Saturday, July 31, 2010

Happiness is when your worst nightmare is no longer scary

Well, it seems that the thing I dreaded most has happened. No, not death or losing a loved one, but losing my job. My manager called me on Thursday and told me that her budget was cut in half. My contract would be ending the end of August. She was not happy about this, but it wasn't her choice and there was nothing she could do about it. Of course, being the caring manager that she is, she was going to try to find us (I wasn't the only one who lost my job) other positions within the company.

I didn't have time to process this, as I rushed out the door after our phone call to go to the dentist. Laying on the dentist's chair for two hours, with my mouth open and 2 shots of Novocain on either side of my mouth, I had plenty of time to contemplate. My first thought was: Well, this isn't turning out to be a fun day. But then I realized that it didn't feel like a bad day either. It just felt as if God had stopped me and was changing my direction.

Having been through this before--no job, not much money, and needing to move--I was surprised to find that I wasn't panicked and terrified about how I was going to survive, as I had been in the past. I kept checking in. Really? I'm OK? I'm peaceful? I'm kind of excited about having a new adventure? What a different way of being!

I came home and emailed my other colleagues who had also lost their jobs. I wanted to know if they were OK and if they needed someone to talk to. I was concerned about my manager's feelings, as I know that this was difficult for her as well. And of course I was feeling a bit uncomfortable not knowing what I'm going to do. But I realized that I had brought this on myself.

In reading the Course in Miracles, I told God that I was willing to be a blank screen and he could play whatever movie he wanted on it. I've been controlling and directing my own life for many decades and it hasn't brought me total happiness. So what the hell? I might as well turn it over to God.

Also, the night before I had been talking to a friend who had been in a bicycle accident and was home recuperating for a month now. She was telling me that she felt she was on retreat, as she couldn't read, check emails, watch TV, or even think too much. She was literally sitting there watching the flowers grow, and having spiritual realizations. I was shocked to find myself envying her. I was in the midst of quarterly business reviews, juggling several projects, and feeling much tension in my environment.

Needless to say, my manager's phone call had the affect of stopping me in my tracks. I still need to do the quarterly business reviews, but I am detached. I turned my life over to God, and He obviously has other plans for me. So my intention is to spend this weekend meditating so that I can tune in to some guidance. Where do I move? What do I do to pay the bills? What is my work? It's clear that I'm not writing the script of my life. Thank God for that, as He seems to be much better at it than I am.

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