A friend called me yesterday in turmoil. Like me, the old way of doing things is not working for her. Like me, in the past she knew what she wanted, put out her intent, and then manifested her desires. Like me, she finds that she doesn't really know what she wants these days. She'll think she wants something, and then finds that it fizzles out when she pursues it because she lacks passion. Like me, she is no longer able to push herself to do something that isn't inspiring to her.
I imagine that quite a few people are experiencing life like this. It's becoming more and more obvious that we are not in control. In fact, we were never in control, but we thought we were. In fact, most things that we created--relationships, jobs, etc.--did not lead to happiness. And we are no longer willing to spin our wheels to create something unless it will lead to our version of happiness.
So what to do, when we find ourselves in a new world, and the old maps no longer work? Well, for one thing, we can pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for God's grace. Pray for happiness. Pray for miracles.
Micromanaging God doesn't work, but we can still ask for what we want if the desire is a deep one. So while I don't feel that I can ask for a specific job, a specific home in the Bay Area, a specific relationship, a writing or speaking career, I can ask for the basics: happiness, freedom, love. I can even take my desires up a notch: I desire to wake up in the morning and look forward to my day; I desire to live in a place that feels like Home; I desire to have work that I enjoy and that takes care of my needs; I desire to live amongst my tribe; I desire a joyful partnership with a man.
Joyful participation in life, has become my mantra. I want to participate. And slowly I am finding myself in circumstances where I am participating and feeling happy. I am in California right now, after more than seven months in Florida; this feels like home. I am surrounded by friends who feel like my tribe. And work is showing up that is enjoyable as it involves something I believe in and working with people who are friends.
While I can't see the big picture, I am trusting that it is all being taken care of. I don't have any other option living so close to the edge. I can trust in a God that loves me Who is delivering me to a Heaven on Earth. Or I can place my faith in the world that tells me that I need to take control and make things happen, that I have to fight for what I want, that someone has to lose for me to win. Happiness or suffering, is my choice and it depends on where I place my faith.
In other words I can be host to God or hostage to the ego.
Doesn't seem like much of a choice to me.