Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Women no longer being silenced

It's been a little while since I wrote my last post. I wasn't in a writing mode. I was very angry. And that anger did not go away. It turned into immense rage. For days I felt this tremendous energy run through me. It was rage only when I tried to name it. When I didn't, it was just energy--my life force.

I stayed away from people as I didn't want to lash out at some poor, innocent soul. I didn't want to express my anger any more. At the same time I didn't want to suppress my anger and pretend that I was OK. So I felt the anger. When I asked myself what it was about, the answer came quickly. This was pent up anger from eons of being silenced as a woman.

It seems when men don't like what you're saying, they trivialize you. You're too emotional. Compared to what? Compared to a man who isn't in touch with his feelings. You're not being rational. Well, look where men and their rational behavior has gotten us. Or you're just some angry woman who is over the hill and upset because you are no longer getting attention from Neanderthal men who just want to have sex with you.

I've noticed sometimes, when I'm in a restaurant and speaking a little too loud, I get dirty looks from some men. In the past I have meekly toned down my exuberance, but not any more. I talk and laugh a little too loud, as I am happy and fairly self-confident. It seems that there is something scary about a happy, loud woman. I can only guess what that is. Too much power? Good girls should be seen and not heard.

Which tends to be the case when there are men and women in mixed company. I read that women talk about ten times more than men do. This may be true, as we connect by talking, but it's not true when there are men present. You could have ten women in a group who take turns talking. But throw in one man and he will monopolize the conversation, talking about stuff that doesn't interest the rest of us at all. And yet we stay quiet, look at the man, nodd our heads, and pretend we care. Why?

So I have realized from my processing this last week that I am angry because I am tired of being silenced by men. Let me rephrase that so that I don't sound like a victim. All anger, from my perspective, is self-betrayal. I am angry with myself, because I have chosen in the past to be a good little girl and keep quiet when a man disapproved. No more.

I intend to speak my mind, whether I have approval from men or not. I invite you to do the same.

Not coincidentally, I just received an invitation to be interviewed on the radio. I guess I needed to have that commitment from myself before I could start speaking.


raffaella said...

Oh I am very happy Despina that you cleared up your mind and your anger (at least for some degree). It was almost impossible to go on reading your posts, but this is mine, nothing wrong about that, it hurt so much to relate to your despair and your indulging. I still hear that you make a difference between men and women, which gives me the doubt, that you are still fighting. And that is fine. Did only men wanting you being a good girl as I read in other post of you there are also women wanting to "change" you and you pretending you are the victim of them. There must be such a big willingness in YOU to do that, that you still have to talk so much about that. My experience is that, I have to LIVE my truth, my loudness, my power this is my birthright and I promise, once you know that in your heart - men and women outside can do whatever they want, you can leave them as they are. Nothing to change. I cannot accept your preaching to other women to do the same, because it comes it of a space of fighting and separatedness, this hurts me and I can't trust your words, they sound so empty. Live it, give you the right to do what ever you want and you will see by yourself that nobody but yourself can hinder you. And this love for yourself will then speak to your readers. And bytheway there is no outside, never was. I write you that to connect not to separate from you, and you are free to choose. There where we ARE ourselves we meet.

Despina said...

My dear, Rafaella. Of course women want to change me; it's not just men. Women just do it in a kinder, more loving way.
For example you tell me that my despair and anger hurt you and that I'm indulging. Sounds to me that you would like me to be in a place of oneness and enlightenment. Sorry, but this blog is called "Not a Guru" for a reason. I am not enlightened. My buttons get pushed and I go through a process. And this process shows up raw in this blog. One woman has had a huge awakening from reading my angry column. She's getting that it's more spiritual to be real than to pretend to be loving when you're not.
What I experience from you is judgment sugar coated in some fake love. It's the kind of thing that nauseated me when I was in the spiritual group. I'd rather have the men attacking me in their coarse way; it's easier to identify. The subtle ways of "spiritual" people, who want you to show up only loving so that their feelings aren't hurt, are harder to detect. But I've had many years of this.
I once told one of your gurus that your spiritual community was becoming the cult of the silent, staring, smiling people. They could never speak when they were angry, only when they were in bliss. Well, it's yucky.
By the way, I'm sure you have heard about projection. You are preaching to me about not preaching. Why don't you take a look at why you are so triggered, instead of spending your energy making me the bad guy. Isn't that what your gurus would tell you?
And please don't read my blog if it causes you pain. You have that choice. As for me, I choose to write whatever I feel. It's like my diary, but I have the courage to share my ugliness, not just my beauty.