It's been months since I last wrote in my blog. The main reason is that I like to write in my blog when I have some clarity, and I haven't felt clear for a long time. Instead I have been in some deep, dark vortex--a place very close to what I imagine death is--and I have only been able to come up for air once in a while. I have had no answers, not for me, not for anyone else. All I have had are a lot of questions: What am I suppose to be doing? Do I have a purpose? How can I earn a living? Where is my home? Where do I belong? How can I be happy?
I haven't had a clue as to what the answers to these questions are. And most of my misery has been because I have had the belief that at this stage of my life--at my age and with all the spiritual work I've done--that I should have a vision. I should know what I want to create, I should set my intention, and I should be able to create it. I should have known that there was something off with this belief because it was making me so unhappy.
Today I learned that we have it backwards. Through Leslie Temple-Thurson (http://www.corelight.org), a spiritual teacher whom I respect, I learned about Lena Stevens's forecasts (www.thepowerpath.com). What she says is that the idea of having a vision first, then setting an intention, and then creating something, is backwards. It is putting the masculine (vision) ahead of the feminine (creativity.) Instead we need to allow ourselves to experience the void and let go of trying to control the chaos that we are in, which is rooted in the fear of the feminine. When we can hold creativity without form, the vision will come in its own time.
Woo hoo! This is one of the answers I've been waiting for. What I am wanting to manifest in my life is an unprecedented way of being, a life of happiness. I don't know how to envision this, as everything I thought would bring me happiness so far has brought me pain. So how can I be expected to create something that is beyond anything I've experienced or even imagined? I can't. All I can do is stay with the not-knowing and follow that which inspires me. If nothing inspires me, I do nothing. Eventually the chaos will start morphing into something wonderful, and then I will know what to do. And it will be a joyful experience.
So the challenge this month, according to Lena Stevens, is being comfortable with lacking purpose and not knowing what to do. And the opportunity is letting go of really old baggage and manifesting unimaginable miracles. I am just beginning to see the swirls of energy creating something that I didn't expect. And I am seeing the light after all the darkness. And I am beginning to remember what it feels like to be truly happy