As the universe keeps pulling the rug from under me, I find myself trying to figure out where I belong. For decades I've worked in the corporate world. Over thirty years ago I received my MBA from New York University because 1) I wanted to earn as much money as I could and 2) women were not getting MBAs at the time, and I wanted to prove that a woman could do anything a man could do.
Although I achieved all the material things that I had longed for growing up (huge office on the 25th floor with sofa, TV, stereo; a large expense account; expensive trips; a six-figure salary) I was never very happy. Oh, I was content at times, and happy when I was promoted to vice president, but it was all happiness from an ego perspective. I never liked business. It was never my passion. But I felt comfortable in the business world. I belonged. I knew how to speak the language and how to dress the part. That is until now.
I took a trip recently to Silicon Valley to meet with a client, and discovered how out of place I feel among cubicles and professional people. I just don't belong there anymore. And the Universe knows this and has ended my work at the hi-tech company I've been working for--as of next week. If I wasn't so concerned about how I will pay my bills, I would see the perfection of this.
Ok, so I don't belong with professional business women anymore. So where do I belong? Well, I realized last night that I don't belong with "goddess women" either. I was invited to a friend's house last night for dinner, who is getting her Ph.D in women's spirituality. After a few hours of hearing "goddess this" and "goddess that" and sacred vaginas and how all spirituality seems to stem from the Feminine, I kind of lost it. "Is there room for the Masculine in this women's spirituality?" I asked in a way that offended one of the "goddess-women".
Ok, from my perspective there is something lop-sided about goddess spirituality, as much as there is something lop-sided about Christianity. I could never understand how Christianity could have a Trinity with a Father and a Son but no Mother. Hello?? Is something missing here? At the same time I can't see how there can be a spiritual path that has only the Mother and no Father. These seem to be opposite sides of the same coin, and I ain't buying it.
So I seem to be somewhere between the business women who have a great deal of masculine energy--which they need to in order to function in that world--and the women who worship the Mother and have little interest in the masculine. And my prayer is for balance. This morning I met with my pod--women from my Ultimatum workshop--and found the balance and support that I was looking for. Oh, I do belong somewhere--what a relief! Now my prayer is to find a place to belong workwise--a way to earn a living which supports who I truly am. Please God! There's got to me more to life than paying bills.