It's been a little while since I wrote my last post. I wasn't in a writing mode. I was very angry. And that anger did not go away. It turned into immense rage. For days I felt this tremendous energy run through me. It was rage only when I tried to name it. When I didn't, it was just energy--my life force.
I stayed away from people as I didn't want to lash out at some poor, innocent soul. I didn't want to express my anger any more. At the same time I didn't want to suppress my anger and pretend that I was OK. So I felt the anger. When I asked myself what it was about, the answer came quickly. This was pent up anger from eons of being silenced as a woman.
It seems when men don't like what you're saying, they trivialize you. You're too emotional. Compared to what? Compared to a man who isn't in touch with his feelings. You're not being rational. Well, look where men and their rational behavior has gotten us. Or you're just some angry woman who is over the hill and upset because you are no longer getting attention from Neanderthal men who just want to have sex with you.
I've noticed sometimes, when I'm in a restaurant and speaking a little too loud, I get dirty looks from some men. In the past I have meekly toned down my exuberance, but not any more. I talk and laugh a little too loud, as I am happy and fairly self-confident. It seems that there is something scary about a happy, loud woman. I can only guess what that is. Too much power? Good girls should be seen and not heard.
Which tends to be the case when there are men and women in mixed company. I read that women talk about ten times more than men do. This may be true, as we connect by talking, but it's not true when there are men present. You could have ten women in a group who take turns talking. But throw in one man and he will monopolize the conversation, talking about stuff that doesn't interest the rest of us at all. And yet we stay quiet, look at the man, nodd our heads, and pretend we care. Why?
So I have realized from my processing this last week that I am angry because I am tired of being silenced by men. Let me rephrase that so that I don't sound like a victim. All anger, from my perspective, is self-betrayal. I am angry with myself, because I have chosen in the past to be a good little girl and keep quiet when a man disapproved. No more.
I intend to speak my mind, whether I have approval from men or not. I invite you to do the same.
Not coincidentally, I just received an invitation to be interviewed on the radio. I guess I needed to have that commitment from myself before I could start speaking.