One day spent in total joy...

I just finished reading a book called The Power of the Possible by Auriela McCarthy (http://www.aurielamccarthy.com/). I really enjoyed it and recommend it for both its insights on relationships and acceptance--something that I am working on these days--and for the enjoyable story telling which is inspiring.

At the end of the book (p. 257) Auriela writes:
One day spent in total joy, doing the things you love best--a day on the beach, for example, walking for miles on the wet sand, picking up shells, kicking the foamy waves with your toes...coming home to a good meal, a wonderful book...and falling asleep, exhausted and happy by nine o'clock in the evening...a day like this, spent without a worry in the world, has done more for the world at large than if you had spent all day writing letters of protest to your senator, focusing on all the wrongs that need to be righted.

This hit home for me because I had such a day on Saturday. It wasn't that I did anything out of the ordinary. It was just that I only did what I wanted and enjoyed every minute of it. I picked up a friend at noon and we headed down to Larkspur. I had a hair cut appointment there and my friend and I hadn't been to southern Marin in a while. I parked the car and noticed that we had time to stop at my favorite cafe, Rulli's. I ordered a latte and she had a hot cocoa with whipped cream. We shared an incredible dessert made with cream and berries. We chatted and watched the people go by.

I left her to walk down the block for my haircut. It was a good haircut and I felt pampered. My friend met me there and we headed further south to the Corte Madera shopping center. I was looking for corduroy legging/pants and there they were in Nordstrom's--in all sizes and colors. We spent some time trying them on and each bought a couple of pairs. Then we walked by all the stores decorated for Christmas and wound up at Macy's. We each found something we didn't expect at a very good price and left feeling happy and abundant.

After a few more errands we wound up in my favorite restaurant in San Rafael, The Royal Thai. Not only was the food delicious, they had my favorite dessert: mango with coconut sticky rice. I was in heaven. We laughed and chatted and both felt that we had started the holiday season in a very festive way. There was nothing super-exciting about this day, but we enjoyed every minute of it and felt grateful. It was one day spent in total joy.

Now for those of you who have read other posts in this blog, such as the one stating that the world I see holds nothing that I want, this post may seem a contradiction. All the things that brought me joy on Saturday were worldly. And it is a contradiction, though both are true. I love worldly things and this world holds nothing that I want. This is known as a paradox. I'll write more about that in another post.

Projecting our self-hatred onto others

I have a dear friend who reads my blog every day. She looks forward to it and questions why I haven't written if I skip a few days. She and a few other friends have inspired me to write more frequently. I don't feel that I am writing just for myself; I feel that I am writing to them as well. By the way, I was delighted to find that I have one follower whom I don't even know (see left underneath my picture.) She inspired me to add a "followers" section to my blog. If you do in fact follow my blog I'd love to know who you are. Then again if you are too embarrassed to let it be known publicly that you follow my blog, I also totally understand that.

Which brings me to something that has been on my mind for a while: watering down what I write in order to be understood and to remain acceptable to the mainstream. My dear friend who reads my column religiously has asked me to write so that everyone can understand it. Sometimes my posts are very clear to her. They are simple and touch her heart. Sometimes they are confusing. I've struggled with this for a while but have come to the conclusion that I need to write whatever is coming up for me without censoring it. Some of the things that come up for me are far out, as I am not afraid to go into deep dark places in my psyche that others have not yet traversed.

For example this last week I have become in touch with a deep sense of self-hatred. Self-hatred is the main ingredient of every ego and of all suffering. But this is not a light topic and is not discussed in "normal" circles. However we all feel self-hatred. Some people are aware of how much they hate themselves and how unworthy they feel. For others like me, who are arrogant, it is more difficult to get in touch with our self-hatred because it is projected out to everyone else.

I realized recently that I have been projecting all my self hatred onto a friend who is very similar to me. The friendship ended because admitedly I wasn't a loving friend. I kept trying to fix all the things that were wrong with her. The good news from this painful mess is that I got to see that all the issues that I had with my friend were my own issues.

Check it out for yourselves. Pick a person whom you despise. If you don't despise anyone, then just pick a person who really irritates you. Write down all their faults--why you can't stand being with them. Don't hold anything back. When you feel done go back and read everything you wrote. My guess is that you have all the qualities that you hate in that person. You are projecting your own self-hatred onto them. (The good news is that when you admire someone else, you are also projecting your "good" qualities onto them.)

If this doesn't make sense to everyone reading this post, that's cool. It might not make sense to you consciously, but it might make sense to you on a different level. If this makes sense to you, so much the better. Seeing how we project the qualities we don't like onto others becomes a step away from victimhood. Instead of blaming the people out there for causing us misery, we can take responsibility for our own stuff. And once we take responsibility for our stuff, we can begin to heal it. That is the good news.

Getting paid to do what you love. What a concept!

For several years psychics have been telling me that my life's path involves counseling people one-on-one. When I first heard this, it felt right to me. That's what I love to do. Over the 20 years that I have been on what I consider my "spiritual" journey, and with the hundreds of books that I have read, I have a clarity that can support other people. But how do I start a counseling career when my resume is all about my MBA and data analysis?

What I have found is that when something is meant to be, it will happen organically. If I'm suppose to be a counselor then somehow events will occur without my having to do much. And that seems to be the case. A while ago a friend who does massages offered me a trade: a counseling session for a massage. I took it gladly as she is a wonderful masseuse. And I got to help her with her issue, which truly I would have done for free.

This week another friend asked me if I would do counseling with him. He had checked out other counselors on the internet and found that their qualifications weren't better than mine. Plus he had attended one of my workshops and felt he had learned something. So today we had our first phone session together. For me this session was not work. It was a joy to listen to him and support him. His sending me a check is gravy--much needed gravy. But I still can't believe that someone paid me to do something I love.

That's been my prayer: to no longer have to "work" but instead to support myself by doing what I love, which is supporting others on their life's path. I think this is the beginning of the answer to my prayer.

Gratitude on this Thanksgiving Day

What else is there to write about on Thanksgiving Day but gratitude? I woke up thinking about all the good things that happened in my life this year for which I am grateful. There were many. But what I also realized is that I was grateful for all the "bad" things that happened in my life, as they were leading to more healing, more honesty, more joy, and more freedom.

For example, this year my main contract with the hi-tech company that I've been working for ended. For almost four years this contract provided me with plenty of money. I knew that I could pay my bills and then some. I felt secure. However I also had started feeling bored and passionless. I was tired of sitting in front of my computer doing excel spreadsheets.

The contract ending freed me up. I had time to spend with a girlfriend who visited me. I started traveling a little. I started taking dancing lessons. I started writing in my blog more frequently. Each day started holding new surprises instead of the same old, same old. While I can't say that I am secure financially right now, there are many exciting opportunities showing up for me: working for other companies, editing cool books, training, doing one-on-one counseling. I am especially excited about the counseling, as that is where my heart is. The idea of not having all my eggs in one basket, and working on several different things is very appealing. And this could not have happened without that secure full-time contract ending.

Another example is that I had some serious disagreements with friends which were painful to both me and them. But these disagreements cleared the air and transformed the old relationships making them more honest and bringing acceptance. This happened with several friendships. However one friendship ended and I am grateful for that too. I got to see what I needed to heal and found someone to help me with that. I also realized that we both needed to go our separate ways, as we were not helping each other. I feel gratitude at this point. The friendships that remained, transformed and became more honest and loving. The one that ended brought much needed relief to both of us.

I could go on, but you get the drift. Even the things that we are not happy about, bring gifts. And for that I am grateful

Grace at the feet of an Indian Saint

Yesterday I spent the day at Ammachi's ashram in San Ramon. Amma (http://www.amma.org/) is known as the hugging saint and comes to the Bay Area twice a year to hold public meetings. Thousands of people go to this ashram, and to others around the world, to get hugged by her. Her hug offers a spiritual transmission that helps people in whatever way is best for them. The immediate impact of her hug for me was being in an altered state. I couldn't drive back home last night; luckily my girlfriend could. However the long term impact of her hugs is life changing: Healing happens in relationships; Anything that doesn't serve is removed; Emotional pain is healed. Each time the experience is very different and always very personal.

Yesterday my visit to Amma was about healing relationships. I wasn't surprised when a male friend I haven't spoken to in a few weeks because of discord between us, showed up and sat in front of me. He didn't see me but I could see him from the balcony where I was sitting. I meditated on his face and asked to heal this relationship with ease and grace. After about 20 minutes of my meditating he looked up at the balcony and saw me. He smiled. Later on we ran into each other outside. We hugged and started walking towards the cafeteria.

Over two cups of hot steaming chai, we sat across from each other.
"I'm tired of fighting this war," I said. "I want to lay my sword down. What is it you want from me?"

He didn't say a word but in my mind I received an immediate response: Acceptance.
Of course. I had to admit to myself that I never really accepted him as he is. I was always trying to improve him. He wasn't healed enough, awake enough, sophisticated enough. You name it; he wasn't enough of it.

"You want acceptance from me," I stated. He flinched in agreement.

"OK" I heard myself say, "I need to offer you acceptance. I apologize for all the mean things I have called you." I went on and listed a bunch of terms I will not list here.
"None of the things I called you are true. They were my own projections. I take back the shame I placed at your feet. I apologize for abandoning you over and over and over again. I have abandoned you many more times than you have abandoned me. That too is a projection. I apologize for being disappointed in you because you couldn't meet all the expectations I had..."

The apology went on and on, coming from a very deep humbling place which I usually don't access. He listened silently, his eyes tearing. When I finally finished, he hugged me. This too was a hug by grace of the Indian Saint. We then went our separate ways, as we each had come with friends.

Last night as I lay in bed, still feeling the energy of the day, he called and left a message on my voice mail: "Thank you for sharing today. I really appreciate it. I hope we can drop the swords and the knives and there's no more wars, just love and appreciation for each other. That's what I want. Thanks a lot for being open, vulnerable, and honest. I will do my best not to cause any suffering and pain--unnecessary suffering and pain. Thank you so much, sweet heart."

My lesson today for the Course of Miracles is:
By grace I live. By grace I am released.
By grace I give. By grace I will release.

By the grace of Amma I released my friend. And is so doing, I released my self.

Watching the world shift around me, as I shift

In the previous post, I wrote about forgiving my father and realizing that he really loved me and did his best to take care of me. It's amazing how much impact this has had in my life, just the last few days. For one, I don't feel the constant anger running underneath the polite exterior. I feel more relaxed, more easy going, more willing to forgive others. The world is not a place where you get abandoned. Rather the world is a place where you are loved. We all have wounds and we all make mistakes, but we are doing our best. The only way to be happy is to forgive each other.

What's even more interesting, is how things have really shifted in my outer world. It seems that my own unforgiveness and disconnection from my father was blocking many more things than just my relationship with men. That was obvious. But it's all connected. So the last 24 hours I have watched in amazement as a window of opportunity has opened, and many, many good things are coming through.

For one, I was accepted to go to a workshop in January, Donald Epstein's Ultimatum, which is the best thing I can imagine going to. I'm so excited about this! Another thing, I've been trying to figure out if I should move to downsize since my income has downsized significantly. A very good friend, who is also considering moving, sent me a listing for a rental in Healdsburg that we could share together. It's a beautiful home and we both feel that living there would be a gift. I'm so excited about this too! A third thing, I got a call from a friend in Salt Lake City who wants to move forward having me be part of his training program. I'm really excited about this as well! I've spent the last day making travel arrangements to Denver, then adding Salt Lake City. Things are moving in a way that feels joyful, adventurous, and on purpose.

I know that the way to get things to happen is by doing internal processing not by pounding the pavement to make things happen in the world. But somehow it never ceases to amaze me when the whole outside world that seems so real shifts because of some healing work that I did. My thoughts and feelings absolutely create my world. I really get it. Thank God, as that makes me a powerful co-creator with God, instead of a victim.

Healing through forgiveness

God knows I've done enough spiritual work in the last couple of decades to make up for many lifetimes: channeling, shamanic, goddess, satsang, and now the Course in Miracles. The progression makes total sense to me. The shamanic work connected me to nature after living most of my life in the concrete jungle of New York. The goddess work connected me to the Feminine, after spending my adulthood in the business world trying to be a man. Satsang taught me about freedom after being a slave to the corporate world and to this culture, following all the rules that were imposed on me externally. And now the Course in Miracles is teaching me about forgiveness, something that is alien to my nature and yet necessary if I want to create a Heaven on Earth.

I don't really need to know how to forgive. All I have to do is have the intention that I want to forgive and pray for help. Help is showing up in many ways. I have found a wonderful counselor, Auriela McCarthy (http://www.aurielamccarthy.com/), who is helping me heal my anger and learn to forgive. I knew she was the right person to help me when I met her. She seemed to be living what I needed to learn. Her energy is soft not dogmatic. She is kind and compassionate. She consistently reminds me that I need to be kind and compassionate to myself, before I can do that for anyone else.

On Monday she guided me through a meditation where I met my father and healed issues around shame and feeling abandoned by him. I saw him and felt his energy. I'd forgotten that he wore straw hats and that he had a red and silver pen attached to his shirt pocket, with which he solved crossword puzzles. That was the main memory of him: solving crossword puzzles on the couch and not having time for me. He was old. The adult I am understands. But the inner child has continued to feel abandoned by him, recreating this painful abandonment in all my relationships with men.

In this meditation I felt my father's love and I remembered my love for him. I forgave him for not being the father that I wanted him to be. The anger dissipated. I called my mother and, as I thought, she still had his red and silver pen. She mailed it to me along with a picture that she found when she was looking for the pen. She felt that my father wanted me to have his picture. It is on my desk as I write this. I look at it and feel love for this man who did his best to raise me and take care of me. I no longer feel angry. I have forgiven him.

Tonight Auriela is giving a workshop on forgiveness which I will attend. Forgiving my father is huge, but just the tip of an iceburg. The Course in Miracles is clear that the only way out of a hellish life is to forgive. And I am clear that I am going to turn my life into Heaven on Earth. Eons of suffering is enough. It's time to heal.