This is my lesson today from the Course in Miracles. As usually happens, it's perfect for what is going on in my life at this moment.
The last day and a half I've been in a very dark place. What triggered it was finding out that I was probably going to share my house with someone who would not be my first choice for a housemate. His mind spins and he talks non-stop. There is no space for silence when he is around. At least that's what I told myself, as I fell into a dark vortex of despair. I'll have to move, I told myself. There is no way that I can live with him. I won't be able to write, or edit, or meditate, or earn a living, or have peace. I'm going to be in hell.
So without the man even being here, I put myself in hell with my fears. Then I started telling myself more stories, about how things never really work out for me, and how God promises me heaven and always delivers hell. The relationships that I think will give me pleasure wind up causing suffering. This house that I moved to, that I thought was a little piece of heaven, was turning out to be hellish as well.
That's it, I told myself, God has it in for me. I am done with Him. I am no longer praying or meditating or doing the Course in Miracles. God's just a sadist. And I proceeded to cut all ties with God. I went into meditation (I thought I said I wouldn't meditate) and had all the gods come up to me as I said goodbye to them. Goodbye to Lakshmi, you haven't been delivering prosperity. Goodbye to Kali, you are a bitch who has made my life miserable. Goodbye to Jehovah, you abusive patriarch. Hmmm...It seems I wasn't saying goodbye to God but to the gods, the idols, to whom I had given my power away. Christ showed up. I couldn't get myself to say goodbye to him. All I could say is, "I won't worship you. I will only consider you my brother and my friend." And that seemed alright.
Slowly, I found myself getting out of hell. What was I so afraid of? This man, who will probably be moving in, is a nice man going through a hard time. He needs love and support. He needs to be welcomed. I don't have to support his many stories--in fact I am clear that I won't. And I will ask for silence in my space, during certain hours. I can have my needs met and I can still be kind and support him. I have committed my life to help end suffering, my own and others. God is giving me an opportunity to walk my talk. And for that I am grateful.