I apologize for not writing sooner. It's not that I forget about you. It's just that I like to write when I have clarity, and lately I am not clear at all. I am confused about many things. I have questions but no answers.
Not much is happening in my life. Various "opportunities" show up, but they are not exciting--I can't muster up enough enthusiasm to do any of it--and so I don't get involved. I am aware that I need to earn money--like now--but I can't for the life of me think of a way to do it. When I think of things I've done in the past, I can't muster up enough energy to go after them again. Been there, done that.
Then I ask myself if I could create something that I am passionate about. It has to involve teaching, speaking, writing, within a spiritual context. That's all I can come up with. But I can't come up with a structure, a form, where I could use these skills. I feel stuck. I pray for inspiration but it just isn't coming. If I sit back will the universe drop something in my lap? Or do I have to make something happen? I imagine it must be a balance of the two, and right now I'm not doing my part because I haven't got a clue of what to do.
I'd like to think that this lack of interest is a result of "awakening" and being detached, but I'm not buying it. If I ain't feeling joy--and I'm not right now--then I am not on the right path. It seems I've been here before--cornered and not being able to find a way out--and then all of a sudden the bottom falls out and I'm in a new place. Transformation is occurring and I am joyfully in a new stage in my life. I would like to think that this is the case, but I don't know.
Am I the only one feeling this way? Sorry folks, but I have no answers these days, only a lot of questions. At the Ultimatum workshop I took in January, Donald Epstein said that he wasn't there to answer our questions. Instead, he was there to question our answers. Perhaps it's a step up to realize that we don't have the answers. It certainly is humbling...
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2 comments:
I am in the same dilemma. As I job hunt, I can whip myself up into a state of interest about every job I apply for, but the interest lacks "juice." And I too don't know whether to take action or wait until I have been given a direction by Source or The Mystery. The latter is what has worked for me in the past; the former -- taking directionless action -- is something I attempt to do when I am pushed by circumstances and think I have to act to save my Self. It always seems to fail.
Of late, I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no power whatsoever to make anything happen. I think that when I land a job or change my life's direction, I succeed only because something that has the real power is wielding it on my behalf. Time and again, of late, I have wanted to force something to happen only to realize that I am really powerless to do anything to help my Self. It is an interesting new place to be approaching my life from. I am trying to surrender to it as I think that might be the only way to win in this situation, but the mind (my thinking and thoughts) are not helping with this either.
If you figure it out, please let me know. I have been trying to find a guaranteed formula to apply to life in order to make it work for me, and I have come up with nothing. I think that meditation and patience might be part of it, but am not convinced.
Namaste
Thank you for your comment, Gill. Everything you wrote has been my experience as well. I finally have some clarity and you helped. I'll write about this in my next blog. Namaste.
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