Sunday, July 10, 2011

All fear is past and only love is here

This is my lesson today from the Course in Miracles. As usually happens, it's perfect for what is going on in my life at this moment.

The last day and a half I've been in a very dark place. What triggered it was finding out that I was probably going to share my house with someone who would not be my first choice for a housemate. His mind spins and he talks non-stop. There is no space for silence when he is around. At least that's what I told myself, as I fell into a dark vortex of despair. I'll have to move, I told myself. There is no way that I can live with him. I won't be able to write, or edit, or meditate, or earn a living, or have peace. I'm going to be in hell.

So without the man even being here, I put myself in hell with my fears. Then I started telling myself more stories, about how things never really work out for me, and how God promises me heaven and always delivers hell. The relationships that I think will give me pleasure wind up causing suffering. This house that I moved to, that I thought was a little piece of heaven, was turning out to be hellish as well.

That's it, I told myself, God has it in for me. I am done with Him. I am no longer praying or meditating or doing the Course in Miracles. God's just a sadist. And I proceeded to cut all ties with God. I went into meditation (I thought I said I wouldn't meditate) and had all the gods come up to me as I said goodbye to them. Goodbye to Lakshmi, you haven't been delivering prosperity. Goodbye to Kali, you are a bitch who has made my life miserable. Goodbye to Jehovah, you abusive patriarch. Hmmm...It seems I wasn't saying goodbye to God but to the gods, the idols, to whom I had given my power away. Christ showed up. I couldn't get myself to say goodbye to him. All I could say is, "I won't worship you. I will only consider you my brother and my friend." And that seemed alright.

Slowly, I found myself getting out of hell. What was I so afraid of? This man, who will probably be moving in, is a nice man going through a hard time. He needs love and support. He needs to be welcomed. I don't have to support his many stories--in fact I am clear that I won't. And I will ask for silence in my space, during certain hours. I can have my needs met and I can still be kind and support him. I have committed my life to help end suffering, my own and others. God is giving me an opportunity to walk my talk. And for that I am grateful.

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