Saturday, January 15, 2011

Relationships end when their time is up, and no sooner

Yesterday a relationship that I have been in with a man ended. It didn't end with a bang. It fizzled out. There was no energy left. We both knew it was over. There was no pain, just love and gratitude for the lessons learned. And what followed for me was excitement for the future, that I could actually have what I really wanted: a lifetime, committed, exclusive partner.

The four years of this on-and-off relationship were tumultuous. An issue would come up for me and I would do my usual thing and end the relationship, hoping that I would never see him again. But circumstances would keep bringing us together again--often Ammachi the hugging saint would be the cause--and we would come back together with more love, more understanding, and having cleared out some painful trait we each had that kept us from loving.

The reason I kept coming back was because I felt seen and accepted--more than I had ever been before. I also felt loved. Not the kind of love that is romantic and gives me everything I want, but the kind of love that tells me the truth and helps me grow. I believe he kept coming back for the same reason. I once asked him if it made sense to continue seeing each other, as the relationship took so much energy and was often painful. His reply was "If we don't do the work with each other, we'll have to do it with someone else." I could see the truth in that.

But at the Ultimatum workshop I had the privilege of seeing lifetime committed relationships. I sat in that energy and felt at the deepest level of my being: I want that! I committed to having such a relationship by the end of this year. I was open. He could become that, or I could meet someone new. I wasn't going to abandon him, but the form of the relationship had to change. Since we're so connected, I told him this in my meditation. He got the message.

Yesterday he called me. It was the first time we had spoken since our trip. I told him what was going on with me, but he already knew. "It's over," he said. "I felt it and called to make sure. " And we both knew this was true. As long as we wanted something from each other, hated each other, were angry at each other, never wanted to see each other again, the relationship was not over. We had to see it through. It only ended when I became very clear about what I wanted and continued to love him. He wasn't wrong because he wanted something else. I wanted him to be happy and he felt the same about me. We had completed this course, and could move on with much gratitude for each other.

I learned that we're not in control. We don't end a relationship when we want to, in order to be more comfortable. God ends the relationship for us, organically, when the lessons are learned.

No comments: