Saturday, June 25, 2011

Feeling worthy regardless of the circumstances

I have been walking around feeling very happy and at peace the last couple of days. It's not because my circumstances have changed, as much as it is because my perspective has changed. Rather than pray for more money to come in, or for me to be able to live on my own again when I am upset with my house mate, I have been praying for the fear to be released. And it seems that a few days ago some miracle healing occurred and I stopped being afraid.

The fear was about having to obey someone else's rules and being under his control, because I didn't have money. When I was working at a six-figure job this issue didn't come up. I felt that I had freedom, and power, and that I could say exactly what was on my mind. But I finally saw how different I was when I was broke. When I didn't have any money or job, I felt unworthy. I felt that no one wanted me around and I needed to obey their every command or I would be kicked out and be homeless. Basically I felt like Cinderella, trying hard to please the people I was with, but nothing ever being enough. And agreeing to unreasonable terms and feeling angry and like a victim.

Well, this is the third time this pattern has happened, and I realized that it would continue to occur until I healed this false belief that I am worthy of love--or even of being alive--only when I have money. Damn! I have been so hooked up to the Matrix for so long that there are still tendrils of it putting me in hell. Of course no one can make your life hell if you don't let them. We imprison ourselves with our fears.

So my circumstances haven't changed much, but I have. I am back to saying exactly what is on my mind, back to saying "no" when a request seems unreasonable, and it doesn't matter that I don't have money or even another place where I could stay. I am being myself, and myself does not change just because my outside circumstances do. Whether I am unemployed and broke, or a vice president earning a six-figure salary, I am who I am. I am free. I am.

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