I have to admit that the last few weeks I've had waves of fear taking over. Not all the time, but enough that it's been very challenging. These waves of fear happen when I start projecting into the future--a month from now when the money will run out and I won't know what to do. When the fear hits, which really feels like a life and death situation, all I can do is sit with it and feel it. I know that running to do something to try to make the fear go away is not the answer. The answer is to be still with the fear, and then hopefully drop into a deeper place.
Well, today I seem to have dropped into a place of emptiness. The fear seems to be gone, and I feel exhausted from it. All I want to do it sit outside in the sun. I don't feel joyful either. I just feel quiet. Emptiness. There is nothing here, although that is deceiving. All possibilities lie in emptiness.
As is often the case, my Course in Miracles lesson for the day is related to my state of emptiness. It asks me to stop lingering "in a place of vain desires and of shattered dreams." That hits home. I realize that I really suck at making myself happy. None of the jobs and none of the relationships that I've gone after have made me happy. The one year I can remember being happy was a year that I didn't plan but let the Universe take over and lead.
So it makes sense to me to start doing that again. Surrender my desires about what I think I want, and stay open to what shows up. After all, at this point none of my desires have much juice. A relationship would be nice, but it's no big deal if I don't have it. There is no material thing that I am longing for. I'd like to be able to pay my bills because that brings me peace. My bottom line desires--peace, joy and love--are not of this world. They are found by surrendering all my illusions to truth.
Nikos Kazantzakis wrote: Δέν φοβάμαι τίποτα. Δέν ελπίζω τίποτα. Είμαι ελεύθερος.
(Humor me, here. My brother taught me how to use Greek letters on the computer).
The translation is: I fear nothing. I hope for nothing. I am free.
When I first read this decades ago, embroidered on a pillow in my aunt's house, I had no idea what it meant. Now I understand this to be the way to true freedom. Today I am beginning to feel free.