This past week I went through a period of feeling very lonely. Surprisingly enough it showed up while I was surrounded by many people. At one event, I felt dumped by the friend who brought me there. At another event, the Science and Non-duality conference, I ran into some old friends from my "spiritual" days who now live in Ashland. I remembered how much I loved them and how much I enjoyed being part of a community. The last few years I have been alone for the most part, working from home, at my computer, earning a good living.
I've been focusing on earning a living and not so much on living. This was clear to me as I attended the conference and saw people filled with passion over their work. There was a physicist who was able to clearly explain the theory of oneness through physics and equations. I actually understood what he was saying. And he was funny! Also I sat as my friend, who got me into the conference, gave a talk that helped the audience experience the oneness that the physicist and enlightened teachers talk about. My friend was doing his life's work, supporting awakening, and he was connected with everyone and having a great time. The contrast between how he is in the world and how I am was a major catalyst that brought me to a feeling of loneliness.
I haven't been participating with life. I haven't been offering my gifts, no matter how meager I deem them to be. I haven't been having fun. I haven't been connecting with people. After being broke for years and living in a spiritual community that fell apart, I asked to be left alone to earn money. And I got exactly what I asked for. It made me happy for a few years, but now I need to ask for something else. I need to ask for a life where I offer my true gifts (communication not data analysis) in support of awakening. I need to ask for a life that is filled with people--students, teachers, friends, a life partner, a community--and with love. I need to ask for a healing of this deep sense of loneliness which can only happen by living a fulfilling life.
Forget the "I need" to ask. This is what I am asking for: a life of joy, of purpose, of love, of connection. Is that too much to ask? No. This is our inheritance from our Father and Mother. The problem isn't that we ask for too much. The problem is that we ask for too little.