Sunday, December 12, 2010

It's always my issue

The insights, visualizations, and healings continue--sometimes twice a day. By the time I think of writing in my blog I'm on to some new issue. Now that I have a tool for working on these issues--the visualizations that I described in the previous post--rather than being upset when issues show up, I'm glad. Another unconscious thought/entity has been running my life and creating havoc, and I get to meet it, talk to it, and make peace with it so that it no longer sabotages my life.

A couple of nights ago a friend came over. As he has done the last few times he's visited, he went on and on talking about himself. When he's going through an issue, he discusses that and how he is resolving it. When he is feeling good about himself, he talks about what he's going to do with his life. It's not a conversation, as that would involve me participating. It's more of a monologue.

So this last visit he was talking about how present he was with a stranger and how much his heart was opening. When I asked questions, he was impatient with me--almost angry--as he snapped his replies. When I tried to talk about what was going on with my life, he started playing with his phone. He wasn't interested and the wind left my sail. I found myself leaving him mentally. He was happily talking and all I had to do was smile and nod my head. But I don't seem to be able to do this for long. Finally I told him what I really thought. I wasn't experiencing his heart being open at all. I wasn't experiencing him being present with me. Did he save the good stuff for strangers?

He was silent for a while and then put his coat on and left. I was relieved. Ok, now it was time to look at my part. The first realization was easy: this is what I do. I go on and on about something that interests me and I'm not usually curious about what's going on with my friends. Hmmmm...He was showing me how I've been behaving. I was projecting onto him a trait that I needed to clear.

Then a day later I got to visit a shadow of mine: the Despina who believes that the woman's role is to sit quietly and be there for a man. The belief that was running is that women live to take care of men--physically, emotionally, whatever they need. This wasn't something conscious that was running. But how could I not have such a subconscious belief, given that my mother, grandmother, and all the women ancestors for thousands of years have been doing this? I won't go into the details of the visualization--though it was extensive and fun--but I made peace with this part of me. Hopefully I won't have any more painful meetings with men as this part has now been healed.

We shall see...

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