A few days ago I really got to see how ugly my ego is--not me, but my ego. First I felt fear hit me, then I went into a story about how nothing ever works out for me and how God has it in for me, then I wound up having a temper tantrum where I hated God. I keep saying "I" but really it was a murderous part that didn't seem like me. I felt possessed, as the killing rage kept coming up. I hate God, I kept telling myself. But then a more aware part of me said, This is a projection. You are the only one here. This is self-hatred. Bingo. It seems that I had hit the bottom of my ego, beyond all its nice masks of being loving and concerned or even sad.
The Course in Miracles talks about the ego as the enemy. The ego is not your friend. It wants you dead. And really, listening to the ego results in suffering and death--death of relationships, death of joy, death of love, and eventually death of the body itself. A good friend today pointed me to an excellent YouTube clip about the ego as our only enemy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P60BHi7jk_U
Joyce Meyer, a Christian minister whom I find speaks the truth and is inspiring, talks about the enemy as well. In Christian terms the enemy would be considered Satan or the devil, but really that is just a projection of our own ego. I watched a few videos on her website (http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=Learning_to_Receive__-_Pt_1), where she talked about not listening to the enemy. Why is it easier to listen to what the ego tells us, such as: I'm a loser; I'm never going to be happy; Nobody loves me; I don't deserve to be loved; I'm guilty; and the list goes on and on? Why is it easier to receive that, than to receive what God (and the Course in Miracles) tells us: that we are children of God, unconditionally loved, who are entitled to miracles?
Joyce asked that question and I find myself asking it too. So I followed her advice yesterday when ugly thoughts came up, thoughts such as nothing is ever going to work out for me, I'll never be happy, etc. I stopped in the middle of the thought and said, "I do not receive that!" These thoughts come from the enemy and I will not receive them. Instead I will receive God's thoughts. A miracle is in the works for me, and I am already grateful for it. Stay tuned...