Last night I went to bed still feeling angry at a friend who I felt abandoned me. I picked up the Course in Miracles book and opened it at random. It fell on a section that talked about not making your brother guilty as that only serves to keep you in hell. The text went on and on, and finally I said, "OK. I get it. I have to stop making my friend guilty for triggering my abandonment wounds. He's not perfect and neither am I. I triggered his stuff and he went running for the hills. He in turn triggered my stuff about men always abandoning me. I can't make him responsible for my wounds."
So I got out of bed and texted him a message apologizing for my anger and pretty much repeating the above. He texted me a curt response. No problem. I can't be responsible for his reaction. But I can take responsibility for my own issues. My abandonment issues go way back. He didn't create them as I've only been hanging out with him for a few years. So rather than play the victim role and make him the villain, I need to see that I have issues that need healing. Oh, here it is again. My abandonment issue. I thought I dealt with it. I guess there is more healing for me to do.
A girlfriend told me today that she was going to spend time comforting her housemate who was treated poorly by a co-worker. My girlfriend felt angry at the co-worker for hurting her housemate's feelings and I understand that. But I wonder if making the co-worker the bad guy really supports her friend or if it makes her a victim. Rather than put the focus on him and what he did wrong, it would serve to look at the issues that she needs to heal.
We are grown-ups in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, still carrying wounds from childhood. Other people just trigger these wounds. Rather than blame the triggers, it's time for all of us to grow up and take responsibility for healing our stuff. Don't you think?