Yesterday was one of the most challenging days of my life. That's saying a lot, as I have had some doozies. But yesterday I hit rock bottom. I was in hell. It wasn't just that it was really hot and there was no air conditioning. It wasn't just that I had five dollars to my name, after buying some cat food, and no idea where any more money would come from. I could deal with that. What threw me into hell was feeling that my relationship with my new landlord/housemate wasn't working. I felt as if I was in prison, having to obey one house rule after another--many of which were around my cats. My cats, who I could see were miserable with all the restrictions imposed on them.
I felt I had no choice but to obey every rule. What if my landlord got really upset and threw me and the cats out? What if we were homeless? All these fears put me in panic mode. I had no freedom, I felt. I couldn't make my own decisions where I lived. If only I had money, then I would have freedom. That was my thought. And I got to see it. This is what has been running my life. I need money to be free. Is that true? I could hear my friend who does Byron Katie work ask me. Well, no. No one can put me in prison except myself. I don't have to obey any one's rules if they don't make sense to me. I do, however, have to be willing to suffer the consequences.
I guided myself through a visualization, to find the shadow Despina who was in prison. I wanted to make peace with her, and so I asked her to talk to me. She told me that prison was the best place for security. All you had to do was obey the rules, and you would get three meals a day and have a roof over your head. So what if there was no freedom, no play, no love, no passion, no purpose. At least you were secure in prison.
Hmmm... I got to see how I imprison myself to be secure, over and over. If it's not with a job that I don't love, it's with a person who I think can provide me a home and security. Clearly this is coming up for me to heal. And I was glad I saw it.
Later that night, my landlord and I had a long talk. It started as an argument, but ended in a good heart place where we both opened up to each other and really communicated. I felt a surge of love for him, and miraculously the problems seemed to resolve themselves.
Today's lesson in the Course in Miracles is:
God's answer is some form of peace.
All pain is healed; all misery replaced with joy.
All prison doors are open.
And all sin is understood as merely a mistake.
I feel this to be true.