Monday, March 23, 2009

Time for a change

In the last couple of months, this blog has become a painful experience for me. But it seems that's how I learn. Something--a blog, a job, a relationship--becomes painful and then I realize it's time for a change.

When I started writing this blog, I thought of it as my personal journal. A few friends were reading it, but they were close friends and understood me, so that was fine. The last few months, however, other people have been reading my blog, and judging me to be many things: insecure, arrogant, etc. Of course I am these things at different times in my life. We all are. The difference is that I've been writing about my process for all to see, and it's clear to me that this doesn't serve anyone.

From my perspective, I've realized that I want to keep my personal issues, well...personal. I either want to be left alone to feel what's going on, or I want to talk to a close friend who will support me. Even though I'm not as private as other people, I do need a safe space to process. And a blog is a public space, not a safe space.

While I wrote a book about my personal journey, the events took place several years ago. Those events are no longer painful for me. I don't feel raw. But I do feel raw with this blog. The purpose of my book, and this blog, was to offer the lessons that I learned from my journey in the hope that it would support other people on their journey. My blog, as it is, doesn't seem to be doing that. Maybe my book is. I don't know.

If anyone who has read my book, has a question about something I wrote, or wants me to expand on that, I'm happy to do that. Or if you have any questions and would like my opinion, please let me know. Please know that I will only be offering my opinion based on my experiences. I will try to remember that as well.

I also realized that I need some interaction, and not just when someone is blasting me because they are triggered by something I wrote. I'm OK with people not liking me. That group keeps growing larger and larger, as I discuss what is true for me without thought of what is politically correct. But there's no point in writing, if people are only being triggered, and no one is getting any insight.

Really, I don't know what I will be writing or even if I should continue to write. If you have ideas let me know. I'm open to change and to endings. After all, that's what life is about.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Despina, I am one who looks forward to reading your thoughts. In fact, I wish you posted more often.

You're right though, your blog is indeed a public diary. Yet I must say I admire your openness to submitting your 'thought-laundry' for our scrutiny. I'm a chickensh*t... I couldn't do it. But I'm not a native NYer either and such boldness would go against my Midwestern sensibilities. Not to mention, I seriously lack literary skills. ;)

I do not look forward to seeing the pointedly mean-spirited attacks I've read in your comment section. Obviously, some of your anon critics don't utilize their constructive criticism filter. Maybe they don't possess one - who knows. Unfortunately, the nature and tone of these responses prevent readers (like me) from either supporting or rebutting your position as well as the responder feedback. Why bother if the comments are cruel dump-fest? It puts a wet-blanked on open conversation and lively debate that blogs are about.

I admit I've not agreed with everything you've posted. But can't we debate these topics reasonably as adults without the personal attacks? Without resorting to name calling?

I did agree with a recent poster who felt that dissenting comments are important to leave. But COME ON people, administrative deletes are to be expected when we fail to self-filter and attack the author when we could be debating the actual topic.

Despina, I hope you don't allow the verbal minority to prevent you from following a dream. ~P

Despina said...

Hi,P.

Thank you for your kind and reasonable words. I agree about leaving negative comments if they are actually discussing a topic, rather than my age or breast size which are irrelevant (to anyone but me.)

I'm not letting go of a dream as much as working the kinks out. When the dream becomes a nightmare then there is something that I need to look at.

So I'm taking time off as the last couple of weeks have been very intense.

Anonymous said...

Hello beautiful, just wanted you to know that I miss reading your Blog. hope to see you soon! love, Diana

Anonymous said...

Hello beautiful, just wanted you to know that I miss reading your Blog. hope to see you soon! love, Diana

Joey Buddha said...

Despina,

I've just discovered your blog and your book. I haven't read all of the blog, or the book for that matter, but the subject matter really hits home for me. I'm a 'serial soul searcher' and I can't wait to read about your journey!

In regards to the negative comments, I've written plenty of blogs, and was initially very scared of writing my true thoughts and opinions. I was not only scared of being judged, but of how it would effect my site from a business perspective.

I eventually realized that people are going to judge us regardless of what we say, so we might as well say what we truly believe. In the end, I found that people respected me for writing about what I believed in, and the ones who didn't could....(you can fill in the blank:)

This blog has positive energy written all over it, and although I believe in freedom of speech, I completely support your decision to delete the negative comments. Everyone is free to disagree with what you say and have their own opinions, but this isn't the place to voice them. They should write their own blog and voice their opinions there.

Yes, a blog is public, but if someone has the time and energy to waste on writing comments like that then they need to read your book more than they think! Obviously whatever you said hit some emotion in them that they have to deal with, but why do that when they can blast you? There are plenty of blogs for debates and arguments, and from what I can see, this isn't one of them.

Keep writing, keep deleting, keep living, keep loving and keep spreading the positive energy!

Love Always,
Joey

Despina said...

Dear Joey,

Thank you for your kind comments.

I've almost forgotten about the blog, as my focus has turned to other things.

I am really glad that you resonate with what I wrote in the blog, and I hope you enjoy the book.

I would enjoy hearing your thoughts on the book, if you feel like writing them. They don't have to be positive comments and you don't have to agree with me. I have left such comments on my blog.

I only deleted the ones that were personally insulting without making any point, except trying to intimidate.

Thank you again for inspiring me with your words.

love, Despina

Joey Buddha said...

I'm glad you enjoyed the comments Despina. I live on Long Island, so your story was way too familiar for me to ignore.

The 'good' life in Manhattan and the Hamptons, etc., etc. I'm glad you've found your peace....I'm right behind you!!

Always Love,
Joey

Anonymous said...

I miss your posts. Would love to hear about your latest "journey". ~P