Sunday, October 30, 2011

Greetings from Florida. Moving towards Wholeness.

This is probably the longest lapse between posts. Please forgive me as I've been very busy moving, and settling in Florida. I wasn't sure if I could even write from here, as I wasn't feeling inspired to say anything. But today I woke up feeling clear and thought I'd reconnect.

Although I've been supported in this move, I can't say that I haven't had challenges. Flying with two cats was intense. My shoulders hurt for days from carrying Max, who weighs a good 14 pounds, and Bradley who, thank God, only weighs about 8 pounds--along with my big bag, my computer, my jacket, and a 6 pound bag of cat food. Then, going through security, I was asked to take both cats out of the carry case, and carry them through in my arms. "You've got to be kidding," I said, " I can't physically carry both cats without dropping one of the poor stressed animals who would be fighting to escape." After several minutes of consultation with the manager, the security person allowed me to take one cat out of the carry case at a time, and come back for the other one. Whew! Sanity prevailed.

When I finally arrived at Orlando at 10:30 pm, I found that I couldn't rent the car I reserved to drive the hour-and-a-half to my mom's house. I had enough money in my debit card to pay for the rental, but not enough to pay for the extra $200 I was going to be temporarily charged because I was using a debit card, and not a credit card. After several calls to my mother and sister I finally got in a taxi, and I was at my mom's by around 1 am.

It seems that no matter how much I am supported in a large transition, there is an intense passage at some point, similar to going through the birth canal.

It's taken me a week to recover from the physical and mental exhaustion of the past five months: moving with my cats to three different places, not feeling wanted at two of those places, stressing about lack of money and how to pay the few bills that I have, banging at closed doors that wouldn't open. Finally welcomed with my cats, I have allowed myself to collapse and sleep all I want, without concern about what I am here to do. But this morning I finally woke up feeling kind of happy, or at least looking forward to this adventure.

I don't know exactly why I am here, apart from finding relief from financial lack. However, based on the last week, I can say that some of the reasons that I am here may be:
  • to spend time with my mom and reconnect with my ancestors by hearing stories of my family.
  • to connect with my mom and family, in simple ways. I learned to play a card game that my aunt and mom play in the evenings, and after one day was able to beat them. Not everything in life has to be spiritual, I am finding out.
  • to get another perspective from the one I've had for 14 years, since I moved to California. At the Center for Spiritual Living I heard Reverend Edward--a man whose funny and humble talks nourish me--say that to be whole we need to allow all perspectives, not just the ones that we agree with.
  • to loosen up from my holier-than-thou spiritual attitude that I've acquired since moving to California. I suppose that this attitude was a better one than the more-successful-than-thou material attitude I had in New York. But ultimately both attitudes serve separation and not oneness.
  • to learn to receive with grace. My mother loves to give and I have, in the past, repeatedly dismissed her gifts.
A friend asked me a few weeks ago, why I wasn't willing to get a full-time job given my financial situation. The answer is that I am letting my feelings of joy guide my decisions, rather than my fear of survival. Just reading a job description for a full-time corporate job makes my stomach turn. By not over riding this clear message, I find myself where God intends me to be. And I can see the perfection in that.


Rob said...

I love your insights. Write more often please!

Rob said...
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Rob said...
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