Spirituality: It's about being real, not being loving.

At least for me. In case I haven't made it clear in this blog, everything I write comes from my own experience and my own process. Sometimes it comes from being triggered by something someone said. Sometimes it comes from feeling so much gratitude and love that I can't contain myself. (That hasn't been the case lately. I wish it were.) I do not profess to being enlightened. Hello? This blog is called Not a Guru, for a reason. I am not a serene, loving person who is living in Oneness with All That Is. Do I need to repeat that?

So what am I? I am real. I tell the truth about what is going on with me. No, it's not the Truth, with a capital T. It's my relative truth. Because I have found that until I tell the relative truth--no matter how ugly it is--I cannot get to Truth. And I certainly can't get to Love. I can pretend to be loving, but people see through that. Real love is as different from pretend love, as nourishing food is different from vomit. The first feeds you and nourishes you. The second makes you sick.

So for me, the noble qualities that guide my life are truth and freedom, not love. I rarely see love showing up in its pure form, so I don't trust it. Love usually shows up in a conditional way that tries to control the other. There is no freedom in that, so please stay away from me if your love comes with conditions. I myself don't know that I'm capable of unconditional love--probably not--so I won't pretend to be loving.

What I promise is that I will tell the truth the way I see it, to the best of my ability. For me, this always leads to freedom. And freedom, for me, leads to happiness. You will notice that I keep saying "for me" as this may, or may not, be the case for you. If any of this rings true for you, you are welcome to it. If it doesn't, ignore it.

So I can tell you that I am happy, most of the time, because I am living my life the way I want to live it, instead of following someone else's rules--whether that someone else is society or an enlightened guru. Since I have started doing this, I have felt an enormous amount of freedom. True, people who I thought were my friends are leaving my life, but each time that happens all I experience is more freedom and more joy. And new people are coming into my life who seem to accept me--more than accept, like me--the way I am.

I dedicate this post to my good friend Kalli, who has always been real. She will be the first to say that she is not spiritual. She sometimes curses like a sailor and I would think twice before getting in her face. And yet I have found her to be one of most loving people I know. We had stopped talking for eight years, while I was on my "spiritual" path, because I couldn't handle her dark side. It seems that now that I am embracing my dark side, I can embrace her as well.

My prayer is that some day we can love ourselves and everyone else, regardless of our foibles. When we get to the point of unconditional love, I will accept that love is spiritual. Until then I will stick with truth and freedom.