I enjoy and that takes care of my needs; I desire to live amongst my tribe; I desire a joyful partnership with a man.

Joyful participation in life, has become my mantra. I want to participate. And slowly I am finding myself in circumstances where I am participating and feeling happy. I am in California right now, after more than seven months in Florida; this feels like home. I am surrounded by friends who feel like my tribe. And work is showing up that is enjoyable as it involves something I believe in and working with people who are friends.

While I can't see the big picture, I am trusting that it is all being taken care of. I don't have any other option living so close to the edge. I can trust in a God that loves me Who is delivering me to a Heaven on Earth. Or I can place my faith in the world that tells me that I need to take control and make things happen, that I have to fight for what I want, that someone has to lose for me to win. Happiness or suffering, is my choice and it depends on where I place my faith.

In other words I can be host to God or hostage to the ego.

Doesn't seem like much of a choice to me.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Letting go of the idea that we need a vision

It's been months since I last wrote in my blog. The main reason is that I like to write in my blog when I have some clarity, and I haven't felt clear for a long time. Instead I have been in some deep, dark vortex--a place very close to what I imagine death is--and I have only been able to come up for air once in a while. I have had no answers, not for me, not for anyone else. All I have had are a lot of questions: What am I suppose to be doing? Do I have a purpose? How can I earn a living? Where is my home? Where do I belong? How can I be happy?

I haven't had a clue as to what the answers to these questions are. And most of my misery has been because I have had the belief that at this stage of my life--at my age and with all the spiritual work I've done--that I should have a vision. I should know what I want to create, I should set my intention, and I should be able to create it. I should have known that there was something off with this belief because it was making me so unhappy.

Today I learned that we have it backwards. Through Leslie Temple-Thurson (, a spiritual teacher whom I respect, I learned about Lena Stevens's forecasts ( What she says is that the idea of having a vision first, then setting an intention, and then creating something, is backwards. It is putting the masculine (vision) ahead of the feminine (creativity.) Instead we need to allow ourselves to experience the void and let go of trying to control the chaos that we are in, which is rooted in the fear of the feminine. When we can hold creativity without form, the vision will come in its own time.

Woo hoo! This is one of the answers I've been waiting for. What I am wanting to manifest in my life is an unprecedented way of being, a life of happiness. I don't know how to envision this, as everything I thought would bring me happiness so far has brought me pain. So how can I be expected to create something that is beyond anything I've experienced or even imagined? I can't. All I can do is stay with the not-knowing and follow that which inspires me. If nothing inspires me, I do nothing. Eventually the chaos will start morphing into something wonderful, and then I will know what to do. And it will be a joyful experience.

So the challenge this month, according to Lena Stevens, is being comfortable with lacking purpose and not knowing what to do. And the opportunity is letting go of really old baggage and manifesting unimaginable miracles. I am just beginning to see the swirls of energy creating something that I didn't expect. And I am seeing the light after all the darkness. And I am beginning to remember what it feels like to be truly happy