I'm moving tomorrow--again. I just moved two months ago to share a house, and it didn't work out. I wouldn't follow the many rules my house mate/landlord tried to impose. The cats and I took too much energetic space. I wasn't willing--though I tried for a while--to make myself small enough to be invisible.
I realized this morning that this is a pattern. When I have money and live alone, I can be as large as I please. I can expand as much as I want. But when I don't have money and live with someone else, I feel as if I need to wear an energetic girdle to be acceptable. I walk slowly instead of at my usual fast pace. I stay in my bedroom instead of reading on the couch. I start whispering, as my voice is too loud. I no longer laugh as my laugh is too loud. Actually, I no longer feel like laughing.
So this morning I decided to do an internal journey, and meet the Despina who needs to stay small. I wanted to make peace with her, so that I could heal this very painful part of my life. The Despina I met was a little girl. Her father, who was in his sixties at that time, had no patience for kids running around, playing, being loud. So she learned that she needed to be quiet and still, to be accepted. Otherwise she would be kicked out of the living room, as her father wanted to sit on the couch and work on his cross word puzzles. How interesting. I managed to play this out with my landlord, who though only a few years older than me started acting like a father figure.
I know that when external circumstances are painful, they are calling me to heal something within myself. When there is an intense pattern repeating, it's usually a deep childhood issue that needs to heal. Nothing changes in my external world until my internal world shifts. In my visualization journey I also realized that my main health issue goes back to this same Despina who needs to stay small. Despite the fact that some people think I have a large energy, I actually have very little physical energy. I can make myself rise to the occasion when I need to, but then I need to rest for days. I've always thought that I had chronic fatigue or hypothyroidism. But I believe that all illness comes from the mind. And I must have decided when I was young that having too much energy--which I assume as a five year old I had--was not a good thing.
Healing cannot happen until there is awareness of the root cause. Today I am walking around thinking, I have the right to have energy. I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be large. And I have the right to live in a home where I am welcomed the way I am. The last two months have been among the most intense months of my life. Today continues to be intense. But I finally am feeling relief as once again, I take a leap of faith into the unknown.