In the last couple of months, this blog has become a painful experience for me. But it seems that's how I learn. Something--a blog, a job, a relationship--becomes painful and then I realize it's time for a change.
When I started writing this blog, I thought of it as my personal journal. A few friends were reading it, but they were close friends and understood me, so that was fine. The last few months, however, other people have been reading my blog, and judging me to be many things: insecure, arrogant, etc. Of course I am these things at different times in my life. We all are. The difference is that I've been writing about my process for all to see, and it's clear to me that this doesn't serve anyone.
From my perspective, I've realized that I want to keep my personal issues, well...personal. I either want to be left alone to feel what's going on, or I want to talk to a close friend who will support me. Even though I'm not as private as other people, I do need a safe space to process. And a blog is a public space, not a safe space.
While I wrote a book about my personal journey, the events took place several years ago. Those events are no longer painful for me. I don't feel raw. But I do feel raw with this blog. The purpose of my book, and this blog, was to offer the lessons that I learned from my journey in the hope that it would support other people on their journey. My blog, as it is, doesn't seem to be doing that. Maybe my book is. I don't know.
If anyone who has read my book, has a question about something I wrote, or wants me to expand on that, I'm happy to do that. Or if you have any questions and would like my opinion, please let me know. Please know that I will only be offering my opinion based on my experiences. I will try to remember that as well.
I also realized that I need some interaction, and not just when someone is blasting me because they are triggered by something I wrote. I'm OK with people not liking me. That group keeps growing larger and larger, as I discuss what is true for me without thought of what is politically correct. But there's no point in writing, if people are only being triggered, and no one is getting any insight.
Really, I don't know what I will be writing or even if I should continue to write. If you have ideas let me know. I'm open to change and to endings. After all, that's what life is about.