I know it's been almost two months since I wrote in my blog. Frankly I was in such intense processing, feeling so disoriented and out of touch, that I had nothing to share. I've been in a nightmare of unhappiness not just in the last couple of months, but since my birthday in May. As I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I remember making one simple wish: I want to be happy. What has followed is six months of deep unhappiness.
Be careful what you ask for. It seems that I needed to see all the beliefs that I hold that prevent me from being happy. The couple of months I spent in one house share showed me how I believed that I had no value as a human being if I had no money. It took being emotionally abused to break through this belief that was causing so much suffering. When I realized how I was betraying myself, a miracle happened and I got to move. But I can't say that situation was a happy one. Nor has my stay in Florida been happy, despite my mother's generous welcome. I don't belong here. I can't breathe here. It feels like a dead end. Then why was I brought here?
A few days ago I realized that I had a belief that awakening could only happen through suffering and loss. This belief did not come from my Christian roots but from advaita. "The path to enlightenment is a path of loss", I heard my spiritual teacher say. "You have to meet death, meet the emptiness." After all, that's how Ramana Maharshi woke up, by being terrified of death and meeting it.
It seems that I have gotten very good at loss and getting to a point where my life is so miserable that it feels like death. But reaching that point isn't waking me up; it's just making me miserable, out of touch with the world, and hoping to die to escape. The Course in Miracles tells me that God's will for me is perfect happiness. So God hasn't been doing this to me, I've been doing this to myself unconsciously. God forbid that I am happy, that I have a partner, that I celebrate with friends, that I have work I love, that I have abundance. If I'm so happy in this life I won't wake up. Really? The Course in Miracles says that God comes to wake us up after the nightmare has become a happy dream.
Well, if this world is a dream, then I am ready for a happy dream. I am putting aside all thoughts of awakening, as they are just concepts. I don't know how it feels to be awake. But I do know how it feels to be happy. And I am so ready to be happy. I share God's will for happiness for me. And I choose life. Bring it on!